Poetry Forum

Smiles across this open office space,
I watch them wash up at your desk. Gushing.
The faint repugnance of Hugo's designer ocean wafts
mockingly from beneath their masks.
A clip on world of BMW arrogance and false modesty.
They play nervously with nicotine stained fingers
and suck away their cares in a frantic five minutes of fresh air.

Eternal then, as the foundation saint,
you laugh in all the right places.
Am I so green, desperately naive,
in envy of their futile efforts to please,
or am I eternal too because I do not allow
more than a lazy smile when I catch your eye?

As the sand slips softly through your steady hands
we fall back into a Health and Safety net of pushed paper,
waiting out the tide that will rise neck high,
longing for its turn at four forty nine.

STB,

Confusing. But well written. If that's what you were going for...good job.

Cheers,

Bombadil

I'm confused as well (whew). I'm not sure I see the significance of 449 (4:49?). I'd pick some images I liked and put some breathers in this. I get the distinct sense this isn't just a retreat into abstraction, there is a point in there somehwere. PS: is it my imagination or should the second stanza end in a question mark?

- will

Cheers for the comments guys.

Bombadil:

To me there is no confusion in this, but then I wrote it so I perhaps understand a bit better what its about.

Will:

Yes that should be a question mark (ooops). The significance of 4:49 is to do with the time at which most office workers finish their days graft and go home (5pm).

This is a first draft and one that I will work on so if you could clarify what exactly you found confusing then I will be better placed to bring the ideas into focus. Look forward to further thoughts.

Seeks.

looks like you'll just be taking a walk then, don't it?

Bombadil, your response seems quite hostile. I thought constructive criticism was the order of the day here. I assure you I did not mean any provokation in my reply to your post; I was merely asking for a clarification of your comments. Sorry if I failed to make that clear.

Seeks

Perhaps then, we misunderstood each other. I took your comment as hostile. It seems we are mutually unintending offenders.


Cheers,

Keith

Steady on boys.

No mutually unintending shite on here thanks.

Just thought I exercise my power as a moderator... ... Felt Good.

Kidding of course.

Another forum I used to post on, handed the "Moderator Power" over to a regular contributor, the results were hilarious. He'd stay up for hours on end "moderating" each and every post for "Language issues" he'd change or delete full poems, a virtual rebellion ensued - last heard playing "More Golf" Twat.

intended shite is allowed then?

abso-fucking-lutely.

hehe.

Glad thats all cleared up.

I'll try to think more about what I write next time.

seeks.