Heeling

[Suzanne]

Heeling



I fell out of my world today
gravity no longer held me
in its embrace
with soiled soles bound
to what I once loved.
I was untethered
in a subtle shift
of foundational rules.

It was noticed by me
and perhaps, by another,
whose sleep was disturbed
by the silence of 4 AM;
when blackbirds hold their breath
and the wind's soft white whispers
won't even rustle a leaf.

That's when my eyes opened
and I know my clocks still ticked,
because I heard them
methodically measure my minutes spent
within the shallow increments
of laughter hollowly expelled.
I heard the clock tick out the depth,
the thick inches of where I'd stepped,
the tangled mess I wallowed in.

The rhythm droned unendingly
disrupting itself occasionally,
to chime out the short distance
I'd almost traveled
going nowhere
in a great waste of haste.

I fell out of my world today,
and old gray gravity winked
as it let me drift from its greedy grasp.




.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Suzanne,

I fell out of my world today
gravity no longer held me
in its embrace
with soiled soles bound
to what I once loved.
I was untethered
in a subtle shift
of foundational rules.

My first thoughts were that
1) without gravity N would fly rather than fall
2) "in its embrace" is not required

Then I thought "fell out" implies falling out of love, and we could be talking about love's embrace.

I like "untethered".

I don't want to say any more because I'm unsure of what is going on with the clocks and with "another", but

...the short distance
I'd almost traveled
going nowhere
in a great waste of haste.
- would make a strong ending IMHO .

Geoff

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Geoff.

I am so very dense and posting things for feedback is a wake up call, it often teaches me what I have just written about. lol.

I didn't even think of falling out of love, duh, I say to myself.

World meant routines or perhaps life situations or environments. (I am remodeling and life as it was is not longer continuing.)

The embrace would be the patterns that keep us doing the same things over and over again, isn't that a sort of embrace? The reference to things I once loved was about anything in your life situation that you once were excited about but now, not so much.

I hate that I didn't see the love angle. It turned S1 into a cliche again, didn't it?

I need to get a clue.


Go read more! Read! She nudges herself.
Suzanne
In the context of the world being routines of life situations, does the clocks make more sense to you?

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Suzanne,

It's an interesting idea that you have, but the execution isn't working for me.

Wait to see what others have to say before you bring out the scissors, though.

Geoff

[Raincoat]

hmm time - it really needs an original angle if it is to be done well - I recently did a poem about time which I will openly admit wasn't great but I did learn a great deal from doing it and the feedback I received.

Heeling

I fell out of my world today - again as Geoff mentions this doesn't make sense to fall out of the world - falling would suggest that gravity is still playing a role.
gravity no longer held me - "held" me?
in its embrace - not sure bout this.
with soiled soles bound - ok.
to what I once loved.
I was untethered
in a subtle shift
of foundational rules. - like the last three lines here.

It was noticed by me - what did you notice - the black birds - if so the link needs to be clearer
and perhaps, by another,
whose sleep was disturbed
by the silence of 4 AM; - unrealistic - disturbed by silence?
when black birds hold their breath
and the wind's soft white whispers
won't even rustle a leaf. - ok slightly unimaginative

That's when my eyes opened
and I know my clocks still ticked,
because I heard them
methodically measure my minutes spent
within the shallow increments - minutes were spent "within" laughter - not really sure this is clear or understandable.
of laughter hollowly expelled.
I heard the clock tick out the depth, - what is the depth?
the thick inches of where I'd stepped,
the tangled mess I wallowed in.

The rhythm droned unendingly
disrupting itself occasionally,
to chime out the short distance
I'd almost traveled - now time is measuring spatial movements which "almost" happened?
going nowhere - perhaps dull
in a great waste of haste.

I fell out of my world today,
and old gray gravity winked
as it let me drift from its greedy grasp. - drift and greedy are nice but could perhaps be a stronger finish.

.

[Nash]

Hello Suzanne,

I fell out of my world today
gravity no longer held me
in its embrace

I think this is a great opening and I'll respectfully disagree with the others and say that it works for me. I'm not a scientist but surely 'flying' would mean that the subject would have an element of control, if there was no gravity wouldn't you just fall up?? Besides which it works better as a metaphor this way.

whose sleep was disturbed
by the silence of 4 AM;
when black birds hold their breath

This is beautiful, should it be blackbirds instead of black birds?

On the whole I really like this although I think that it could do with a bit of a trim to make it a little sharper.

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Geoff and Raincoat, you've given me much to think about. I appreciate the feedback very much.

Nash, thank you, too. You made my day.

But why must it be trimmed? And where do you think? Yes, i could lose the ending, it is indulgent.

Thanks for your time.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Raincoat]

Hi Suzanne, although I didn't comment upon it I really enjoyed you "on meeting ted" poem in fact some of the words have still stayed with me which only a few poems ever do, although for some reason this poem isn't working for me as it stands but think it can easily be tweaked.

Nash mentions "flying" has a degree of control which the word does, but I cannot spot where flying has even been mentioned in the poem.

Just to clarify "falling" is a motion strongly influenced by the force of gravity so without it there would be no falling - imagine astronauts when they fly around spacecrafts, you would not be "falling" up. falling is gravity in essence.

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Raincoat, with the kind remarks about Ted and the honest feedback for this one.

I am really thinking on this.... so I like to hear replies.

What if gravity was understood as referring to the seriousness of a situation?
And perhaps, my world does not mean my planet but my environment?

Maybe a title change could direct that better?
I appreciate you come back and telling me. I am listening and thinking about it.


And! I looked up you movie for your alias, it looks like fun.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Nash]

Nash mentions "flying" has a degree of control which the word does, but I cannot spot where flying has even been mentioned in the poem.

I was just commenting on Geoff's suggestion of using 'fly' instead of 'fall' and the general feeling that 'fall' wasn't suitable.

Sorry that I didn't clarify about the trimming Suzanne, I was just thinking that there may be a few unnecessary words, especially in S3.

That's when my eyes opened
and I know my clocks still ticked,
because I heard them
methodically measure my minutes spent

Maybe this could work better as something like:

My eyes opened,
the clocks still ticking,
methodically measuring minutes spent

Just an idea of course!

[Raincoat]

sorry Nash hadn't spotted that in Geoff's comment. I actually think the flying word or anything similar would solve it:

I flew out of my world today
gravity no longer held me

now I have this imagine of someone spindling through the air into space for all of eternity wha ha ha (evil laugh ) but that would also fit in with your metaphor as well wouldn't it?
I quite liked the title - it makes you prepare for more underlying themes in the poem - did you mean it in the sense of following at someone's heels - i.e trying to catch up in the world in some way?
hehe the film - yeh it's a pretty sad story and the songs are quite sad but the photography is amazing and I'm a bit obsessed with the rain anyway and the film is essentially full of it it was based on a short story called the gift of Magi but it's quite removed from that storyline.

[clarabow]

Some nice stuff in this and you have already received some good suggestions - mine are just the odd words (delete) if it works for you. Although gravity does keep us to the earth, if it released us we would fall out of the world we know and into a space we don't. Alas we wouldn't know because we'd be dead but falling is relative!

I fell out of my world today - fell out of my world - works for me
gravity no longer held me
in its embrace
with soiled soles bound )
to what I once loved. ) the . here seems wrong as I read this as a run on sentence
I was untethered )
in a subtle shift
of foundational rules.

It was noticed by me
and perhaps, by another,
whose sleep was disturbed
by the silence of 4 AM;
when blackbirds hold their breath
and the wind's soft white whispers
won't even rustle a leaf.

That's when my eyes opened
and I know my clocks still ticked,
because I heard them
methodically measure (my) minutes spent
within the shallow increments
of laughter hollowly expelled.
I heard the clock tick out the depth,
the thick inches of where I'd stepped,
the tangled mess I wallowed in.

The rhythm droned unendingly
disrupting itself (occasionally,) the ...ly words here seem slightly over-done
to chime out the short distance
I'd almost traveled
going nowhere
in a great waste of haste.

(I fell out of my world today,)
and old gray gravity winked
as it let me drift from its greedy grasp. - like the end.

[Suzanne]

Thanks, Nash and Raincoat, for your input and replies. I am still thinking on this one.
Clarabow, thank you for the time you took and for the your ideas on some of the extra words. I wondered about the "occasionally" and perhaps you are correct. Thank you for the feedback you have offered. And thanks for the kind comments about the ending, appreciate it.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[brianedwards]

I'm curious about the title Suzanne . . .

B.

[Suzanne]

Great! Suggest one, I'd love it.

I am in a title rut.

[El Wow!]

a beautiful winding tale suzanna,,,and my top line, with ethereal essences was;
when blackbirds hold their breath
and the wind's soft white whispers
won't even rustle a leaf.

real nice

El