Poetry Forum

In the blue
of early dawn
you turn in your sleep.

I’m thinking
about how to fold
bed linen
and, that if this love had a colour
it would be the startled green of new grass.

As I turn
last night’s conversation over
unfold it,
lay it flat and spread it out

I see myself from above
sprawled on an immaculate lawn—

each blade of grass
cut through its root

and I reach for you.




Revision No. 1:

In the blue of early dawn you turn
in your sleep

I’m thinking
about how to fold
bed linen

and....... that if this love had a colour
it would be the startled green of new grass.

While you sleep, I turn
last night’s conversation over
try to unfold it

to un-crease it
to lay it flat and spread it out.

In sleep I see myself from above
sprawled on an immaculate lawn—

each blade of grass
cut deep at its root

and I reach for you.




Original:-

In the blue of early dawn you turn
in your sleep

I’m awake, thinking
about how to fold
bed linen

and.......if this love had a colour
it would be the startled green of new grass

While you sleep, I turn
last night’s conversation over
try to unfold it

to un-crease it
to lay it flat and spread it out

In sleep I see myself from above

sprawled on an immaculate lawn—
each blade of grass
cut at its root

I reach for you

Mic, I like the quiet tone of this. It actually reminded me of the feel of an Ali Smith story ‘A story of folding and unfolding’.

I think you could get away with tightening it some more though. For example, I’m not sure whether you need the ‘I’m awake’ as if you are thinking, then you are obviously awake.

I liked the description of love as ‘startled green of new grass.’ I’m wondering about the stanza break after bed linen though – I’m guessing this is a continuation of the N thinking, but with the break it feels separate from that.

I also wonder if you could condense S 4 &5 – maybe to something like:

While you sleep, I try to unfold
last night’s conversation –
lay it flat, spread it out

I like the return to the grass at the end, but my only other nit is ‘each blade of grass/ cut at its root’ – this feels as if the grass has been cut so short its not there anymore, and definitely wouldn’t be ‘an immaculate lawn’

I enjoyed the read, thanks.
Sharra
x

Michaela,
Every sentence feels like it could be the first. As a night's sleep, it's kinda bumpy . . . making sense? I'd prefer if you thought more about sound and its effect, rather than images.

B.

Thanks Sharra.

Sharra wrote:I’m not sure whether you need the ‘I’m awake’ as if you are thinking, then you are obviously awake.

- agreed and amended

Sharra wrote:this feels as if the grass has been cut so short its not there anymore, and definitely wouldn’t be ‘an immaculate lawn’

- I was aiming here for the idea that each blade of grass has been cut beneath the soil - at its root - and what the implications of that are... have amended these lines in the hope I've achieved more clarity on this

Bri -

Your thoughts as always are valued.

brianedwards wrote:I'd prefer if you thought more about sound and its effect, rather than images.

- I was trying to do that but there is certainly more of a focus on the images.

Hi Mic, I concentrated on the top version as it seems the most recent, and the layout was easy on the eye! The whole love as startled green grass idea works very well for me as it then lets you continue that all the way through and see the "lawn" from above, I think - I really want it to end on

each blade of grass
cut through its root

Have you tried that? Maybe it is too abrupt...I like the sharpness of it. It is very nice to read out, slow-paced and thoughtful.

Hi Mic,

I think I need the parts of this tying together a little more.

I'm not sure whether the conversation was bad in some way? I'm not sure whether the cut grass reflects on the narrator or relationship?

But I like the sparse tone of it.

Ian

Hi Calico, thanks for the input. Know what you mean about the ending. I'd also considered it, am considering it.
Hey Ian, yes, this is perhaps too disconnected and too ambiguous. This poem just isn't going to find its balance I don't think.

Mic

Been thinking about this Michaela, and I'm just going to throw something out there: what if the poem folded up and in on itself like the action described? Thoughts do have a tendency to fold and open anew don't they? I'm thinking cubism, employing repeats and different perspectives on the same action . . . not exactly 13 ways to fold bed linen, but something like . . . ?

I'll think on it some more . . .

B.

I prefer the first revision if only for the pause between 'and' and 'that if this love . . '.. It is a great poem because it does what great poetry should do, which is make us rise above the mundane.

There is a strong feeling of restraint in this poem. You have kept a check on the over-exaggerating:

While you sleep, I turn
last night’s conversation over
try to unfold it

This is such a brilliant stanza, it anchors the rest of the poem well and allows for a sense of proportion: reminding the viewer that even in the everyday there is something a exceptional and that can be found within that which we would no see as obviously stimulating..

I enjoy this poem very much and will return to it. It has a very melodic feel to it that may not be noticeable at first.

brianedwards wrote:Been thinking about this Michaela, and I'm just going to throw something out there: what if the poem folded up and in on itself like the action described? Thoughts do have a tendency to fold and open anew don't they? I'm thinking cubism, employing repeats and different perspectives on the same action . . . not exactly 13 ways to fold bed linen, but something like . . . ?

I'll think on it some more . . .

B.

Interesting that you should say that Bri. In an earlier draft of this I had a bit that went something like "How to fold bed linen No. 2" and planned to continue along the various folds of thought. I may revisit this idea.

Dear Denis,
Firstly, welcome to PG.

Denis Joe wrote:I prefer the first revision if only for the pause between 'and' and 'that if this love . . '.. It is a great poem because it does what great poetry should do, which is make us rise above the mundane.

Yes, that visual space and the pause it creates seemed important to me at the time and I'm glad you liked it.

Denis Joe wrote:It has a very melodic feel to it that may not be noticeable at first.

I'm very very pleased that you found music in this. It is faint perhaps, but I can hear it too.

I look forward to reading more of you.

Mic

PS - I like revision 1 most as well