Poetry Forum

fresh wounds

a straggle-bright twig
confronts a teasel; a battle of jagged shapes
clinging onto what light remains

two weeks ago (only two? are you sure?)
a poppy burst open and there, yes there, a field of greens and bright reds
a masterful dawning of seed heads of opium perfection

the mist doesn’t rise any more
teasel and twig leer at each other
disgracefully
two haggard corpses remembering a screaming pope

long legged ears of wheat, clean grasshoppers?
no, figments. gone. crushed.
at 3am on a rust red lawn where she lies in black stains
arms outstretched
face
delicately removed

The idea behind this is good. I didn't like the opening line at first but seeing it a couple of times it works. The problem with this is that the poem doesn't seem top know what it should be doing. The asides ((only two? are you sure?) and 'yes there') in the second stanza interupt the poem too much and don't add anything. The last line of the third stanza is a little unconvincing. I can see what you're getting at with the reference to Bacon but it seems a little forced.

The thing about this poem is that the imagery (aside from the Screaming Popes) is great.

Thanks Denis. I wasn't sure about the Bacon. You're right that it's probably a bit forced. Will give that a re-think.

I agree with Denis about the asides, and also the Bacon reference. Although I had more trouble with "haggard" in that line. That stanza as a whole probably the weakest, though I very much like the idea of the mist never rising. And perhaps the content of the stanza is needed to set up the delicately removed face? Sound-wise, "delicately" needs to play off something?

Where I disagree with Denis is that this poem is all about the imagery: the music in this is a joy, and the language of the 1st stanza is excellent.

B.

Thanks Brian. I'm very fond of my asides. They're going to be a hard habit to break.