No Fear Of Fire (Revised Version)

[ray miller]

Even though the microphone
might mimic a pistol
and the audience a marauding army

I'm tempted to put my head
in a sling and dig a tunnel
from my couch to the local job centre

and find a space between
a violin and the hurdy-gurdy
to be the man who bangs the drum

in rebellion then throws it skyward
and catches it every time
you close your eyes

I believe I could do it
I was once good at cricket

[delph_ambi]

I think this one cries out for ALL the line breaks to be eliminated. It's too choppy as it is, and the flow is lost. Love the sense though, and the heartache of the last couple line. Still trying to work out how you put your head in a sling. Hmm. The phrase is gone so quickly, it's oddness slips through and adds to the general atmosphere without detracting by incomprehensibility.

Definitely enjoyed this one. I've been there. Done gigs like that.

[ray miller]

Catherine. Thanks. If I eliminate all line breaks won't I either run out of horizontal page or have a poem that buckles under its own weight?
It's my tiny homage to Arcade Fire. You've never had your head in a sling!?

[delph_ambi]

No, you won't run out of horizontal page -- you'll have a natty little thing called a 'paragraph.' The breaks will come in different places depending on the size of window the reader is using. Magic!

I don't know Arcade Fire. Will have to pop over to YouTube and have a listen.

Still puzzling over head slings...

[ray miller]

OK, I've done as you suggested, Catherine (I think) though I wouldn't call the result Magic! exactly! If you do look on You Tube check out Rebellion. I'd post a link to it but I'm far too stupid.

[delph_ambi]

No, you're right. That ain't magic. Needs some punctuation if you're going to paragraph it.

Here's a link

[ray miller]

Punctuated but still punctured, I think. Thanks for the link.Do you like 'em? When they play live he gets quite manic with the drum and throws it in the air and catches it several times. I would love that job.

[delph_ambi]

I think you could improve on the punctuation. This is how I'd do it:

Even though the microphone mimics a pistol and the audience is a marauding army, I'm tempted to put my head in a sling and dig a tunnel from my couch to the local job centre; find a space between a violin and the hurdy-gurdy; be the man who bangs the drum in rebellion, throws it in the air and catches it every time you close your eyes. I believe I could do it –- I was once good at cricket.

I've just watched a few Arcade Fire videos, including live stuff, and it's not really my cup of tea. Too middle-of-the-road. Having said that, there's a nice harmonic trick two minutes or so into 'Rebellion', and again at about 3:40.

[Denis Joe]

Ray,

I disagree with Catherine. I think that the enjambment works best. There is a very American feel to this (Do you know Jefferson Carter's work?). I can see what Catherine is getting at. If I could compare this poem to anything, then it would be micro tonal music. Logically there should no't be breaks in the narrative and this should read as a paragraph.

There are some lines that I do find jarring:

be the man
who bangs the drum in rebellion

For some reason it reminds me of Bukowski (whose poetry I cannot find any value with). I think it is the image of rebbellion after you metioning 'couch' earlier on. I also think that it might be best to break the poem at the end of the fourth line. What follows is a different approach to the narrative and this is what the problem with the flow, might be. Also 'cricket'.

Hmmmmm!

That is a difficult one.

I think that you would do best to end the poem with the last two lines as a couplet, but something has to be done with 'cricket'. It sounds wrong.

[ray miller]

Denis Joe. Thanks, that is a really interesting response and I'm grateful for it.I wholeheartedly agree about the enjambment, but I'll try anything once, and have the police record to prove it. Nobody has ever told me before that my poetry has an American feel to it. It'll take some time to get over it!I shall look up Jefferson Carter and micro tonal music and if I don't die of shame I'll get back to you. I joke.
I think the poem ending as a couplet is a great idea. But what's wrong with cricket? Whacking and catching. I think it sounds right, but I could use summat with juggling, I suppose, I AM a juggler, though I'd rather be a clown.
I have problems with line breaks, I really do, I've no respect for them at all and unless I set out to write a certain form from the start it all feels unnatural and fiddly, post-mortem.
Again, ta for your time, appreciated.

[ray miller]

I've changed it around some and I think it's better, but who knows?

[twoleftfeet]

Ah! So it's a tribute to Arcade Fire as well?

I got that it was about pre-performance nerves, but after that I got lost in the weird goings-on down at the Job Centre.
(Point of order: aren't Hurdygurdy-men self-employed, therefore not entitled to sign-on?)

Having no knowledge of the song "Rebellion" I couldn't do anything at all with
it every time
you close your eyes
- I had visions of Mrs Ray rolling here eyes as roadies dragged you screaming towards the microphone.

"Cricket" is going to bomb with our Transatlantic cousins.
Howzabout "I used to be a wicket-keeper" or somesuch: at least they can G0000gle it.

I don't have a problem with "head in a sling", since "arse in a sling" is much in-use and both are equally medically inadvisable.

Nice one
Geoff

[ray miller]

Thanks Geoff.It's kind of a tribute to Arcade Fire. It's more about my fear of one day having to call at the Job Centre and explain my chosen vocation.I imagined the Job Centre as a stage. Seemed like the thing to do at the time.
"Every time you close your eyes" is a refrain in Rebellion. It makes sense to me.
If I were writing specifically for our Transatlantic cousins then cricket might be a problem. But thankfully, I'm not, otherwise most of my poems would be null and void!
I don't see the issue with "head in a sling" either. Compared to some of the weird and wonderful on PG it's common and garden.