Smoking

[Denis Joe]

You can’t beat the scent
of that first-time opened pouch,

releasing a hiss
like a kiss, touching your face

(vacuum packed coffee
opening ritual time).

A sense of release;
autonomy from mob rule.

To compose one from
these materials, at hand.

Separating the
strands, like running your fingers

through a loved one’s hair;
never pleating the fibres,

allow the scent, and
taste, air: room to harmonise:

a duet that is
always, always, the first time.

Virginity wrapped,
sweating, slightly, as you burn.

Staining the filter
that traps those sweet-taste toxins,

keeping me safe from
over exaggeration

I take my pleasure
when and where I can. I was
born a Capstan Full Strength man.

Revision 1

You can’t beat the scent
of that first-time opened pouch,

releasing a hiss
like a kiss, touching your face.

To compose one from
these materials, at hand,

to separate strands
as if running one's fingers

through a loved one’s hair;
never to pleat the fibres,

allow the scent, and
taste, air: room to harmonise:

a duet that is
always, always, the first time.

Virginity wrapped,
that sweats, slightly, as you burn.

I take my pleasure
when and where I can. I was
born a Capstan Full Strength man.

[Sharra]

Hi Denis
You sound like someone either determined not to give up smoking, or someone who still lusts after it even after giving up

I’m not really sure what to make of this. You have some lovely lines in here ‘releasing a hiss / like a kiss,’ and ‘a duet that is / always, always, the first time.’ but it feels as if its floating about a little and hasn’t found where to land yet. Reading through it again, I wonder if half the problem for me is the shifting of images so quickly, we have the tobacco, coffee, mobbed rule, sculpture, hair, duet, virginity etc and they aren’t given a chance to develop or sink in. I wonder if you would be better using fewer but deeper metaphors?

For example, I found having the opening of the coffee straight after the image of the opened pouch confused me a little. I’m guessing you are likening one to the other – but I felt it diluted the scent of the tobacco for me.

Sharra
x

[ray miller]

Denis Joe. Enjoyed it a lot.Here's my thoughts:
Better off without the colon after scent.
"first-time opened" feels a bit lengthy and awkward, I wondered about just "first-time pouch". Does that give the same sense? Also, opened and opening lie in close proximity.
Any reason for "mobbed" rather than mob?
"To sculpture one" again feels like clumsy phrasing.
"Separating the strands" on one line, I think.
"Virginity wrapped
in slight sweat, as you burn" would sound better, and you could maybe lose "excess" before toxins, but the ending I loved, especially

keeping me safe
from over exaggeration

[brianedwards]

Something very nice brewing here Denis. I especially enjoyed the rhythm and pacing and that delightful rhyme at the end.
A few suggestions for you to throw around:
~I think you could probably lose stanzas 3 and 4, which detract from the central idea and image. "autonomy from mob rule" is probably the least appealing sound in the whole poem and "mob" is out of sync I think.
~You might consider changing the tenses here and there and going with the imperative structure. I'm not a huge fan of this syntax in poetry but I think you can make it work here because of the lightness of the theme and the delicate cadence. It would also enable you to lose a couple of -ings. I'll show you what I mean:

To compose one from
these materials, at hand

separate the strands as if
running your fingers

through a loved one’s hair;
never pleat the fibres,

I hope you don't mind me re-writing that, but sometimes it is easier to show than try to explain. Please let me know if you'd prefer me not to in future.

One final point: I'm a little confused by the grammar of this sequence:

Staining the filter
that traps those sweet-taste toxins,

keeping me safe from
over exaggeration

I take my pleasure
when and where I can.

As I understand that sentence, it is the speaker who is staining the filter --- is that correct? Seems a little odd to me . . .

Overall, enjoyed, and I'll look out for any revisions.

B.

[Denis Joe]

Thank you very much. This is one that I like very much. I think the suggested changed improve it a lot.

Just on the matter of changes: I never see any poem as being above improvement. In the case of my work it is not a question of humility or anything like that, but a question of practicality. I think that if I'm to compose something for others to read then then least I can do is give the best that I can.

Sharra, the coffee reference was meant to provide the impression of ritual, stimulation but also (come to think of it) morning. But I see that you are right, it does impose and, if I'm honest, I was just being a bit to clever-0clever there.

Ray, thanks for raising that point about 'mob(bed)' rule. It made me realise that it imposes too much. I criticise poets who impose world view on the reader and I think that this is a case in point. The 'sweating' point is a good one. I think it needs the 'ing' trimmed.

Brian I agree with what you say. I think the poem is long and can afford to lose those stanzas. I can't find fault with what you say.

So thanks again. The revision is a vast improvement.

[delph_ambi]

Good stuff. By trimming it down, you haven't lost anything, but have tightened it all up and made it sit more easily on the page. Love the ending! I don't smoke and have never smoked, so if I can enjoy this poem, anyone can.

Sorry, that's not much of a crit. More an appreciation. No matter. I'll try harder next time.