Revision:
"I have nothing to say
today.
So I've said it
in a poem."
The web is crowded
with bored spiders.
All eight legs
tapping away.
Or parakeets
chirping indulgences
from electric cages.
Is solitude so maddening?
Original:
I have nothing to say
today.
So I've said it in
a poem.
I hope it means more
to you
than me.
Of course the world
is crowded with the bored
calling over the parapet.
Parakeets with empty phrases
Like this.
I'd watch TV
but the parakeets are there
as well.
In life the only
mute button
is maddening
solitude.
Perhaps I did have
something to say?
Facespace
Last edited by Marc on Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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ray miller
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Or Mybook. I like the 2nd verse, Marc, you could build a good poem around that, I think.Trouble is, I don't think the remainder is as interesting as that.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
The whole thing comes off as something you typed out and then called a poem without much afterthought. V2 and V4 could be the start of two separate interesting poems. Indeed you did have something to say, but this poem isn't saying it yet.
[center]The tree of artistry must be replenished from time to time with the blood of Art.[/center]
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brianedwards
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the world
is crowded with the bored
calling over the parapet.
Parakeets with empty phrases
Yup, agree with ray and Ben. The above is worth developing, but the rest is failing to connect, for me . . .
B.
is crowded with the bored
calling over the parapet.
Parakeets with empty phrases
Yup, agree with ray and Ben. The above is worth developing, but the rest is failing to connect, for me . . .
B.
Umm, have to admit Ben has hit the nail on the head.
On another forum I occasionally visit there seems to be a plethora of very short poems with little to say... and this started as a piss take really hence the first verse, the idea being people were just putting down a handful of words with nothing to say and because of a few line breaks calling it a poem.
And then it just developed a tiny bit as I wrote the second stanza.... so I called it Facespace to make it relevant to that area - it's really about poets on forums posting twaddle like this!
Marc
On another forum I occasionally visit there seems to be a plethora of very short poems with little to say... and this started as a piss take really hence the first verse, the idea being people were just putting down a handful of words with nothing to say and because of a few line breaks calling it a poem.
And then it just developed a tiny bit as I wrote the second stanza.... so I called it Facespace to make it relevant to that area - it's really about poets on forums posting twaddle like this!
Marc
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bodkin
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Maybe what you need to is illustrate the condition of having nothing to say rather than describing it...
Possibly using a character would help, or even something as simple as moving to third person, so that we are watching him not have anything to say?
Ian
Possibly using a character would help, or even something as simple as moving to third person, so that we are watching him not have anything to say?
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/
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twoleftfeet
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Stick with it, Marc.
S2 /S3/ S4 are connected in that you can't expect to put everyone on "ignore" but be listened to yourself.
But you won't be reading this coz you've already put me on "Ignore"!
Oh - and you could always throw in a few "Mermaids"
Geof
S2 /S3/ S4 are connected in that you can't expect to put everyone on "ignore" but be listened to yourself.
But you won't be reading this coz you've already put me on "Ignore"!
Oh - and you could always throw in a few "Mermaids"
Geof
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
Hey Geof
that's a bit harsh! Not quite sure what you mean...you're certainly not on ignore at all. Truth is I just feel the criticism for this poem is justified and maybe I should just go on to something more worthwhile. I value the crits I receive and often amend poems accordingly. But this was a sixty second knock out and you guys are worthy of more work from me before I post and expect you to indulge me!
True a novelty mermaid might be entertaining. I'm wondering about including one in every poem, it could become my 'thing'.
If I take the advice of you and Brian this poem could go like this:
The world is full
of vacous mermaids
calling from their rocks.
Parakeets chirping
over the parapets
with nothing to say.
that's a bit harsh! Not quite sure what you mean...you're certainly not on ignore at all. Truth is I just feel the criticism for this poem is justified and maybe I should just go on to something more worthwhile. I value the crits I receive and often amend poems accordingly. But this was a sixty second knock out and you guys are worthy of more work from me before I post and expect you to indulge me!
True a novelty mermaid might be entertaining. I'm wondering about including one in every poem, it could become my 'thing'.
If I take the advice of you and Brian this poem could go like this:
The world is full
of vacous mermaids
calling from their rocks.
Parakeets chirping
over the parapets
with nothing to say.
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Arian
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Hi Marc
Not a detailed crit, merely a confirmation of what you've recognised already - it's too self-conscious and heavy-handedly self-referential. Parody loses its value (and its humour) when it becomes indistinguishable from its target.
Not, in my view, up to your usual highly impressive standard.
Cheers
peer
Not a detailed crit, merely a confirmation of what you've recognised already - it's too self-conscious and heavy-handedly self-referential. Parody loses its value (and its humour) when it becomes indistinguishable from its target.
Not, in my view, up to your usual highly impressive standard.
Cheers
peer
Revision:
"I have nothing to say
today.
So I've said it
in a poem."
The web is crowded
with bored spiders.
All eight legs
tapping away.
Or parakeets
chirping indulgences
from electric cages.
Is solitude so maddening?
Original:
"I have nothing to say
today.
So I've said it
in a poem."
The web is crowded
with bored spiders.
All eight legs
tapping away.
Or parakeets
chirping indulgences
from electric cages.
Is solitude so maddening?
Original:
Marc wrote:I have nothing to say
today.
So I've said it in
a poem.
I hope it means more
to you
than me.
Of course the world
is crowded with the bored
calling over the parapet.
Parakeets with empty phrases
Like this.
I'd watch TV
but the parakeets are there
as well.
In life the only
mute button
is maddening
solitude.
Perhaps I did have
something to say?
Marc, the start of this reminded me of Edwin Morgan's poem Opening The Cage which is made up from a quote by John Cage.
This has a feeling that you are/were trying to overcome writer's block. I like the opening stanza but I can't see the point of the rest. The 'spiders on the web' thing is a bit hackneyed, for example.
The first stanza works well, perhaps using just that an playing around with it might bring on something.
This has a feeling that you are/were trying to overcome writer's block. I like the opening stanza but I can't see the point of the rest. The 'spiders on the web' thing is a bit hackneyed, for example.
The first stanza works well, perhaps using just that an playing around with it might bring on something.
Art is not a mirror to reflect the world, but a hammer with which to shape it.
[right]Vladimir Mayakovsky[/right]
[right]Vladimir Mayakovsky[/right]
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nar
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Hey, Marc.
I prefer the revision. It's clearer and more readable to me.
If that makes sense.
It's a great idea. Worth developing.
Best,
- Neil
I prefer the revision. It's clearer and more readable to me.
I have a suggestion on this, if I may. The spider legs idea might work better if you reduce them to three or four or increase them to a few million , and add an adjective to realise that type of spider.The web is crowded
with bored spiders.
All eight legs
tapping away
If that makes sense.
It's a great idea. Worth developing.
Best,
- Neil
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)
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brianedwards
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Aha! Good spot! I was trying to think what this reminded me of. Thanks!Denis Joe wrote:Marc, the start of this reminded me of Edwin Morgan's poem Opening The Cage which is made up from a quote by John Cage.
B.