58th and Madison

[dedalus]

People like we who live in tall houses
listen to piano chords, to Brahms and Mendelsohn,
floating softly surely across the elevated abyss
while bad-tempered whores and pimps and dealers
with muffled shouts do their dirty business
twenty stories below. I cannot stay, I know,
and yet the days enclasp and fondly linger
and hold me within their gentle grasp. I do
not think you really love me, not as before,
you are nice about the dimunition, the dimming
of the lights of former feeling, the passing away
of passion: yes, it was another time in another country.
I look down on the bawdy streets of New York
with my fingertips poised on the white windowsill
and dream of yellow parachutes, blossoming, opening,
and floating softly softly down. The nightmares
of the past are not quite with me now, I can breathe
easily. In another few days I can descend to the street,
leaving, perhaps, this gun behind. I have high hopes.

[Ros]

Enjoyed this, Bren. I like the parachutes and then the unexpected gun in the last line. You could perhaps strengthen a few of the phrases - dirty business, gentle grasp are a bit predictable. Nice mood though, with an interesting undercurrent in that last line.

Ros

[benjamin]

Too many adjectives IMO. There's one or two in nearly every line. Not enough literary devices. You should be able to create solid imagery without relying on adjectives and abstractions so much.

The second half of the poem is better and where you seem to hit your stride.

[Basnik]

Hi,

I liked this - I thought it had great tonal range. There is an issue with the repetition of ideas in enclasp and gentle grasp but if you edited one out you'd lose that lovely internal rhyme. I loved the yellow parachutes image and the o sounds you use to capture their motion. Nits - well, I think the bawdy street evocation 'bad-tempered whores' etc. is a bit too easy, not striking and evocative like the imagery later. I think with diminution, dimming and passing away you are overdoing the description but maybe that's intentional for emphasis. I think 'another time in another country' sounds a bit cliched. Spelling-wise, isn't it 'storeys' not 'stories' in this context? or did you mean stories. I would put a comma after softly (line 3 and also 4 from bottom) to create more of a caesura.

Overall, atmospheric, intriguing but not quite fresh enough in places.

Regards,

Rich Basnik

[dedalus]

Fair comment, Rich. This piece needs pruning!

[clarabow]

This seems a different type of poem - I was surprised. Gently reflective, without the anger that comes across much of your work, and I am glad to find this one as it shows another side? Although I too feel some words fall into the almost cliche and familiar it is relatable.

People like we who live in tall houses - the we here? I wanted to read me or us?
listen to piano chords, to Brahms and Mendelsohn,
floating softly surely across the elevated abyss maybe lose the softly -
while bad-tempered whores and pimps and dealers maybe lose and dealers as we get the picture
with muffled shouts do their dirty business
twenty stories below. I cannot stay, I know,
and yet the days enclasp and fondly linger
and hold me within their gentle grasp. I do
not think you really love me, not as before,
you are nice about the dimunition, the dimming
of the lights of former feeling, the passing away
of passion: yes, it was another time in another country.
I look down on the bawdy streets of New York
with my fingertips poised on the white windowsill
and dream of yellow parachutes, blossoming, opening,
and floating softly softly down. The nightmares
of the past are not quite with me now, I can breathe
easily. In another few days I can descend to the street,
leaving, perhaps, this gun behind. I have high hopes.

[Denis Joe]

Bren,

I like this. I particularly liked the ‘gun’ at the end. Not only does it provide a surprising image, but also the ‘uh!’ sound provides a surprising note.

My concern is with the second line. I wonder why Brahms and Mendelssohn who have greater recognition for more total music than piano composition and I wonder if ‘Schubert, Schumann, Chopin’ (perhaps with a colon before but not having an ‘and’) might not work better both sound-wise and as being more realistic. I know I don’t go along with poetry having to have meaning but I think in this case . . .

[dedalus]

Thanks, as always. Onward and upwards ... the 25th floor?