Sacraments

[calico]

Because we had met Sebastian’s Dad
who had been to the Abbey and seen
silent millions of children in robes
receiving the Blessing,
when I looked
at my children they
didn’t look
that good

the difference between a plateful of
white slivers peeled and pared
with a knife
and a couple of
bruised unevenly round
whole apples rolling

down the hill
into an old man
who raises his eyes to us:
best days of their lives
he says


(edited - plateful of instead of platter. And a comma.)

[clarabow]

I liked this Calico and should I assume inspired by the Pope's visit? Simple and effective. It is of course always easy and good television/image when you face the converted and bus loads of newly scrubbed children! And the end was unexpected and such a balanced view that I found my usual cynical attitude to the Catholic Church relax - mind you it is Sunday!

[ray miller]

I thought this was wonderful - I didn't yawn once. Have I mentioned before how your poems always have a building in them. Or so it seems. And this one has food and it reminded me of Talking Heads best album, More Songs About Buildings And Food.There's your title for your collected poems.
I loved it all, most especially the silent millions of children and the end of the first verse.

[David]

Sebastian? Very Brideshead.

I like the first two stanzas (S1 especially) very much, but you lost me a bit in the final one. Is it a celebration of unregimented and secular childhood over a religious upbringing? I just think that last line needs a tweak. It almost sounds like the start of a new subject rather than a conclusion of this one.

Cheers

David

[calico]

Thanks all, I was hoping to remain non-committal on the Pope front - but maybe that's not possible - I think David you may be right, that last line seems to replace religiosity for equally repugnant sentimentality - maybe him "raising his eyes to us" is a little too much, as if he's praying or something. But, yes, couldn't resist, it's Sunday.

[Sharra]

I really enjoyed this. That first line sets the tone of the poem so well. And I loved comparing the children to 'unevenly round apples'.
I wasn't keen on the last 2 lines. I would be tempted either to end with the man raising his eyes, or find something a little more connected to the rest of the poem for him to say.
Sharra
x

[Denis Joe]

Whilst the Pope's visit is still fresh in everybodys mind those last couple of lines are going to get snarked at. However a few months from now this poem will still be around and the memory of the visit will be bludgeoned by something else and those last few lines will not have the same relevance. I like them. yes! Eye raising does have a cliched taste to it but it shouldn't be the cliche that is the problem but how it is used.

I reckon this is a fine poem, though i actually hadn't connected it with the pope's visit until I read the comments. I think I am going senile.

[bodkin]

Hi Calico,

I think for me here I am having trouble with the whole better / worse parts.

e.g. I cannot quite tell what you think it better than what, or why?

Sebastian's dad saw all those other children, but you didn't... So I guess your feeling of unease is only that your children might look worse in _his_ eyes? Maybe you need to spell that out slightly more (only slightly)... But then there is no hint of what your own personal opinion is? Do you also rate the robed multitude? Or do think they are a pile of empty drones and the negative comparison exists only in the eyes of third-party observers?

Then there is the plate of apply slices and the two bruised rolling ones... Again I am not sure which of these is really superior... The former are more edible, more hygenic, etc etc, but the latter are more earthy, more alive...

I think I just need the narrator's position clarifying, otherwise there are too many ways to read the poem and no strong message comes through.

It's nicely fruitful subject matter though, a really good observation to start from.

HTH

Ian

[calico]

All good Q's, Mr Bodkin, it's problematic for me really. I guess what I really want to come through more strongly is that the old man's secular blessing is as good as the Pope's and the only difference is the ritual. So the ritual peeling and slicing apples is not better or worse just different than the whole apples. I am still working on this pome. Thanks for your comment Denis, yes I don't think you need to relate it to the Pope's visit, just to that structure. It's about structure and lack of structure more than anything, maybe I need to get experimental with the words and form. Thanks for your ideas.