To Inanna

[benjamin]

Two years ago, the last time I saw you, we planned
to build a house out of our desire.

Every day I hope for an imprint of your neurons on 0s and 1s,
but all I get are advertisements and rejections from publishers.

Did El Sordo have hope even as the fascists marched up his hill,
when it was certain he could not breathe free much longer?

I am alone on a tundra, kept just warm enough to live
by memories of past fires and dreams of sparks that never come.

I may not believe I will see the tulips bloom again, but their image
is burned into my eyes like on an old computer monitor,

and I would rather spend years with nothing but photographs
than forget what they bring to my senses.

[ray miller]

An odd one. I googled Inanna and El Sordo. Inanna might be a Sumerian goddess but I'm assuming it's a person's name. El Sordo sounds like a rival to Zorro but is presumably a Hemingway character.Googling often doesn't help. So, for me, it doesn't all hang together neatly, in particular, the neurons and old computer monitor are lost on me. Yet I quite enjoyed it, the 4th and last couplets especially.It just seems a mish-mash.

[Richard]

This seemed a bit disjointed to me. I feel like I may be mising something (the latin american refs, the computer?). There's also a couple of passages which were a bit tired to me:

Two years ago, the last time I saw you, we planned
to build a house out of our desire.

I am alone on a tundra, kept just warm enough to live
by memories of past fires and dreams of sparks that never come.


Sorry, this one's not working for me.

R

[Denis Joe]

I think that Pleides has a point. For me though it is the third couplet that blows it. There is no need for it. It's like that scene in the worst Pink Panther film where someone farts in the elevator. I like this though. I have a weakness for couplets. i reckon you could work this into a sonnet. Yeah! A bit of tweaking and removal of that couplet and probably extending the narrative a bit. But I really like what it's getting at.

[benjamin]

Thanks for the crits everyone.

This seemed a bit disjointed to me. I feel like I may be mising something (the latin american refs, the computer?). There's also a couple of passages which were a bit tired to me:

Two years ago, the last time I saw you, we planned
to build a house out of our desire.

Two people on two different forums have called this a cliche, yet before going with it I tried googling numerous variants ("house out of our desire", "house out of desire", "house out of my desire", "house out of your desire", "build a house of desire") and couldn't find a single instance of it used in a literary work. Is there something I'm missing?

[clarabow]

I didn't think this cliche and maybe they were thinking of 'built our house' set them off? Usually I notice cliches but I wouldn't dismiss a line just because of one. It is a fine line because a cliche can give a familiar feel - something we can all relate to - but the view seems to be to avoid them. Even if it was a cliche it doesn't rob the poem which I like.


Two years ago, the last time I saw you, we planned
to build a house out of our desire.

Every day I hope for an imprint of your neurons on 0s and 1s, - neurons on 0s and 1s didn't work for me
but all I get are advertisements and rejections from publishers.

Did El Sordo have hope even as the fascists marched up his hill,
when it was certain he could not breathe free much longer?

I am alone on a tundra, (kept) just warm enough to live - the meter felt out here so maybe delete kept
by memories of past fires and dreams of sparks that never come.

I may not believe I will see the tulips bloom again, but their image
is burned into my eyes like on an old computer monitor, - do you mean screen saver?

and I would rather spend years with nothing but photographs
than forget what they bring to my senses.

[David]

El Sordo. Wow. I'd forgotten his name, but I've always remembered something he said, while he (I think) waited on top of a hill to be blown to kingdom come; he had a headache: "Death would be his aspirin."

Much to think about here, ben.

As for your house-building "cliché", it didn't strike me as one. However, it did remind me of this:

We'll build a sweet little nest somewhere in the west
And let the rest of the world go by

I'm not sure if that's better than being a cliché or not.

Getting strange echoes of Philip K. Dick in the last two stanzas as well. Really interesting stuff.

Cheers

David