Poetry Forum

The crime rate's climbing higher every hour
Burglars on the news again, you know.
Excuse me, I should go and lock my door.

Come in my friend, what are you waiting for?
It's dangerous in these streets, statistics show
the crime rate's climbing higher every hour.

Always good to check, and brace both doors.
Make sure they can withstand what thieves can throw.
Excuse me, I should go and lock my door.

Now come. We'll sit, we'll drink beside the fire,
Hope walls can keep out more than just the cold.
The crime rate's climbing higher every hour.

You hate that I repeat myself, over and over?
Shut up. Everyone's a suspect, you never know.
Excuse me, I should go and lock my door.

Come, now I will walk you to the door.
You are clearly just their decoy, out you go -
the crime rate's climbing higher every hour.
Excuse me, you should go. I need to lock the door.

This works really well. You can hear the aggitation building right through each stanza.

I love villanelles and thought about trying one last night about OCD as was discussed in another topic yesterday, but I think this covers OCD tendancies much better and really lets you feel what it must be like to worry about locking a door rather than enjoying conversation with a friend.

F8

Caleb,

I like the address of: "You hate that I repeat myself, over and over?" Suitably cheeky and a great internal voice.


The problem is I do. I think you're forcing poem into form, not the other way around, here. Still, that's something we've all been guilty of at least once or twice.

Cheers,

Keith

Good one.

I think the forcing of poem into form was justified on this occasion.

I think it could be honed:

"It's dangerous in these streets, with all this snow"

Might he slip and twist his ankle?

"Make sure they can withstand all those criminals can throw."

Snowballs?

I'm getting lost in the snow theme, kinda detracts from the mesage, that aside well done for the Villain elle.

Thanks to you three.

Yeah, it still needs some work. Some day all the prblems will be out of it (ha, ha..)

- Caleb

You're right Keith, the more I read this one the less I like it. I think I stuffed it a little too tight.

Excellent choice of repeating lines, gives the right feel of paranoia.

"the crime rate's climbing higher every hour.
Excuse me, you should go. I need to lock the door."