Poetry Forum

I don’t remember the car, its black
carapace consuming us

or the rain, darkening
the ground while we waited

or the moss, blurring the cracks
between the paving slabs

or the sharp corners, biting fingers
as they lifted you

or the eddies of people, flowing
in your wake, steering me to my seat

or the shoes I counted, blackly
paired beneath the pews

or the mumbled responses
to the hushed Order of Service

or the figure on the cross, watching
over our disbelief

or the music splintering the air
like I’d never heard it before

or the flowers, their petals
spattering the concrete

I just remember
silence, unbroken
by your voice.

Sharra

Really good poem, I enjoyed reading it as much as something sad can be enjoyed. I like the way N takes the reader from accident to burial. I think the strongest image was the one with black shoes (sorry can't copy/paste from mobile) because it portrayed well how N is immersed in his grief just staring at the floor. What I also like the way you put that N doesn't recall seeing all those things, but he sees them of course, that is what happens with grief everything around you is a blur.
I also like the image of a man on the cross. This is very good, I often thought about this, that probably God wonders sometimes why we grieve so much after someone has died, after all it is largely believed we go to the "better place".
Have you read it without so many "or"s? I think after first one it is clear that all that happens means or until last strophe. For me it reads better.
I would love stronger ending this one sounds like cliché for me.
Overall it is a strong piece.
Thank you for sharing.
Nino

This is a beautifully constructed piece Sharra, I really like its quietness and its simplicity.

The first couplet is wonderful, I like the first line ending on 'black', it really sets the scene. Nice use of the dual meaning of the word 'wake' too, in the fifth couplet.

The only very slight niggle that I have is using 'black' twice, ok you've added 'ly' onto the end of one of them but its maybe a little obvious in a funereal poem. I like the first one, perhaps the second could be changed?

I realise that the whole thing is probably centred around the idea of focussing on small details rather than the reality of what's actually happening but the pedant in me wants to say if you don't remember those things then how come you're writing about them?

Still very, very beautiful though.

I liked this couplet best

or the rain, darkening
the ground while we waited

That's nicely observed, as is the sharp corners, biting fingers.
It is a very good poem, I think I'd prefer shell to carapace.I liked the ending.

It is very good. I thought the car at the start (don't like carapace, a bugger of a word to use well) was the hearse, not the accident, although I can see how that interpretation is possible.

Cheers

David

Hiya,

I'm with Nino on the 'ors'. There are some lovely images here-the paired shoes were my favourite-not quite sure either about the ending. But thank you for a good read.

jacq

A funeral in the rain . . .mmmm . . . I'm afraid I find the whole scenario quite cliched NIcky, with much of the imagery (and sentiment) implied by the context. If there was a little more originality in the phrasing it would be more acceptable, but I am just left feeling I have read this many times before . . . I'll be in the minority, I'm sure.

B.

Hi Sharra. I did find this moving and I think the relentlessness of the 'or the...' refrain is effective. However, I found the idea of those 'not remembered' things outlined in such detail difficult to reconcile, and yet...

The word 'carapace' feels out of place.

Sharra wrote:I don’t remember the car, its black
carapace consuming us

or the rain, darkening
the ground while we waited

or the moss, blurring the cracks
between the paving slabs ---------------- not keen on these two lines. And I think you convey this idea of 'downcast' attention much more effectively with the detail of the black shoes under the pews.

or the sharp corners, biting fingers ------------------- 'biting fingers' doesn't feel right. Not sure what you mean by this
as they lifted you

or the eddies of people, flowing
in your wake, steering me to my seat

or the shoes I counted, blackly
paired beneath the pews ---------------------- very good, a poignant detail

or the mumbled responses
to the hushed Order of Service

or the figure on the cross, watching
over our disbelief ---------------------------- I especially like these two lines - it's a very srong image for me

or the music splintering the air
like I’d never heard it before

or the flowers, their petals
spattering the concrete

I just remember
silence, unbroken
by your voice.

-------------------------------- though it feels perhaps a bit predictable, I do like this last line. But I still feel the fact that the N. is able to list all those supposedly unrememberd things in such detail a bit problematic.

All that said, though, this did move me - so it worked.

Mic

I like the couplets and the simple effective style. I thought it flowed seemlessly between crash and burial. Perhaps stronger images would enhance, but people will relate to this.

I don’t remember the car, its black
carapace consuming us

or the rain, darkening
the ground while we waited

or the moss, blurring the cracks
between the paving slabs

or the sharp corners, biting fingers
as they lifted you

or the eddies of people, flowing
in your wake, steering me to my seat

or the shoes I counted, blackly
paired beneath the pews

or the mumbled responses
to the hushed Order of Service

or the figure on the cross, watching
over our disbelief

or the music splintering the air
like I’d never heard it before

or the flowers, their petals
spattering the concrete

I just remember
silence, unbroken
by your voice.

Have I misread this? Is the opening referring to a crash? I thought it was the hearse . . .

Just wanted to add a note to what I wrote earlier Nicky. Although I don't find the poem particularly original, that's not to say it isn't effective in achieving what it sets out to achieve. Personally I'd prefer more interesting language or images, but that might not be what this poem wants at all.

B.

Brian, just me and wishful thinking - actually it doesn't say or even hint at a crash, although the first few couplets could - the dark and the rain - and for some reason evoked that image, and that might be a more effective image if Sharra wanted to build it in and avoid the lack of originality or your words to that effect?

clarabow wrote:Brian, just me and wishful thinking - actually it doesn't say or even hint at a crash but the dark and the rain for some reason evoked that image, and that might be a more effective image if Sharra wanted to build it in and avoid the lack of substance or your words to that effect?

Ahh, I see Clara! Thought I'd missed something for a minute . . .

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, there's some good suggestions there.
The car at the beginning is sposed to be the hearse, not a crash - so maybe I need to look at that again. Or else make more of the feeling of the crash, not sure which yet.
I realise the not remembering/giving all the detail is a bit of a contradiction, I'm trying to get across the way memory shifts, how even tho the N saw all these things, they just fade into insignificance beside the loss, but again, maybe I need to work at that some more.
I think the 'ors' may come out too.
This is the first one I have to workshop at Uni for this module, so wanted to test drive it before showing myself up in public lol.
Nicky
x

Nicky

I had no doubt N was talking about car crash. I thought it were paramedics rushing to the scene to lift a body

Doesn't read remotely like a car crash to me. I thought it was obviously the hearse, and I think you shouldn't try to introduce a car crash element at all. My main problem with the poem is the one which others have stated: the list of things not remembered, which must be remembered to be listed. It's a clever conceit, in some ways, but I don't think it works. Rather than "I don't remember..." I would go with "I try to forget..." and ditch all the "or"s. I would also get rid of the couplet format and mix the whole lot up in one chunky stanza.

I also thought it was the hearse. But 'carapace' is working too hard.

mic

I too thought it was a crash at first, but looking back at it I can see hearse. I have no problems with it being both. Its very nicely observed. There's not anything really different about it, as Brian points out. Nothing wrong with that, just depends what you;re aiming for with it.

Best

Richard

Sharra

There is very little wrong with this poem. Ok funeral in the rain isn't the most original but the execution is effective and I think it is evocative of that funeral feeling.

Rather than the detail contradicting the I don't remember I think it says I want to forget but...of course the precision of the date in the title is part of that.

The Ors too work - it's the layering on of the detail that takes the poem beyond mere description. Keep them.

If you want to lift the poem have a look at the closing stanza. I don't have the answer but I think a more original description of what is lost is all that you need.

Thoughts only

Eh

Sharra I'm with Elph on the crit and the last stanza. I'd also chime in about the ors. Too many are distracting and unnecessary. I love carapace and I'd delete the modifier because we assume it's dark. That leaves us right to the ground image which also gives us a sense of this. Less is more in this striking poem. I think with a bit of work you could have a finished poem.