Mr Elusive - Revised Again

[unchained soul]

My poem emerged unexpectedly as I mowed the lawn;
jumped out of the bush so I screamed.
Promptly he dropped as a stone to the ground, giggling like a child.
My face remained taut with mouth wide open.

I'd been waiting for ages for his arrival that day;
he was already late for dinner.
I was starting to worry that he had taken off, got run over or detained.
He told me I was just being silly.

[pseud]

Loved the first line. "My poem." The tone is very much like my sister telling a story, which is hard to capture sometimes. Others may be hard on this one because of its "telly" nature, I say it's good stuff.

One line that puzzled me:

got run over or worse

What could be worse?

- Caleb

[unchained soul]

Hi Caleb,

Thanks for your thoughts on this. Well it would be worse if you were tortured or murdered. lol. I'll look over it and see how I can make it less telly.

Rach

[pseud]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Most stories are telly.

[unchained soul]

Yeah. Thanks Caleb.

[moniquejade]

Really enjoyed this. I esp love the first verse. short and sweet. mj

[unchained soul]

Hi MJ,

Thanks. Always makes me happy when people like my poems.

Rach

[k-j]

I like this, it's got a good sense of humour. A few little things:

- I think it should be "unexpectedly" (i.e. you didn't expect it), not "unexpectantly" (i.e. the poem expected nothing);
- I'm pretty sure your face remained taut, not taught.
- If you'd been waiting ages for his arrival, why was it unexpected? I suppose perhaps you'd given up hope by that point;
- Instead of "killed", I'd go for something anticlimactic like "been delayed". Sort of more in keeping with the tone, I think. I like "got run over", though.

Overall I think it's about right. A neat antidote to all those tortured bards lamenting the agonies of the creative process and moaning about "writer's block" (spare me).

[unchained soul]

Hi KJ,

Haha yeah well spotted. I didnt proof read my work for spelling errors. Oops. I'll sort those out. Thanks for your thoughts and help. Im glad you liked it.

Rach

[dillingworth]

This is good; you're producing some great poems at the moment. Whilst I like the colloquial style you seem to be developing, you should be careful it doesn't come out sounding prosaic (it hasn't done in this case at all, just something to think about as you keep writing poetry).

The idea for this was really good - though I'd like to see some longer pieces from you as most of the ones I've read are only about 8 lines long.

[unchained soul]

Hi Dillingworth,

Thanks. Thats really encouraging. Thanks for the tip. Ive been thinking about making my poems longer. Just counted the lines on my latest poems... haha. "I wonder" has made it to 15 lines and "Stormy Climate" to 12 lines. So slowly increasing. lol


Rach