Poetry Forum

We found the biggest bastard was O'Rourke,
that dreaded month the shipment came up short.

The border guards had learnt our long term tricks
and stopped the motorbikes but not the trucks.

Of course we thought the new recruits should pay
just like they used to back in Riordan's day.

They knew it too and never asked for lies,
the big white fish will feed off smaller fries.

O'Rouke was mad enough to break new ground,
he'd felt the heat and now he passed it down.

He made the payment half in cash and half
in gold and paid it with a hearty laugh.

The dentist loved his job and Wagner too,
the vicious drill combined with Valkyries hooves.

The sound of metal pinging in a tin
recalls the image of white coat and grin.

To each new boss we have some sage advice
that gold doesn't like to be extracted twice.

Last week O'Rourke was found alone in bed
every tooth was gutted from his head.

S8 bites my ear Ben, but I'll leave the inevitable metrical nitpicking to those with candles burning for such things. Instead I'll just say how much I fucking loved reading this. Delightful.

B.

I like it too, Ben. It's got a rough tough sort of rolling Robert Service vibe to it. Could have sworn the lady known as Lou was going to make an appearance.

"Smaller fries" sounds a bit too much like unsatisfactory chips, and you might be missing an apostrophe or two (just one, probably), but who's counting?

Cheers

David

I enjoyed it. I think the first two lines ought to be reversed.
"he'd felt the heat and now he passed it down" that's a nice line.
I think the rhyme and metre in the 7th couplet is too far out.

I didn't really know what it was about - something specific I gather from the other comments, but none the wiser and I'm not going to google, so will just go ahead and make an idiot of myself - is it about a motorbike gang of sorts, in Wild West style, there's a lot of bravado going on, and a sadistic dentist on hand - a good story to get into. The couplets really throw me, I just don't read it naturally like that. But saying that every couplet works except for the big white fish and smaller fries, felt a little vague.

What I really like about the piece is its use of a plethora of line end and internal rhymes. And its major use of anapestic accent which is very difficult to write in pentameter.
Couplet 6 and 7 however require more accentual consideration and your meter is out in places... like the final line: Every is two syllables not three. I also disagree with its heavy reliance on pronouns which could be better used to extend the story line and focus of the piece.

Well done

M

Meesha wrote:What I really like about the piece is its use of a plethora of line end and internal rhymes. And its major use of anapestic accent which is very difficult to write in pentameter.
Couplet 6 and 7 however require more accentual consideration and your meter is out in places... like the final line: Every is two syllables not three. I also disagree with its heavy reliance on pronouns which could be better used to extend the story line and focus of the piece.

Ha! Right on cue!

brianedwards wrote:

Meesha wrote:What I really like about the piece is its use of a plethora of line end and internal rhymes. And its major use of anapestic accent which is very difficult to write in pentameter.
Couplet 6 and 7 however require more accentual consideration and your meter is out in places... like the final line: Every is two syllables not three. I also disagree with its heavy reliance on pronouns which could be better used to extend the story line and focus of the piece.

Ha! Right on cue!

Come Come, Brian, even a rainbow needs a bit of chromatography, otherwise we'd all be still reading Seneca!

Stuart

ray miller wrote:
I think the rhyme and metre in the 7th couplet is too far out.

I thought that stanza is a bit of humour (not that the rest of the poem is dour, mind you).

I like that you have used this structure to create that 'heroic' feel about visiting the dentist.

Great poem Ben.

By the way it is ev-er-y. Three syllables, methinks!

Denis Joe wrote:By the way it is ev-er-y. Three syllables, methinks!

Not according to Buddy Holly, and what Buddy says, goes, for me.

Thanks Brian, S8 is due an overhaul, I'm not keen on the hard rhyme ending of that one I tried to roll two stanzas together, but with unsatisfactory results now I look back.

Robert Service is a new one on me David, I'll have a search out for him later on. Quite right on the apostrophe I'll have a hunt behind the cushions for it.

Google won't help much Calico, border smuggler's was closer to what I had in mind, but you are free to read what ever story you think fits. The couplets are there to encapsulate a piece of information, each piece should add to the overall story without spelling it out, trying to leave gaps the reader can fill without making them too large, some of the jumps might still be a little big it seems.

Ray and Meesha I suspect my natural pronunciation of Valkyries is causing a problem here. When I speak or read I pronounce "valkyries" as "valk'ries" however wrong that might be. Equally 'Every' is a tricky one, I find I use it as both 2 and 3 syllables in daily life. In general speech it becomes "ev'ry", however if I am stressing a point is becomes "ev-er-y".

Thanks Denis.