We walked Small Hope
step by paddled step
skirmishing with seaweed ribbons.
A necktie of laced shoes
lovingly kiss at my nape.
Feet scuff sea
as it sand-ices with froth.
We say nothing,
still fresh stars break silence
from their moorings
to light our steps.
Heads lift briefly, but no sound.
I steal your views a comment
yet our distance stays dumb.
Walking on,
the tides wash carpet
rolls back, to spare us and Moses.
Then biblical fanfares rise
and all manner of your friends
descend on us,
dabbing their aerial feet
into the ready-mix of
old sand castles
and BC life,
till you fly.
El
Small Hope
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
"sand-ices with froth" I don't quite see, don't get the ice part.I think the stars would best just break free from their moorings, rather than silence. From "Then Biblical fanfares " is lost on me, I'm afraid. You seem to spend a lot of time at the seaside.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
if i could spend more time at the seasisde ray i would lol, thanks for replying.
yes i see that the stars silence sounds odd, i may change it.
sand -ices with froth means.....the sea sand ices (like icing a birthday cake with icing) except with sea froth. The biblical fanfares are the soundsa of the birds descending, as the previous line mentioned moses, it connects
el
yes i see that the stars silence sounds odd, i may change it.
sand -ices with froth means.....the sea sand ices (like icing a birthday cake with icing) except with sea froth. The biblical fanfares are the soundsa of the birds descending, as the previous line mentioned moses, it connects
el
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delph_ambi
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 857
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 1:33 pm
- Location: November
- Contact:
Some great images, but I feel you need to put the first line into present tense for consistency, or else go back into past at the end of the poem.
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Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2718
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Sorry, I don't agree. It's perfectly legitimate, in my view, to establish that an event was in the past, then go on to describe it as if you are re-living it (present tense).delph_ambi wrote:Some great images, but I feel you need to put the first line into present tense for consistency...
Anyhow, this struck me as a mix of the very good and the baffling.
I liked, for example:
We say nothing,
still fresh stars break silence
from their moorings
to light our steps.
(though ther'e a hint of a mixed metaphor, and silence is singular - so shouldn't it be "its"? Still, a nice image, all the same).
On the other hand, I could make no sense at all of:
I steal your views a comment
yet our distance stays dumb.
It struck me as a forced attempt to be "poetic".
All in all, I enjoyed reading it, it has some nice moments, despite a somewhat gnomic narrative.
Cheers
peter
Enjoyed, and fwiw I got the Iced-sand thing straight off.
Should it be "tide's" in the wash/ carpet rolls? I think so...
A nice piece,
Marc
Should it be "tide's" in the wash/ carpet rolls? I think so...
A nice piece,
Marc
yes you could bve right about tyhat peter, a few others have commented on it, the loine about stealing views.Arian wrote:Sorry, I don't agree. It's perfectly legitimate, in my view, to establish that an event was in the past, then go on to describe it as if you are re-living it (present tense).delph_ambi wrote:Some great images, but I feel you need to put the first line into present tense for consistency...
Anyhow, this struck me as a mix of the very good and the baffling.
I liked, for example:
We say nothing,
still fresh stars break silence
from their moorings
to light our steps.
(though ther'e a hint of a mixed metaphor, and silence is singular - so shouldn't it be "its"? Still, a nice image, all the same).
On the other hand, I could make no sense at all of:
I steal your views a comment
yet our distance stays dumb.
It struck me as a forced attempt to be "poetic".
All in all, I enjoyed reading it, it has some nice moments, despite a somewhat gnomic narrative.
Cheers
peter
cheers
El
not really mark....tideswash is a well used phrase for that wet section of a beach where the tide rushes up and recedesMarc wrote:Enjoyed, and fwiw I got the Iced-sand thing straight off.
Should it be "tide's" in the wash/ carpet rolls? I think so...
A nice piece,
Marc
thanks for commenting
El
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Bloggsworth
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 194
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:43 pm
- Location: Sunny Barnet
The core of the poem I like, but, I can make no sense of:
still fresh stars break silence
from their moorings
to light our steps.
Particularly as it goes on to say:
Heads lift briefly, but no sound.
Why not just have the stars just break from their moorings, no sound involved, then the later no sound makes sense.
Later:
Walking on,
the tides wash carpet
rolls back, to spare us and Moses.
Should that not be ...the tide washed carpet rolls back...?
still fresh stars break silence
from their moorings
to light our steps.
Particularly as it goes on to say:
Heads lift briefly, but no sound.
Why not just have the stars just break from their moorings, no sound involved, then the later no sound makes sense.
Later:
Walking on,
the tides wash carpet
rolls back, to spare us and Moses.
Should that not be ...the tide washed carpet rolls back...?
funny that david...but now i try to find it, seems i'm the sole user.oh well, i like it lolDavid wrote:It is?El Wow! wrote:not really mark....tideswash is a well used phrase for that wet section of a beach where the tide rushes up and recedes
cheers
El
hi RLR....funny that laces tied behind my neck...even when i was there, peoplke wpould stop, point and laugh, must be far idder than i thoughtRLR_Continuum wrote:I've said it before, and I'll say it again - "sand-ices with froth" - is a perfect image. Accomplishes three major tasks: a) gives sound of slosh; b) provides the exact texture of that lake cappuccino foam; c) gives a certain anglo-saxon toughness that counterpoints the religiosity. Dig it.ray miller wrote:"sand-ices with froth" I don't quite see, don't get the ice part.I think the stars would best just break free from their moorings, rather than silence. From "Then Biblical fanfares " is lost on me, I'm afraid. You seem to spend a lot of time at the seaside.
For me, "A necktie of laced shoes" is the only odd-ball image, diminishing the effectiveness of skirmishing...
Good read.
El
thanks blogs...i mean i liked it, but so many have judged it wrong, i shall rephrase itBloggsworth wrote:The core of the poem I like, but, I can make no sense of:
still fresh stars break silence
from their moorings
to light our steps.
Particularly as it goes on to say:
Heads lift briefly, but no sound.
Why not just have the stars just break from their moorings, no sound involved, then the later no sound makes sense.
Later:
Walking on,
the tides wash carpet
rolls back, to spare us and Moses.
Should that not be ...the tide washed carpet rolls back...?
cheers
El
It is, indeed, quite a good little word. And it's your own!El Wow! wrote:funny that david...but now i try to find it, seems i'm the sole user.oh well, i like it lolDavid wrote:It is?El Wow! wrote:not really mark....tideswash is a well used phrase for that wet section of a beach where the tide rushes up and recedes
cheers
El