Poetry Forum

If longevity's your heart's desire,
I can help you with that.
400 million years of references.
Note how the light is caught and not returned
by the striations in my ebon shell;
they tell of chambers, a delicate inner architecture.

But though you are outside-in, I can help you, in time.
Go, lay yourself in sediment, do it while you have the choice,
lie down, embrace the elements from which you came.
But first, eat silt, become stone, do all you can to lose
the marrow, the jelly inside that connects you with the air,
lose the flame to keep the candle -
leave your inner self to geology, your soul to god knows where.


Original



If longevity's your heart's desire,
I can help you with that.
400 million years of references.
Note how the light is caught and not returned
by the striations in my ebon shell;
they tell of chambers, a delicate inner architecture.

I grew, outside both body and water,
a line limiting form, keeping life sentient
until the cold became permanent.

But though you are outside-in, I can help you, in time.
Go, lay yourself in sediment, do it while you have the choice,
lie down, embrace the elements from which you came.
But first, eat silt, become stone, do all you can to lose
the marrow, the jelly inside that connects you with the air,
lose the flame to keep the candle -
leave your inner self to geology, your soul to god knows where.

Enjoyed this a lot, Rich, apart from the middle section - perhaps appropriately enough. Great opening 3 lines -succinct! "lose the flame to keep the candle" is a good line.
Maybe "do it while you can " rather than "while you have the choice".
I don't understand "a line limiting form" and didn't like the clash of permanent / sentient. On the other hand, sediment/ elements is lovely.

Hurrah from me too, Rich.

Interesting word, ebon - I thought it was a convenient poeticism for ebony. It's more than that, then?

Cheers

David

Hi guys,

Glad you like it. I could maybe lose the middle section - I was trying to express how the fossil part is the shell which is part of the life form but not really ever living. It is the line that defines the form, limits the form, is the liminal space between the body of the creature and the water in which it lived. The fossil was never really alive but still feels qualified to dispense advice!

'ebon' was a word a friend gave me, David. I originally had 'obsidian' but was told that was geologically inaccurate whereas ebon could be. I guess the ammonites could be excused the odd archaism.

I like using a dead creature as a narrator - gives you a lot of poetic licence!

Regards

Rich Basnik

This makes me think of one of the charming Taoist fables by Issai Chozanshi. He's always portraying different creatures like cicadas and rats and caterpillars trying to compare themselves to each other, each using his own existence as a yardstick to judge others by.

Hi CS,

I hadn't come across Issai Chozanshi so thanks for the recommendation. I read his fable about the cats and the rat and enjoyed it. I like the way they go off on an exploration of chi in their little monologues. I read a review recently of a book detailing the darker side of Buddhism, how zen can make you a better warrior, and it reminded me of that. I can't say I'm a Buddhist with any real conviction but I it does interest me a lot, and from what I understand of it, I find it difficult to comprehend it as having a violent side. The line 'lose the flame to keep the candle' was directly influenced by a conversation I had with a Buddhist monk.

Anyway, thanks again,

Rich Basnik

Buddhist monasteries in Tibet, China and Japan all maintained armed militias of fighting monks at different points in history. As owners of large land-holdings they had both property to protect and political connections that drew them into conflict. These conflicts weren't ordinarily about religion, though.

I was originally drawn to Chozansi because I'm a martial arts instructor, but his fables have something about them that I find really appealing.

My kind of subject-matter! I enjoyed this too, Rich. Agree that you could lose the central section perhaps, and I'm not so sure about the repetition of 'I can help you'. Does ebon refer to ebony? I'm not sure how that would work, fossil-wise. Good stuff, though.

Ros

Thanks Ros, glad you liked it. Middle section is going - doesn't do enough to justify its selection and breaks it up too much. 'Ebon' is from ebony but also means a dark grey/black colour. I wanted the fossilised wood connotations but I don't mean to say ammonites are made of ebony. Maybe I should lose it too.

Anyway, thanks for the read,

Rich Basnik