Poetry Forum

break or broke?

into the bruising and break
his vow to her a guillotine

I think the above needs a slight revision - although I understand what you mean - doesn't quite work. Otherwise for me a well written and a sort of - you just can't win in a marriage poem. Not sure about the title - see what others think.

Same on the break/broke point and think there is a much better title out there somewhere, but loved the way this built on itself right to the last line.

I'm by no means an adherent to the "show don't tell" school of poetics, but I think it applies here Rob. I think you have enough strong images to carry the narrative. First stanza sounds great.

B.

RLR_Continuum wrote:You both tripped at the same place my wife did. 3 for 3 so I stand corrected. The break was the noun, the actual crack in the finger, whose meaning I wanted to spill into "vow." I see that as a fail now. Thanks for the look and I will review.

Would 'breaking' work better as it would carry both parts and continue the previous lines unstressed endings.

For me a case of an edit too far? I thought the overall content was fine although I like this version but you have edited out some good lines,

cedar not pressure treated
and only because redwood
costs too much and composite
is too slick in the rain

he hammer-shattered his finger
the wedding ring furrowed
into the bruising swell

he hammer-shattered his finger
the wedding ring furrowed
into the bruising swell
swallowing his vow to her - this line is very good

they cut off the band at the E.R.
dropping it in the palm of his hand
stiff with tape and aluminum splint

they cut off the band at the E.R.
dropping a deformed symbol - this line is good
in the palm of his hand stiff
with tape and aluminum splint

back home he surveyed the
unfinished deck strewn with
nails slivers and splinters

for six to eight weeks he would wonder
what she thought about another
goddamn broken promise

Was this a triversum (I think that's the word)?

I like this one. Wry humor at the end.