Poetry Forum

Version 2
The onion doesn't have layers
it has panels
nailed to its skin.

On occasions
he goes back to the warehouse
where he stores broken typewriters,
unfinished narratives of the campaign,
unexploded bombs.
sellotaped wires.

He audits his feelings
keeps them neatly arranged
on shelves and spreadsheets and

he examines them against the light
and is pleased with his investigations.





Version 1
A room spits outside
opposite the mechanism
the precious and the defeated
amongst supposed fathers,
we know the emptiness
of the lousy gesture,

underneath another fashion.
The onion doesn't have layers
it has panels
nailed to its skin.

And on occasions
he goes back to the warehouse
where he stores broken typewriters,
unfinished narratives of the campaign,
unexploded bombs.
celllotaped wires.

He audits his feelings
keeps them neatly arranged
on shelves and spreadsheets.

On occasions he examines them against the light
and is pleased with his investigations.

Hi John

Some nice words and images in this. I like how this poem ends, but am somewhat confused at the start. Stanza 1 is quite cryptic and I feel detached from the narrative. I think the punctuation may need revisiting to aid understanding.

You have celllotape with 3 Ls. Plus, it's Sellotape.

The 3rd stanza is the first time you use the word "he". This introduces your male character which the whole poem is about. I think we need to see that "he" earlier.

You use "on occasions" twice. The repetition sticks out.

I'd be interested to see what other people think about the meaning of this and would look forward to seeing any progress. Some good ideas and I like the image of auditing his feelings.

I like this one a lot.
I can't help wondering if it would be just as effective without the intro stanza, something like:

(He knows) the emptiness
of the lousy gesture:
the onion doesn't have layers
it has panels
nailed to its skin.

And on occasions
he goes back to the warehouse
where he stores broken typewriters,
unfinished narratives of the campaign,
unexploded bombs.
celllotaped wires.

He audits his feelings
keeps them neatly arranged
on shelves and spreadsheets.
He examines them against the light
and is pleased with his investigations.

Thanks for stopping by people.

I have made a few adjustments, agree that the first stanza was rather obscure and have removed it (however part of me wanted to keep it) Thinks it read better now.

And, Vesuvius, have removed the double "on occasions" .

John G wrote: He audits his feelings
keeps them neatly arranged
on shelves and spreadsheets and

he examines them against the light
and is pleased with his investigations.

I think that's brilliant. Terrific use of the word "and". (That may sound facetious, but it isn't.)

Cheers

David

Version 1 - 1st stanza did give me a feeling of concrete ideas and an intro into the rest but I like what you have done with the editing. There is some very good material here that made me want more? It felt a little not unfinished, but rather unstarted? I love the onion idea but it sort of drops from no where and sits outside the rest. Not that it matters here because it works.

A further, fairly trivial thought - any Shrek in here, John?

David, funnily enough I just watched Shrek again yesterday

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php ... 2&comments

Gooder ... but what happened to

'He knows the emptiness
of the lousy gesture"

?? --- I liked that bit.

'He knows the necessity
of the empty gesture"

Hmm. Umm?

Hi John
I really like the last 3 stanzas of this - the first one with the onion has me mystified though I'm afraid - it just feels like a random addition. Is there a significance to it that I'm missing?
Nicky
x