This was written at a time when i was completely outraged at the way the world is turning out, and even my sweet MJ couldn't really take my mind off of things. (Not as if it's any better now.) Again, as with the prequel, it leaves alot to be desired. It needs some work, and where else is a better pace to find suggestions, eh?
Lascivia… Apres les Horreur
Again, that place in the back of my mind
Which you have yet to visit.
My palace of passion, my kingdom of clarity,
My Lascivia's quite exquisite.
You cannot begin to imagine
The scents, the sights, the sounds.
The insects, birds and waterfalls
Sing a song profound.
The people once were jovial
With the life in their veins, and so on.
Their steps seem to stutter, their thoughts all a flutter,
Now with rage on the tips of their tongues.
These beings once understood
What it was like to be free from corruption.
But as time turned round and morals hit ground
They exposed a world of destruction.
One man always needs more
Than another man seems to possess.
This greed and scrutiny once needed a mutiny,
Though now it's completely hopeless.
The materialism of society
Has crushed a soul so strong.
I know the world is nearly over,
When even Lascivia's gone.
Lascivia - sequel
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A_Fire_Inside
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Wed Sep 07, 2005 9:51 pm
- Location: Lancashire - England
Again, That Place In The Back Of My Mind, Which You Have Yet To Visit....
Hello again,
A few thoughts on this:
Strong opening, as rhyming quatrains go, nice rhyme of visit and exquisite.
"You cannot begin to imagine" is weak on two levels: first, if it is beyond imagining then why are you describing it? Second, it is a cliche way to put it.
As I said before you're good with rhyme in my estimation in some spots. 'But as time turned round and morals hit ground' is good internal rhyme. 'This greed and scrutiny once needed a mutiny' isn't as strong, but eh, its good. Don't ever let it control you, that'd be a shame.
'of destruction' and 'materialism of society' are a bit weak because they are abstractions, kind of like "beauty," "truth," etc...they're the kind of stuff you hear in sermons.
Fine effort. Hope to see more, would love to get comments from you on other poems as well,
- Caleb
A few thoughts on this:
Strong opening, as rhyming quatrains go, nice rhyme of visit and exquisite.
"You cannot begin to imagine" is weak on two levels: first, if it is beyond imagining then why are you describing it? Second, it is a cliche way to put it.
As I said before you're good with rhyme in my estimation in some spots. 'But as time turned round and morals hit ground' is good internal rhyme. 'This greed and scrutiny once needed a mutiny' isn't as strong, but eh, its good. Don't ever let it control you, that'd be a shame.
'of destruction' and 'materialism of society' are a bit weak because they are abstractions, kind of like "beauty," "truth," etc...they're the kind of stuff you hear in sermons.
Fine effort. Hope to see more, would love to get comments from you on other poems as well,
- Caleb