Version 2
The way a horse
lifts a sugarlump
from the palm of your hand
was the way
she took the chocolate
from mine,
a brush of lips,
a gust of breath,
then an emptiness
galloping on for weeks.
Version 1
The way a horse
lifts a sugarlump
from the palm of your hand
was the way
she took the chocolate
from mine,
a brush of lips,
a gust of breath,
then an emptiness
which galloped for weeks
alongside the tracks
of thoughts.
Stranger on a Train
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BenJohnson
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Last edited by BenJohnson on Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.
The way a horse
lifts a sugarlump
from the palm of your hand
Great choice of verb. It's EXACTLY what happens when you feed a horse. And anyone who has (fed a horse) will immediately relive the experience upon reading it.
The last two lines don't work for me though. Everything else seems to fit snugly into place, except for...
alongside the tracks
of thoughts.
...which seems a little forced in comparison.
Just a thought.
Chairs,
Me
lifts a sugarlump
from the palm of your hand
Great choice of verb. It's EXACTLY what happens when you feed a horse. And anyone who has (fed a horse) will immediately relive the experience upon reading it.
The last two lines don't work for me though. Everything else seems to fit snugly into place, except for...
alongside the tracks
of thoughts.
...which seems a little forced in comparison.
Just a thought.
Chairs,
Me
There's only one rule in street and bar fights: maximum violence, instantly. (Martin Amis, "Money")
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brianedwards
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Read this a few times Ben and having never given a sugar lump to a horse (that I can remember anyway) the verb lift was actually a huge bump for me. It just doesn't seem (to me) to be a good fit with a horse. Of course when I get to S3 and realise she took the chocolate with her mouth, and then I play that against the title, it all becomes very intriguing and fun, but it did take me a couple of reads to enjoy the intrigue. I'll bow down to Trav's expertise in this area, but thought I should report anyway.
I do agree with him about the last 2 lines though and think ending on L10 is more than satisfying.
B.
I do agree with him about the last 2 lines though and think ending on L10 is more than satisfying.
B.
Ben
This all fits together very nicely and paints a fantastic picture of a chance encounter.
I have fed a horse - usually polo mints - and lifts is perfect. I think the sonics lump/palm/hand are excellent.
I agree with Brian and Trav on the last two lines - ending on l10 would be perfect.
cheers
elph
This all fits together very nicely and paints a fantastic picture of a chance encounter.
I have fed a horse - usually polo mints - and lifts is perfect. I think the sonics lump/palm/hand are excellent.
I agree with Brian and Trav on the last two lines - ending on l10 would be perfect.
cheers
elph
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BenJohnson
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As usual you have all picked up on the bit I am unhappy with, the ending has changed several times and I haven't found one I'm really happy with. It feels a little bare to me to end at L10, but I will try it and see if it grows on me.
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ray miller
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It's a very nice poem, Ben, and the shortened end is much better, though at the same time a little unsatisfying.
Of course, much depends on the horse.
Johnny Three Fingers
Of course, much depends on the horse.
Johnny Three Fingers
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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twoleftfeet
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Mick Jagger would like this one, Ben.
I really like the ending but, as others have said, omit the last two lines.
Geoff
btw Is the girl's name Winnie?
I really like the ending but, as others have said, omit the last two lines.
Geoff
btw Is the girl's name Winnie?
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
The way a Mustang
lifts a sugar lump
from the cusp of a/your hand
was the way
she took (the?) chocolate
from mine:
a brush of lip/s,
a gust/flush of breath,
then (an?) emptiness
which galloped for weeks>< galloping for weeks?
Nice! The title and the finale are well matched.
M
lifts a sugar lump
from the cusp of a/your hand
was the way
she took (the?) chocolate
from mine:
a brush of lip/s,
a gust/flush of breath,
then (an?) emptiness
which galloped for weeks>< galloping for weeks?
Nice! The title and the finale are well matched.
M
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BenJohnson
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Naytwoleftfeet wrote:btw Is the girl's name Winnie?
I have fed a few horses - sugar lumps, polo mints and apples, mostly - and it is a brilliant image to start the poem with (and to relate to the stranger's move). Not entirely happy with "lifts", though - it's not wrong, but it doesn't seem that right. I'm not sure it's quite up to the job, but I'm afraid I can't be more specific than that at the moment. It's a bit like being hoovered with a wet flappy hoover, which is not the most erotic of images. (Or is it?)
Wonderful evocation of the mind set a-gallop by the experience, Ben.
Cheers
David
Wonderful evocation of the mind set a-gallop by the experience, Ben.
Cheers
David
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Ros
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Very nicely done, although I do tend to think of horses as a bit more slobbery than that. Well, maybe not wet-slobbery, but with much hot huffing and snuffling. As David says, not immediately erotic...
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Camels and cows are sloven of mouth. Horses are precise and dry of lip. And toothy. They also nasally snort. As such the image presents me with a hot and dry breathed filly... which expectation wise is very nicely done. Lift too is solid as it suggests stolen rather than given... which too suggests this filly knows and takes exactly what she needs or wants. Every hot blooded and fairdinkum males wet dream I'd suggest.
I've a problem with the word horse itself seeming to be derogatory. And, sure, you may loose the vowel rhyme with the later your. But I'd use a specific breed of horse instead.
I'd also consider days (pun) rather than week as the final word.
M
I've a problem with the word horse itself seeming to be derogatory. And, sure, you may loose the vowel rhyme with the later your. But I'd use a specific breed of horse instead.
I'd also consider days (pun) rather than week as the final word.
M
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brianedwards
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Yeah, interesting. Comparing a woman to a horse is not at all flattering and shouldn't work, but somehow it does.
Ending on "days" is quite a good suggestion.
B.
Ending on "days" is quite a good suggestion.
B.
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BenJohnson
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The David and Ros Re-write
The way a horse
vacuums a sugar lump
from the palm of your hand
was the way
she slurped the chocolate
from mine,
a quick hot huff,
a drip of drool,
a certain slobberiness,
that lingered on for weeks.
Thanks all for the feedback, I agree days is a more fitting conclusion and feels more satisfying for some reason. I think I will stick with a plain horse rather than a breed, mustang is rather too American for me and evokes images of muscle cars.
The way a horse
vacuums a sugar lump
from the palm of your hand
was the way
she slurped the chocolate
from mine,
a quick hot huff,
a drip of drool,
a certain slobberiness,
that lingered on for weeks.
Thanks all for the feedback, I agree days is a more fitting conclusion and feels more satisfying for some reason. I think I will stick with a plain horse rather than a breed, mustang is rather too American for me and evokes images of muscle cars.
Excuse me for saying what are horses connected with trains here? I except
the poetical wave though.
I have three of them, Molly. Gollie and Blackbird. They are lovely creatures.
It is nice to write in this way. Perhaps that stranger on your train inspired you
to say something. There are errors here for my part and that lies in the
expression which for me does not seem to cross the bridge. However this
a personal opinion.
I will give you a take: Stranger, what lonely? Train, going no where?
Horses, better than humans? Just some takes here of the cuff. It did
not come over for me but it may of for others and there is nothing wrong in that:
we don't live in China where oppression is a constant curse on her peoples.
I don't mean to be over dramaitic but we all All are dead at the end of the day
are we not? Every single one of us. Am I wrong?
I like it. Sometimes poets will find an eternal paradise On their way perhaps.
Always write what you feel I am sure you have read Byron, yea?
These guys were not nonsense they lived and died for higher realms the
earth still now does not know them......poetry is from the heart how could
it be ever otherwise
Please ask me?
I did enjoy it though
Was that the stranger on this train?
As you say perfectly "then an emptiness" say what you need to say
but is it going? Feel what you need to feel yea everyone has opinions
that is life, but always be yourself
Wish that stranger well
the poetical wave though.
I have three of them, Molly. Gollie and Blackbird. They are lovely creatures.
It is nice to write in this way. Perhaps that stranger on your train inspired you
to say something. There are errors here for my part and that lies in the
expression which for me does not seem to cross the bridge. However this
a personal opinion.
I will give you a take: Stranger, what lonely? Train, going no where?
Horses, better than humans? Just some takes here of the cuff. It did
not come over for me but it may of for others and there is nothing wrong in that:
we don't live in China where oppression is a constant curse on her peoples.
I don't mean to be over dramaitic but we all All are dead at the end of the day
are we not? Every single one of us. Am I wrong?
I like it. Sometimes poets will find an eternal paradise On their way perhaps.
Always write what you feel I am sure you have read Byron, yea?
These guys were not nonsense they lived and died for higher realms the
earth still now does not know them......poetry is from the heart how could
it be ever otherwise
Please ask me?
I did enjoy it though
Was that the stranger on this train?
As you say perfectly "then an emptiness" say what you need to say
but is it going? Feel what you need to feel yea everyone has opinions
that is life, but always be yourself
Wish that stranger well
Last edited by Lovely on Wed Feb 02, 2011 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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BenJohnson
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Sorry it didn't come over for you Dave but thanks for taking the time to comment. 3 horses? You must love them.
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Ros
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Yeah, well, I never said taking my advice was a good idea!
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Hm, the way a horse = sexy young woman - but for some reason the analogy doesn't work for me! Maybe it is a man thing. I would hate to be compared to a horse although of course, there are plenty of the county set who get compared as such and not forgetting your love rival is a bitch or cow. Maybe it will grow on me.
I like it when a tall filly with pearly whites speaks up, CB. I'm glad one has the gusto too too as horse comes off like mule or squaw in context for me. Also horse is slang for a man or fellow btw... which isn't a bad thing if ones that way inclined and is looking for metaphorical mileage from minimalism. Nag too would be bloody interesting as Chocolate is slang for speaking shit (lying) over here btw!
By the by I think all agree the piece has MUCH potential.
Lovely: not only is the title a pun, but I know you like music and would ask you to consider Jive Talking by The Bee Gees and where Barry Gibb actually got its neat and inspirational beat from... the noise a car tyre makes when rolling over a bridge joist (The Brooklyn bridge from memory)... kerchunk—kerchunk! Now simply think of riding on a train when its wheels cross a rail joiner. Now think of the noise your horses hooves make while riding it in full gallop. Now think of your heartbeat when a pretty girl pops up and gobs a sweet from your palm.
Ben: the latest edit sucks for me I'm sorry to say.
The way a Chestnut
lifts those sugarlumps
from the palm of your hand
They girls will eat you alive for that one lol
The way an Arabian
lifts sugarlumps
from the palm of ones hand
If you wrote it like that in Egypt right now you'd be stoned lol
Horses for courses, I say. And as it's your poem, do what pleases you and you only.
M
You invented a mine/mind field with this piece.... bravo
By the by I think all agree the piece has MUCH potential.
Lovely: not only is the title a pun, but I know you like music and would ask you to consider Jive Talking by The Bee Gees and where Barry Gibb actually got its neat and inspirational beat from... the noise a car tyre makes when rolling over a bridge joist (The Brooklyn bridge from memory)... kerchunk—kerchunk! Now simply think of riding on a train when its wheels cross a rail joiner. Now think of the noise your horses hooves make while riding it in full gallop. Now think of your heartbeat when a pretty girl pops up and gobs a sweet from your palm.
Ben: the latest edit sucks for me I'm sorry to say.
The way a Chestnut
lifts those sugarlumps
from the palm of your hand
They girls will eat you alive for that one lol
The way an Arabian
lifts sugarlumps
from the palm of ones hand
If you wrote it like that in Egypt right now you'd be stoned lol
Horses for courses, I say. And as it's your poem, do what pleases you and you only.
M
You invented a mine/mind field with this piece.... bravo
Ben
I like version two. I really love the beginning, you paint such a good image. I have fed a horse when I was small and this image is so vivid and clear, well done. I like the ending too as it goes well with the beginning and a horse. This piece is quite short and yet you manage to tell the story and galloping goes really well with the quickness of the poem if you know what I mean ( I hope I expressed what I wanted to say relatively clearly)
I like version two. I really love the beginning, you paint such a good image. I have fed a horse when I was small and this image is so vivid and clear, well done. I like the ending too as it goes well with the beginning and a horse. This piece is quite short and yet you manage to tell the story and galloping goes really well with the quickness of the poem if you know what I mean ( I hope I expressed what I wanted to say relatively clearly)