Roofing

[Suzanne]

Roofing

Since your mother died, the roof
has leaked into the kitchen
where your grandmother's tins
catch in wet clarity the drips
that plink in slow-motion time
with my dead father's clock.

Winter's becoming an ethereal thing,
our supporting beams get wetter.
Water rolls off the rafters, seeps between
glass panes that look out on the hedge
your grandfather was pruning,
shears over head, when his heart fell still
and onto the thorned branches.

We hang our bedclothes
on these weakening walls,
under an exterior slowly losing
its resolution to bear the weight
of the water- shed like tears
that land at our feet.








,

[Raisin]

Hey Suzanne,

I loved reading this, I think you've attached each line to one another so everything fits .

"Catch in wet clarity the drips
that plink in slow-motion time"

is brilliant, I love the use of the word "plink".

The second stanza is great, though there were two lines that I had trouble with-

"he never wanted trimmed"

which I just think could be made to read better,

and

"our supporting beams will keep get wetter,
water roll off the rafters, seep between"...

which makes me think that maybe you were a little tired when you posted this?

Apart from those lines I really enjoyed the read, so thanks,

Raisin

[Suzanne]

Thank you very much Raisin, yes, I was tired!
I tweaked it a bit and removed a line or two. I hope it flows better.

Glad you liked it, it's encouraging.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Nash]

Yes, I like this one too Suzanne. It conveys that sense of worlds falling apart with the death of a loved one very well.

The first couple of lines are great. 'the roof has leaked into the kitchen', that's good that is. Not just the rain leaking in, it's the whole roof on the brink of collapse. Very good.

Personally I'm not so keen on 'plink' but that's probably just me.

thanks,
Nash.

[clarabow]

I wonder about the title - as roofing suggests mending the roof? Is this what you had in mind? Just some suggestions to ignore as always!

Roofing

Since your mother died, the roof
has leaked into the kitchen
where your grandmother's tins
catch in wet clarity the drips
that plink in slow-motion time
with my dead father's clock. - how does this relationship work? my father - his mother?

Winter ('s) becomes (ing) an ethereal thing,
our supporting beams get wetter,
water rolls off the rafters, seeps between
glass panes that look out on the hedge
your grandfather was pruning,
(shears over head,) when his heart fell still - not sure you need (... )
and onto the thorned branches.

We hang our bedclothes
on these weakening walls, under
an exterior slowly loosing - do you mean losing?
its resolution to bear the weight
of (the) water- shed like tears
that land at our feet.

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Nash. The first two lines came popped into my head with big feet. Lol. Glad you liked them. Plink was a last minute pick when I realized I had "fall" and was missing an opportunity to give the drips a sound. What word would you choose? Just curious.

Clara, thanks. The title is what I meant. These people need to mend the roof they sleep under. I don't understand the question about "my dead father". There are four dead people in the poem. Thanks for the typo catch.... A typo, it is so unlike me. Wink.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Nash]

Plink was a last minute pick when I realized I had "fall" and was missing an opportunity to give the drips a sound. What word would you choose? Just curious.

'Plink' just sounds a bit twee to me somehow. How about 'chime', sort of ties it into the next bit?

[Ros]

Enjoyed this a lot, Suzanne. I'd have a sentence stop between these two lines:

our supporting beams get wetter,
water rolls off the rafters, seeps between

and here I'd line break on walls, rather than under:

on these weakening walls, under
an exterior slowly losing

- there's no great significance to under, I think, and you're giving it undue weight sticking it on the end like that.

Good stuff,

Ros

[Suzanne]

Thanks for coming back, Nash. I don't like chime for the sonics.
I must admit I like the word "twee" as it is uncommon ( to me) and nearly always brings a smile to my face.... Which is so very- twee! I have never heard it spoken... That is funny too, isn't it? I'm going to have my British friends say it for me... That and "mills and boone". Thanks for the reply.

Ros!!
Great! I am glad you like it. I have used both of your suggestions. The full stop was considered when I wrote it, glad you saw it too. And the "under" ? I don't know what I was thinking. Of course that is better.

Thank you for your "good stuff", that is a rewarding reply.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Ros]

Thank you for your "good stuff", that is a rewarding reply.

It's what I always put when I see a good poem but don't know how to say 'this is a good poem', except by saying 'this is a good poem'...

[Ros]

I'm fairly sure it Isn't Done to ask your friends to say 'Mills and Boon'. They will wince.

[Suzanne]

Thanks again, Ros. I am beginning to think I may really be stepping up. Big smile.
Suzanne
(A good wince is character building, right? And you probably wouldn't be too surprised to know I get away with doing things I'm told simply aren't Done. Lol. )

[terriblefish]

I felt that the water was synonymous with time, I thought those two themes complemented eachother well. The water seeping and dripping away, weighing them down. If this is slap-in-the-chops obvious then astronomical apologies - I just really got that.

Nash, as always an excellent suggestion with 'chimes' in place of 'plinks', though I must say I feeĺ that plinks has its noble place. The comic onomatopoeia pulled me back level when I began to twig to the theme being death,(and I'm on a good one today,) though Nash may have a point with the bell denotations of chime, pertaining to funerals and the like.

Superb, Suzanne. Liked the pace.

tf

[TDF]

Hi Suzanne,

+1 for 'plink'.

Nothing new to say really, better advice than mine has been offered already... But I did enjoy this.

Message here for me is: sometimes that roof gets too broke to fix, and a new start is in order...

Tom

[Nash]

though Nash may have a point with the bell denotations of chime, pertaining to funerals and the like.

That got me thinking, you could always have 'toll', nice bit of assonance with 'clock' too. But it only seems to be me that doesn't like 'plink' anyway, so probably not.

[terriblefish]

that toll in slow-motion time
with my dead father's clock



Oh, yeeeah...

spinal shivers.

tf

[Suzanne]

oooh, what an idea!

Thank you terriblesish, Tom and Nash for the replies.

Tom, Is +1 a good score or bad?

Terri, glad you liked it. I had not thought of the water being time, very interesting.

plink seems to be a problem for some and I can see why. Chime didn't work but I have to admit that toll is very very interesting. It strengthens the time concept and changes a poem slightly. I have to think about it before I change it but it is a very clever idea.

I thought there would be issues with "slow-motion time" and it has not been mentioned, I guess it is okay, not too clunky.

thanks again.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Arian]

plink seems to be a problem for some and I can see why.

Yes, it's an oddly awkward, even ugly word, in some ways. On the other hand, it's quite strongly onomatopoeic, too, so I'd say it works well enough in this context.

Cheers
peter

[TDF]

Tom, Is +1 a good score or bad?

sorry, am I being a bit internetygeekyspeaky. +1 means "add my vote to the 'like it' column".

I like the solitary nature of the sound, it's seems isolated, yet clear. I can imagine it almost echoing in the house that once echoed with the voices of the now departed. Also I just think it represents the little metallic sounds a mechanical clock can make quite nicely.

Tom

[Suzanne]

Peter,
Really nice hear from you. I rather like the word plink. When I wrote the poem, I wanted the sound of rain in a pot. I really like the idea of toll because it is clever but the poem really isn't about death but the life that continues under the imperfect roof. If the images of death and time were the message, I would use toll but with the haunting toll of death at the beginning, I think it would have an impact on the rest of the read.

Thanks Nash and Terri for the encouragement.
And Tom, I like the word "internetgeekyspeaky" and I like points when they come my way, yes. Thanks.

Plink, wink,
Suzanne

[JohnLott]

Hi Suzanne

Oh dear, odd one out again.

I have heard 'plinking' into a tin to catch dripping water.

If the plinking, for the other crits is wrong, then think about its (contextual) location.

Just a thought.



J.

[oggiesnr]

The water, the tins and the plinking reminded me of primary school experiments where you worked in groups to make a water clock and you were judged by how accurate you marked the passing of time.

Lovely poem,

Steve

[Suzanne]

Thanks Steve, that is a great story. It fit with what I imagined. Thank you.
Suzanne