Scorpion

[ray miller]

You chuck de cheap shots, Gav,
are dem de best you 'ave?
Me 'ear de same boo-hisses
when I pisses in de lav.
You tell me cusp of misguided,
me I jus' say lost
'til I shine up de lightin'
on me language torch,
see you crawlin' your belly
thru de hermit dust.



I gotta watch



I gotta watch



Dem are de big breaks, Gav,
like de real poets 'ave.
I not a proper poet
so me jus' down drag
and mek a tight pack o' stuffin'
wi' no pregnant pause
'fore de bang full o' nuffin
from de minotaurs.


You gotta watch


You gotta watch your back
no let your shoulders round,
de weight o' de manners
toss you up and down.
Damn cheek call me chicken
when you hide in de ground,
I put a sting on your tail
'fore me sink and drowned .

[twoleftfeet]

Bentley, is that you?

I'm starting to wonder what is going on round here..

[ray miller]

I'm waiting to see if Divine Intervention will delete this poem in the same way - apparently - that Gavin's crits are deleted. Also, Gavin has been crying out to be the subject of a poem. He'll be thrilled to bits.

Bentley.

Don't call me Ben

[terriblefish]

Oh my word, raymiller (Bentley?!) this is absolutely brilliant, imho.

I was half expecting something somewhere in the region of Shapcott (default reaction - she was my morning read) and upon beginning to digest it , Agard - but this piece so came into its own regards rhythm and originality!
Only one wee suggestion - last line. If it were I , I may have used
'you lyin' little I '
this is because I felt that last line didn't end the poem as dramatically as it could. In honesty my suggestion is no better, I just feeĺ you could continue the excellent phonetics and colloquialisms right tò the end - I loved that!!

Off to read again.
Cheers.

tf

[brianedwards]

Bes' ting y'eva scribed.

B.

[David]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFtLONl4cNc

And I haven't been deleting any of Gavin's crits. In fact I print them out and keep them in a scrapboook.

[ray miller]

No, man, dis de ting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iD_qZ3hTDo

[ray miller]

terriblefish. Can I call you Wanda? Shapcott and Agard? Did they have the ironmongers in Egghill Lane in the 60's?
Not quite sure what you mean by this - 'you lyin' little I '. Is that an L or an I or what? But anyhow I should have likkle not little.Gi' me likkle bass make me wine up me waist. Nowt better than that. Thanks ever so much for your very kind comments.

Brian. Is a sting in dis tail?

David. Divine Intervention, I said. That's Ros, not you.

[brianedwards]

No. I genuinely loved it.

[ray miller]

Brian. You 'ave de big shock, I know, an' dis is no de real you speak. I see dat. You tek a good care, friend.

[ray miller]

Apologies to Gavin. I really thought he'd been deleting his own posts. Turns out not to be the case.

[terriblefish]

terriblefish. Can I call you Wanda? Shapcott and Agard? Did they have the ironmongers in Egghill Lane in the 60's?
Not quite sure what you mean by this - 'you lyin' little I '. Is that an L or an I or what?.

Well helloooo! Call me Wanda if you will - I 've been called worse, and I ain't divulgin' me real nom, mun. Obscurity et Mon droit.
'you lyin' little I' was inspired by the linguistic,phonetic language you used, however I feeĺ as a suggestion it was a bit careless. Iam gonna be very careful here - but here's what I (think I )know:
Rastafaris refer to eachother as ' I and I ' instead of 'you and I'. This is a mark of respect for the peer, as the use of 'I' in place of 'you' as the pronoun symbolises an equal regard of status between subject and object.
With that in mind and considering the subject matter, that concept became very amusing to me


Shapcott wrote a prose poem called 'Scorpion', it appears in 'Of Mutability' , and Agard is afro- Caribbean but writes in a phonetic style. Check out 'half-caste' and 'english girl eats her first mango'.

Cheers

Wanda

P.s I saw Agard live and he reads 'half-caste' as he stands on one leg. Great performance poetry, u should you tube. I would but this pda would go into meltdown. Enjoy, mun.

[oranggunung]

Ray

Irrespective of inspiration, the finished product is great.

Just wonderful to read.

og

[ray miller]

Thanks, Wanda.I couldn't tell whether your suggested end was an L or an I or what. I see what you get at, I've known a few Rastas, though funnily enough they've all had Brummie accents. Anyway, the line is defunct, Gavin tell his truth.I read a poem by Jo Shapcott recently about Dennis Potter which was good. I'd heard of Agard and I think I've read the mango poem. I shall definitely check out anyone who performs a poem standing on one leg.I can barely stand on two legs when I do mine. Despite which, or maybe because of which, I've been asked to do a support gig for John Cooper Clarke, one of my heroes.Happy days indeed.
And thanks og, always nice to see you around.

[Nash]

I've been asked to do a support gig for John Cooper Clarke, one of my heroes.Happy days indeed.

Blimey Ray, that's a hell of a thing. Congatulations!

[ray miller]

Thanks, Nash, I'm thrilled to bits. However, we went to see JCC last year, he was brilliant, but the support act was a guy billed as a former Poet Laureate of Birmingham and he was absolutely awful, embarrassingly so.Still, at the very worst I get to see JCC for nuffin'.

[Oskar]

I've been asked to do a support gig for John Cooper Clarke, one of my heroes.

Now that's just bloody brilliant. Great news.

[twoleftfeet]

I refuse to be impressed until I see the video evidence of the alleged event!

[ray miller]

Thanks, Oskar.

Geoff. Well, if anyone records it I'll post it up but I'm yet to master mobile phones and cameras.It's not until June.

[Oskar]

I'm yet to master mobile phones and cameras.It's not until June.

Plenty of time to learn then, Ray. Come on, I want to see you in that trilby.

[Suzanne]

Wow that is exciting Ray! Good for you!

[David]

I've been asked to do a support gig for John Cooper Clarke, one of my heroes.

Yes indeed, that is fantastic. Well done, Raymondo!

[Arian]

I've been asked to do a support gig for John Cooper Clarke, one of my heroes.

For what it's worth, not much, I'm impressed too. Good for you, Ray - well done!

peter

[Ros]

Well done, Ray. Sounds like quite a gig to be part of. Perhaps they'll make you laureate of Birmingham on the back of it?

Ros

[Mic]

I enjoyed this hugely Ray. I know nothing (well not much anyway) about the Gav hullabaloo, and it doesn't matter. This poem is just awash with confidence and humour and it has all the poetry elements in it (consistent voice, unobtrusive ryhme, rollicking ryhthm, layout, imagery etc etc). I especially like 'til I shine up de lightin' on me language torch', there are so many bits I particularly like (the ryhme of boo-hisses with pisses, brilliant). But mostly, it all just works. Can't find a thing 'wrong' with it.

Have you performed it yet?

Michaela