Watching Billy in the Sandbox

[Suzanne]

Watching Billy in the Sandbox

And so he comes around again,
his car within a sphere
raced up and down its wooden track,
it's been from there to here.

Each piece was picked with fingered care
then set into a row;
to make a loop in desert sand's
meticulously slow.

Contained within, contained within
a world his hands have made,
where he competes against himself
so wins each game that's played.

My Billy's come around again
his car within a sphere,
rolled up and down his little track
he's raced from there- back here.






.
Some meter/rhyme practice inspired by Pauline who makes it look easy. I think it might be addictive, it certainly has time erasing elements to it.

[JohnLott]

Very Good Suzanne.

Where I get stuck is 2nd line last stanza

It seems to me - and Ros will correct me - that you are relying on 'a' which is normally unstressed, but has to be stressed here. So ‘uh’ becomes ‘ay’ which sounds forced



J.

[Suzanne]

Hmm, that's an interesting point that I had not thought of before. As one with an American accent, I bet I pronounce it the way that seems forced to you. Interesting point though, thanks. Suzanne

[Raisin]

This is lovely, a very good read, I particularly liked the second stanza.

The rhyme doesn't seem forced and works with the subject, also I think the repetition at the end works well.

Only nit is that I'd say it seems like you've repeated "contained within" to fill the syllable count for that first line in the third stanza, otherwise I enjoyed this.

Thanks,

Raisin

[JohnLott]

Yes, American does use different stressing. Difficult.

Oh, I forgot, no apostrophe in desert sand's......... I think.



J.

[Nash]

Hello Suzanne,

I agree with John about that "a" and also about the apostrophe in "sand's".

How come the meter changes in the very last line? You've stressed the first syllable.

....and also, I might be being a bit thick, but why is the car within a sphere?

[Pauline]

Hey Suz,
I'm blushing.
What a nice thing to say.
I really enjoyed your poem.
It reads very smoothly
and you have captured a lovely moment with little Billy.

I gotta tell ya that the first three stanza just flow so sweetly
but the final verse ( to me )
sticks a little on the second and fourth line,
A little tinker with it Suz and you will nail it.

[Suzanne]

Thank you for the replies. I don't know what to say about the "a" . Really, I have to think about that. If it is an American thing or not, I am not sure what I think yet. I shrug. I know it is very insightful though.

The sand IS meticulously slow- therefore sand's.... If it is misread, that is a tough one too. I'll think about changing it.

Why a sphere?

Sphere- Circuit or range of action, knowledge, or influence; compass; province; employment; place of existence. [1913 Webster]

As in "sphere of influence".

And the image of being a round track ....but, of course only in two dimension .

The meter shift? Well, lol, I didn't notice.... I am not very good at it. I sure like to try though.

Thank you for the comments.
Warmly,
Suzanne

[Suzanne]

Thanks Pauline, I will look again in the morning.

See?! I need practice!

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Magpie Jane]

Ahh, the sandbox-race track!
A good one, Suzanne. Congrats on your successful début as a formalist!
I, too, stumbled over your stressed "a" - but I think it could be easily (painlessly?) fixed by using "one" instead.
Charming piece, this.

Jane

[Suzanne]

Thanks, Jane. A debut? I shall throw a party! It is not my first structured poem but I can toast to feeling more and more comfortable about trying.

I have changed the glitching line and the last line as well.
Thank you for the comments.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Mic]

Hi Suzanne,

You've achieved a consistent rhythm and the rhyme is unobtrusive.

But.. but .. but...

I don't like it.

The problem, for me, is that the form dominates the content. Or, rather - and worse! - the form seems somehow 'empty' of content.

This was a good exercise in handling form though. Now the trick is to fill it up with something astonishing and in a way that makes form and content indistinguishable. Easy-peazy!

Mic

[Suzanne]

LOL! I smile, easy, eh? You teaser.

Thanks Mic, I agree, the content was contrived yet dull.
I will try to find something interesting soon. That is the goal.

Thanks Mic, I am glad you liked the meter of it,

Warmly,
Suzanne

[ray miller]

Wouldn't "Each piece is picked" be nicer? But then, piece seems an odd word to use, must be plenty of short slang names for cars - not that I know any.I like the repetition of
contained within - gives it a certain autistic edge.

[Suzanne]

Hi Ray,
Autistic edge? oooh, nice. I like that.
It's a piece of the wooden track. I had a verse about polishing the wood but removed it. Piece would be a silly word to use for a car. I agree.

Thanks for commenting,
Suzanne

[Cooper]

Really enjoyed this Suzanne, it was the title that caught my eye initially.. It's a great piece, honest, the tone is just right and I think the sparse (but not toooo sparse ) style really works.. It's very melancholy, the repeating sound of the 'there' rhyme gives it an eerie edge, like a dream or memory.. Thanks for sharing

[brianedwards]

The title sounds like it could be a euphemism for watching porn, or smoking crack. In my mind at least . . .

Neat little poem, but I too was puzzled by "sphere". Seems unnecessarily complex in an otherwise simple piece.

B.

[Suzanne]

Thanks, Brian. What a person's experiences have been can be reflected in their interpretation. You must have seen movies or heard jargon that reminded you of those images. I am a kindergarten teacher who spends time watching over children in the playground. I didn't get the same link as you did for the title.

About sphere, it came naturally when talking about a boy who throws himself into the present and creates a world within a small space in which his is the king.

This poem has failed in many respects though I think that I got the rhythm down okay.

Mic said it best. It is lacking.
But okay, let's let is disappear and scroll away......

Suzanne

[twoleftfeet]

Hi, Suzanne

I don't have any problem with the rhythm, and I too like the repeat of "contained within" to show how absorbed the child is.
He does sound a bit of a loner.

"Fingered care" doesn't work for me, unless he's choosing the pieces by touch.

Geoff

The children must be really well behaved - in the UK they would be trying to run one another over, pouring water
all over the sand or throwing sand out of the box.

[Suzanne]

Thanks Geoff,
I used the repeat to show intensity, glad you liked it. The fingered came from a verse I left off about sanding the blocks. I guess fingered is a residue. I can see how it seems odd.

Thanks for the reply.
Suzanne