I feel like I’m trapped in a musical,
but it’s one that I’m sure I’ve not seen.
The cast's faces all look quite familiar,
and the locations: all places I’ve been.
But I can’t seem to think what the words are.
As for dance steps I haven’t a clue.
Please somebody show me the way to the wings
as I’m sure that I’m missing my queue.
This was originally longer but I aggree with the comments that the second half didn't quite fit with the first. It perhaps still needs a final stanza to tie it up though. Thanks for the help.
Trapped in a musical
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figure eight
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Last edited by figure eight on Wed Sep 21, 2005 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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BlueForAQuarter
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"don’t get soaked as I mime in the rain."
This line doesn't quite fit for my ear... the rhythm doesn't really match that of the lines before it.
The last stanza feels a bit separate from the rest of the poem. I think you'd need to decide if you want to use the "life as a stage" type theme as you did in the first part of the poem or use the musical references as you did in the last part of the poem throughout. You might want to take the first two stanzas and complete those thoughts and use the ideas in the final two for something else. Good effort, though.
This line doesn't quite fit for my ear... the rhythm doesn't really match that of the lines before it.
The last stanza feels a bit separate from the rest of the poem. I think you'd need to decide if you want to use the "life as a stage" type theme as you did in the first part of the poem or use the musical references as you did in the last part of the poem throughout. You might want to take the first two stanzas and complete those thoughts and use the ideas in the final two for something else. Good effort, though.
I think this is a great idea; I like the wry tone and you've definitely picked the right meter. Some of the dactyls are just a bit bent for my liking - more lines like 7 and fewer like 14 maybe - but it works OK. I agree with BFaQ that the first, "life as a stage", part of the poem seems slightly diconnected from the use of more playful, punning musical references in the second half. I think what's missing might be a bit more development of your theme, rather than basically restating the title of the poem. Maybe all you need is a fifth, conclusive stanza, to lasso the other four and tie them together. It's a fun poem, though - well worth keeping on at.