Poetry Forum

F8,

I love that you stayed true to the villanelle form, maintaining the aba all the way through. Too often the stanzas only rhyme unto themselves.

A touch archaic though, unless inn'cent and 'neath were typos. To my knowledge villanelles do not require a specific meter or syllalble count, so why do that?

Anywho.

Cheers,

Bombadil

Hi BFaQ. You've got some neat imagery here. Each stanza contributes with equal strength. And like Bombadil says, it's a pretty successful villanelle - it's pleasing to the ear and it doesn't jar or grate. Of course you don't <i>need</i> a specific metre, but it's nice to have a solid iambic framework like you've got here. There were two things that stuck out to me:

- most important, the refrain lines seem disconnected from the rest of the poem. I think what distinguishes a great villanelle, and makes it so difficult to write, is that most, if not all, of the refrains work in context with the lines around them. If you're using a lot of periods and brackets that's an indication that the lines aren't interweaving very well. Most accepted "great" villanelles achieve this: one of my favourites is Auden's <i>Villanelle</i>.

- the tone of the language is a little inconsistent. For example, the first refrain line, "Found out..." sounds very contemporary. Omitting the object of the line, i.e. "I", "we", "he", "she" is something you hear a lot in speech and in pop music. The same goes for the abbreviated "'Cause". But elsewhere - the elision in "inn'cent" and the reversed syntax in lines 2 and 5, for example - you use a slightly archaic tone. Overall this makes the poem come across as having been bashed a little too hard in order to fit the iambic. My preference would be to edit out the old-sounding stuff and outfit it in totally modern clobber.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Villanelles are absolute buggers to do well and this one is better than most, I reckon.

You agreed with me on something?

"You like me! You really like me!"

My God, I did? What was I thinking?

gone off your crumpet, there laddie.

I was taught villanelles are to be in iambic pentameter. D. Thomas' (I always forget the title) and "Mad Girl's Love Song" are both written that way.


"Look like the inn‘cent flower she will say;
But she's the serpent ‘neath it all the while."

Those two lines actually allude to the Shakespeare quote. I'm not sure how to indicate that outside of the poem...

"Look like the inn‘cent flower she will say;
But she's the serpent ‘neath it all the while."

Those two lines actually allude to the Shakespeare quote. I'm not sure how to indicate that outside of the poem...

If they serve a purpose, I say keep em.

My question is on the meaning of the first line. Just to make sure I understand you -

"Found out, the girl will blush and turn away"

Should that be "once found out" or "I found out" or "he found out"...?

Sorry I can be dense sometimes. And props for keeping to the form - annoying sometimes is it not?

- Caleb

This is one of the most effective villanelles I have read on this site. Exceptional work, blueQ. I wasn't under the impression meter was needed, either, but It doesn't detract anything form the overall work. My suggestion, which has already been said, is to lose the 'inn‘cent' and the 'neath'.

Cheers,
.tg.

Caleb-

I think it's more "once found out"... I've thought about your question and can't really figure out how to better answer that. "Discovered" maybe? I feel like I'm trying to find a synonym for orange here.

And yes, the form is difficult. I obviously haven't mastered it yet, but I think I'm getting better. Thanks to you and everyone else for the comments.