girl in snow

[Aryys]

k heres a more contempary attempt for you to mull over please enjoy, or not, the choice is yours

stumbling through white
cold fingers
blue eyes
cheeks raw and pink
falling feathers of ice
laying on a fur mantle
warm breath
escaping in clouds
pale lips tainted blue
a girl in snow

[pseud]

hmmph. Well I am not one for list poetry, normally; I do, however, like the images presented here, I think they would make a good haiku or string of haikus with the same effect, or something more substantially fleshed out. It's up to you though.

- Caleb

[Bombadil]

My only niggle: it sounds like she's dead, not just chilly.

[*Sticks2UrFace*]

Simple yet affective. This definately brings back memories from when I was child.
I enjoy how you have just lifted the senses of a child in an atmosphere in which is mysterious and perhaps dangerous.

"warm breath" and "cheeks raw and pink" immediately make me remember the feeling of intense coldness.

I do really like this mainly for the nostalgia (hopefully I have spelt that right, lol) and also the fact it's quick and automatically gives you the image.

Sorry if this is bad critique, this is my first review on this website.

[that girl]

Yes Keith, the "warm breath" reminded me of death too. psh.

Not much to say, just a quick "good job".

...I think this one could work well with a plot, maybe adding action?

.tg.

[Bombadil]

psh, indeed. the warm breath did escape did it not.

the ice queen died
on a noon sleigh ride
and everyone wondered
how her head became sundered
but no one seemed to care
that her open neck was letting out the bought air.

[k-j]

I think this one could work well with a plot, maybe adding action?

Noo! It's an image - no plot required!

I think this is quite nicely done - if anything I'd pare it down further:

stumbling through white
cold fingers
blue eyes
cheeks pink
ice-feathers
on a fur mantle
breath
escaping in clouds
pale lips tinted blue
a girl in snow

See what I mean? That the cheeks are pink implies that they're raw. The ice-feathers don't need to be "laying" on a fur mantle. The breath must be warm if it's escaping in clouds. The image stands alone!

[Aryys]

thanks for the reviews guys and gals

like your ideas kj, will bear it in mind point well taken

have to say bombadil raises a good point, one i was indeed worried about

it was all about imagery, sticks picked up on what i was trying to convey, i think my head was on that kinda thought train when i got all inspired it definatly plays on old experiences of cold winter days, not that i have ever been a "girl" in the snow ( usually a boy in snow but hey)