Fishing

[camus]

The pond seemed glacial
the morning sullen, bored.
Not a reed or blade or branch
swayed.

I stood, half-huge against
the bank side,
craving cornucopia;
urging life.

A distant train’s rattle caused
an ephemeral sadness...
I rejoiced as a globe of air surfaced
echoing its explosion.

Seismic sounds on still mornings.

[Arian]

Very good. Captures that exaggerated, almost surreal sense of oneself that we all have from time to time, very neatly.

All of s1 is excellent, but...

the morning sullen, bored.

is outstanding. Exactly right for the piece.

And the idea of being half-huge is another tellingly accurate phrase.

Nits? Who needs 'em?

Cheers
peter

[Oskar]

Excellent S1.

I think craving cornucopia is a little too loud, in amongst the subtle phrasing that surrounds it.

Your last line doesn’t quite do it for me either.

Lovely stuff though. You at your best – beside water.

[camus]

Thanks guys.

Oskar,

I think craving cornucopia is a little too loud, in amongst the subtle phrasing that surrounds it.

Yes I think you're correct. I'd altered that line 3 times, still not right is it? OK.

Your last line doesn’t quite do it for me either.

I like that line, it sums up what I wanted it to. That said, it seems tacked on as a last minute thought. I think I need to integrate it a little better.

Good stuff, appreciated.
Kris

[Conal]

Just a few minor thoughts on this, but like the simplicity and stillness you evoke.


pond seems slightly 'small' - lake or sea perhaps to give it a wider feel?
the morning sullen, bored. - the image here doesn't work for me - might be morning, which is more to do with time rather than mind
I stood, half-huge against - not sure how you can be half huge?
Seismic sounds on still mornings. you have used morning again so refer back to previous comment

[camus]

Thanks for visiting Conal.

pond seems slightly 'small' - lake or sea perhaps to give it a wider feel?

I'd rather not give it a wider feel if at all possible. It is what it is really.

the morning sullen, bored. - the image here doesn't work for me - might be morning, which is more to do with time rather than mind

I see what you mean, but the poetic device of personification comes into play right there.

I stood, half-huge against - not sure how you can be half huge?

Well I'll refer back to Arian's neat summary - "almost surreal sense of oneself that we all have from time to time,"

Seismic sounds on still mornings. you have used morning again so refer back to previous comment

Indeed an unecessary repetition perhaps, I'll think about that.

Ta
Kris

[Nash]

Yes, I like this one Kris, especially S1.

I agree with Oskar about 'craving cornucopia', excellent word 'cornucopia', but it does sound a little harsh here. How about 'abundance', might work better sonically?

Cheers,
Nash.

[Elphin]

Kris

I am not around so much these days so hopefully not too rude of me coming in with a negative crit on this.

Sullen morning/glacial pond and distant train seem to lack a little freshness for me and ephemeral sadness sounds overly poetic. Now strip these away and what is left is much sharper.

Not a reed or blade or branch
swayed.

I stood, half-huge against
the bank side,
craving cornucopia;
urging life.

I rejoiced as a globe of air surfaced

A seismic sound on a still morning.

Cheers

Elph

[JohnLott]

What does this have to do with fishing - I ask myself?

Some of your phrases seem out of place but I can relate to the tone.

I rejoiced as a globe of air surfaced
echoing its explosion.

Seismic sounds on still mornings.

This I can't relate to - sorry

J.

[brianedwards]

As I am reading it, the ordinariness of the descriptions (clichéd as Elph might have it) are deliberate, setting up the euphoria of the "globe of air" and "seismic sounds". Not a bad idea, though not in itself wholly original and terribly difficult to pull off. Where it falls short, for me, is in the last few lines. Sonically there is nothing startling enough to offset the mundaneness that has preceded. Seismic sounds may sound, in literal terms, quite grand and prophetic, but as a poetic description it's not particularly interesting or, well, seismic . . . quite flat in fact. Perhaps the last two lines should be more onomatopoeic? Not too much though, of course. Something subtle. Dunno. You figure it out poet-man.

B.

[camus]

Quite a mixed bag of reactions here, which is mighty fine.

Elph - see Brian's post. Lazy I know, and of course any crit (if honest) is welcomed. I'm a massive fan of the simplest language, personally I think the simple language I used didn't fall into the "tired" category, it was finely tuned, honestly! "ephemeral sadness" overly poetic? Could be!

Nash - yes I agree abundance could be a good alternative, but then I'd have to change "this and that" where does one stop with re-writes based on crit?

John Lott - I'm guessing you're not a fisherman?

What does this have to do with fishing - I ask myself?

To be obtuse, it has nothing to do with fishing, but at the same time everything. If you have ever stood on a bank side at 5 or 6 in the morning when the stillness is meditative, palpable, when you know those carp are going to start biting within minutes, when you've spent all night gearing up for this moment, with a beer or three, only then can you understand the "rejoice as a globe of air surfaced"

On that note Brian, yes, I reckon some onomatopoeia would go down nicely.

Alas I've spent too much time defending, not good practice... Thanks all.

John (bloody great at fishing) wilson

[penguin]

I'd like "the morning bored sullen" myself, as in bored silly, but not.I can't help but wonder at the size of the pond and wonder if it wouldn't be simpler just to wade in.

A distant train’s rattle caused
an ephemeral sadness...
I rejoiced as a globe of air surfaced
echoing its explosion.

I didn't like the ephemeral sadness, either. Maybe you could break it up

A distant train's rattle
a globe of air surfaced
echoing explosion

I like the last line

[Lu59]

Hi camus
I go coarse fishing with my husband (he fishes, I read or write and wield the landing net!) so I am familiar with the scene about which you have written.

I think ‘lake’ would work better than pond, but I fully understand ‘glacial’, as in calm, unrippled.

Half-huge is good, if I’m right in that it’s describing the way you feel you want to fold in on yourself incase you spook the fish. I don’t think cornucopia works in this context, either, but ‘urging life is excellent (only a fisherman would know that inner “come on…for ****s sake, come on”!)

The distant train’s rattle…yes, I can visualise how it is just you, the lake, the sound of the train – makes you feel kind of alone, ‘an ephemeral sadness’.

I’m with you on the globe of air – cause for rejoicing, indeed!
The closing line works for me.