Poetry Forum

Posted: **Thu Sep 29, 2005 8:20 am**

Hi Arcadian,

I really enjoyed that. Love the imagery, particularly liked

Barely awake, eyes see
stirring in the fire
a war-dance of hungry fire-demons;
with red faces and yellow striped masks
pulsating in a circle to beat of tom-toms.

Sleep steps in the fray
with armaments of heavy gravity
and a soft eider-down sleeping bag,
to usurp victory right from the demons nose

Excellent. Keep it up.

Rach

Posted: **Thu Sep 29, 2005 8:30 am**

Hi Rach,

thanks for the feedback

what i tried to show in this is with sleep deprivation and hunger - the mind plays funny games - you start to see things ...maybe this is good for writing
and one way to have an active imagination and get that manuscript completed on time ...

though i wouldnt recommend it - LOL

cheers

Arco

Posted: **Thu Sep 29, 2005 6:20 pm**

Hi Arco,

You're welcome. Yeah the brain is a very strange and powerful thing. Dont worry I wont be depriving myself of sleep though just to improve my poetry. hehehe.

Rach

Posted: **Thu Sep 29, 2005 7:11 pm**

I've heard sleep deprivation does work for some. But my stuff isn't really legible or interpretable in the wee hours of the morn...

Posted: **Fri Sep 30, 2005 2:08 pm**

I like this a lot. I went camping quite a bit as a child, so this brings back some fond memories.

One thing... could "Sleep steps in the fray" be better with "into" instead of "in"?

Otherwise, very excellent. Nice job.

Posted: **Sat Oct 01, 2005 1:29 am**

BFAQ,

thanks a lot - nice pick up

I've made the change

Arco

PS - sorry i missed cirtiquing your excellent villanelle in pentameter - well done BFAQ

Posted: **Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:27 pm**

Thanks Cade

Posted: **Sun Oct 09, 2005 12:42 am**

BFAQ

I forgot to mention in the poem there is a: " Cynghanedd Sain" - I wasnt aware of this until it was pointed out by a friend

I was reading about the 24 Welsh forms recently and was thinking about these patterns not realising i had one in there.

Arco

Posted: **Sun Oct 09, 2005 10:16 pm**

Arco -

Nice job here, as the others have said as well. The third person view is detached and a good set up.

I wonder, though, if it wouldn't work a little better to have hunger and sleep as players "stepping into the fray?"

Oh - and let me just preface this next comment with, I know its a crappy critique - but the number of demons threw me off. I couldn't tell if it was intentional or accidental. Are there many hungry fire demons, or just one like at the end?

Be well,
Caleb

Posted: **Mon Oct 10, 2005 5:04 pm**

I know nothing about Welsh forms. I feel lucky I remember the little bit I do from high school...

I'll have to do some reading on it.