Poetry Forum

Hi everyone,

I've just joined the forum - here's my first poem.

Any comments welcome:)

Amber


There were no semaphores
that could have warned me
how your your moods would swing
like arpeggios, or love become
a word to be weaned off.

Did you know that at night
I sleep-walk tightropes, I dream
random mutilations and
chanticleers parading, that I watch
the sky capsizing?

We stay stalled at amber.
Worse: we drown in amber,
preserving nothing, till the words we speak
only allude like scars to this
conspiracy of invisibilities.

Welcome lemur, a strong first post.

There's lots to notice in this one. I thought the first stanza was pretty clear-cut and easy to understand. Stanza 2 didn't seem to have the purpose the first one did...or if it did, I missed it. Maybe that is a missed opportunity for something. I liked "allude like scars" in the final stanza, too.

I wonder about words like "chanticleers" "semaphores" etc, though. Do you really use those words in every day speech? I had to look them up.

- Caleb

Indeed a strong first post.

Welcome from the grumpy grizzly.

Post more.

Cheers,

Bombadil

Hi,

Thanks for your comments. I wasn't entirely happy with the second stanza either so I've changed it - here's the new version:


Amber

There were no semaphores
that could have warned me
how your moods would swing
like arpeggios, or love become
a word to be weaned off.

I asked for an amulet
that could ward off curses
and paradoxes. It blinds me daily,
a sun too long looked at,
a sick conflagration.

We stay stalled at amber.
Worse: we drown in amber,
preserving nothing, till the words we speak
only allude like scars to this
conspiracy of invisibilities.



What do you think - does this read better?

Lemur,

Fine poem in form, construction and quirkiness, loved it.

That said what is amber, how can you stall at it? Is it symbolic? I missed that.

Who did you ask for an amulet?

Also not sure how scars can allude to conspiracies?

It seems this poem is of 2 worlds and should have been kept to one.

Hopefully your explanations will reveal my idiocy.

All said I enjoyed it.

cheers
Kris

Hi,

Thanks - the stalling at amber refers to the semaphores/traffic lights in the first line - the idea is the relationship is stalled, not going anywhere. It's the words that allude like scars - the idea of skirting around the subject, not speaking clearly about the problem - I was thinking of the way scars allude back to an injury.

The person I asked for the amulet (imagine an amber one!) could either be the other person in the relationship or else some nondescript deity who might be able to help.

Sounds a bit dodgy now explained like this...

"the stalling at amber refers to the semaphores/traffic lights in the first line"

Ah I see, makes more sense to me now, my fault for not understanding what semaphore actually meant, DOH!

Although that begs the question how do you drown in amber? nah forget it, lol.

enjoyable poem anyhow.

Kris:

Amber comes from the hardened sap of trees. Paleontologists and geologists study prehistoric amber and the insects and other life forms (and their DNA) that have been petrified within amber (they got stuck there millions years ago and were preserved when the sap hardened into amber.)

So, in relation to the poem, stopped at yellow stoplight, but actually stuck in some sap that's going to harden and trap forever and ever (but not preserved, because the poem says they're preserving nothing).

Not that you wanted such a babblicious explanation, but I'm bored.

Yes Yes,

I've seen Jurassic Park.

Just me being thick.

thanks
Kris

Everything I know I've learned from the movies. Excellent.