New Digs

[OwenEdwards]

Version 1.5

Durham, Michaelmas Term 2011

October is preserved
in amber syrup,
the wind passes mute,
the garden empty
and my fork lances the loam,
a trinity of tunnels
appearing in dim relief.

I heft it; the earth trembles
and the mud tumbles out,
the resident weeds
launching from the path abruptly,
stamping letters to the Mail
as they go.

Squads of scar-white worms
blink up,
the little gypsies
my co-workers,
retching the earth ready
for winter.

I look round to the lawn:
countless apple fragments
dot the jungled grass,
spread and cleaved like snacks
for a troll's lunchbox,
redolent of English Willow
on Indian days.

Back to work.
The first bed will do for
parsnips and onions,
maybe sprouts.
I'll sow broad and wise
this winter.

Version 1

Durham, Michaelmas Term 2011

October is preserved
in amber light
the wind watches mute
the garden empty
and my fork lances the loam
a trinity of tunnels
appearing in dim relief.

I heft it; the earth trembles,
Mister Richter records,
and the mud tumbles out,
the resident weeds
launching from the path abruptly,
stamping letters to the Mail
as they go.

Countless scar-white worms
blink up,
the little gypsies
my co-workers,
retching the earth ready
for winter.

I look round to the lawn:
countless apple fragments,
spread and cleaved like snacks
for a troll's lunchbox,
dot the jungled grass,
resonant of English Willow
on Indian days.

Back to work.
The first bed will do for
parsnips and onions,
maybe sprouts (yuck!).
We'll sow deep and wise
this winter.

[k-j]

Really enjoyed this. Not too keen on the punning title though; I think you should just use the bit you have in bold.

"Amber light" isn't that exciting. I mean I've heard it plenty of times before. I would prefer some punctuation in S1. Don't really like the wind watching mute, either. Oughtn't wind to pass, not stop and watch, and make a sound as it does so?

"Lances the loam / a trinity of tunnels" is great.

Not sure about the jocular "Mister Richter". I quite like the indignant Daily Mail reading weeds but "the Mail" may be lost on many readers.

Then it gets better. The worms are lovely. The last two stanzas are excellent. The only off note is "countless" which is very bland. I love the "troll's lunchbox" (fnarr) and the jungled grass. I think "redolent" is much more apposite here than "resonant". Last verse just splendid.

[Arian]

A pleasant enough read, Owen, with some nice phrases, my favourite of which is probably the worms "...retching the earth".

I'm not entirely sure the piece talks to me, though - imparts any any new insight, or presents a familiar thing in a new way. Whcih - personally - I like poetry to do. Old-fashioned, probably.

Still, as an exercise in descriptive verse, I quite like it.

One nit - for me, "yuck!" is the language of the Topper, or the Beezer, or the Beano. It degrades the whole piece.

Cheers
peter

[ray miller]

I like the title and most of the poem. It does seem odd that you've no punctuation in the opening verse when the rest does. What can you be saying?
A trinity of tunnels is very good, as is scar-white worms. Why gypsies?
The 2nd verse left me cold.
I'd prefer "dot the jungled grass" to inhabit the line after apple fragments. A nice verse anyway.

[OwenEdwards]

Cheers for the comments chaps. I'll consider the first verse's punctuational asceticism.

k-j: I agree with most of your points - good pick-up on redolent especially. I'll change that, "light" and "countless" in the next draft.

Peter: I wondered about "yuck!" - I'm torn, because half of me agrees with you and half of me thinks it sounds right when read out loud. Sorry it didn't speak to you - poetry can be a YMMV thing. I find I write the sort of poems (thematically) I like to read - that is, on topics that are resonant with me, topics that interest me, etc. (I like some topics I don't write about, of course, and never with the skill of the masters - but you get my point). Thanks for the response.

Ray: Gypsies due to the Dale Farm crisis raging when I first wrote this, I imagine. I think you're right about the jungled grass line - good call.

Any more for any more?

[albatross]

The punning title and mention of 'Michaelmas Term' made me think this was going to be about 'crazy' student antics, owen, but what we get is something closer to Heaney's famous 'Digging'. However, while Heaney deals with issues of paternal relationships, masculinity, labour and art, and so on, 'New Digs' just seems to be about digging the garden.

I enjoyed the image in the opening lines, which evokes pre-historic insects trapped in amber. However, the syntax of the rest of the stanza is a bit odd and disjointed, which can work well, but not here as the poem is more conversational in tone. I'd suggest writing more complete sentences with enjambment; the lines here are separate syntactic units which need the glue of conjunctions or adverbials to maintain the flow.

I thought the main issue with the poem is the lack of a consistent tone and register, which is what others have picked up on – I didn't like the empty moralizing of the mention of the weeds 'stamping letters to the Mail'; 'Mister Richter'; 'troll's lunchbox'; 'yuck!', etc. Although I did like the 'English willow | on Indian days' – very nice, and it's clear you can write inventively, you just need to develop a stronger 'editorial' side to reading your own work as you write and make sure all your images are as strong.

[OwenEdwards]

The punning title and mention of 'Michaelmas Term' made me think this was going to be about 'crazy' student antics, owen,

Ah, you want Keats' "Women, Wine and Snuff" for that.

but what we get is something closer to Heaney's famous 'Digging'. However, while Heaney deals with issues of paternal relationships, masculinity, labour and art, and so on, 'New Digs' just seems to be about digging the garden.

You have it! Or very nearly, anyway. But even a slighting comparison to Heaney is a compliment of a sort.

But in all seriousness, thankyou for the detailed and insightful (and inciteful) critique; it's food for thought. Welcome to the board!

[Antcliff]

Hi Owen

Nowt wrong with a straightforward garden poem. I like the troll's lunchbox, gives it whimsy, which is something I like.

"Lances the loam" is a little odd. Role of lance is largely to knock off rather than spear (...but I may well be wrong..perhaps I am thinking of jousting tournaments..) so I am not quite sure what you have in mind. Why the military aspect?

On behalf of jungles everywhere I have to wonder whether the grass is jungled. High grass, old style prairie, but jungle? What kind of grass have they got going in Durham? Seems a slightly lazy choice. As soon as anything gets overgrown people start talking about jungles, so the word is not too helpful.

Did the earth really tremble for you? Some lance.

Last line is also a tad obscure. Wise, yes, who would wish for less wisdom. But deep? You might not be referring to veg. If you are, why deep? (Gardeners will be puzzled). It could be that you are hoping for greater depth and wisdom generally and closing with the comparison with the garden case..dig deep/wisely both in garden and in life. Fine. Then I understand the depth reference, but the comparison seems strained because sowing deep is not such a good thing usually in a vegetable garden.

I like the troll/apple fragments section, but on the whole the poem feels as if it is not quite as yet sure about what it wants to be and so a lot is thrown in just in case...like mister richter.
cheers
Ant

[OwenEdwards]

Thanks for the close read Ant, some perceptive comments in there. One lances a boil, does one not? I've also kept jungled, because that's how it struck me (ie not like a prairie) - but I take your point, and perhaps that'll change in future.

A new version is up, with mostly minor changes (Mister Richter has been evicted!).