Poetry Forum

Buddha, decapitated and neatly
mantled peers at my navel.

Two years to notice the absurdity
of which she likes to call decor.

Take Christ, who with open arms
is nailed upon a canvas and hung above our bed.

Or what of Kitchen Elvis, face smeared
with spat bacon fat. Forever flashing

his million dollar grin at the photo clad fridge.
Even death has its place on the shelf-

Each new year’s eve we leave
sherry and cigarettes beside

the sand-stone urn. Cupboards
of yesteryear clothes, the office

under the stairs, nothing escapes
the interior design of your mind

Yet Che stays, exiled in the dark lands
of an attic, as Buddha remains, observing

the long glorious arc of my piss.



Original

Buddha, decapitated and neatly
mantled peers at my navel.

Two years to notice the absurdity
of which she likes to call decor.

Take Christ, who with open arms
is nailed upon a canvas and hung above our bed.

Or what of Kitchen Elvis, face smeared
with spat bacon fat. Forever flashing

his million dollar grin at the photo clad fridge.
Even death has its place on the shelf,

Each new year’s eve we leave
sherry and cigarettes beside

the sand-stone urn. Yesteryear
clothes cupboards, under-the-stairs office

do not escape the interior design
of your mind. Yet Che stays exiled in the dark lands

of an attic, as Buddha remains, observing
the long glorious arc of my piss.

The title is full of expectation.

Alas, you don't deliver on any level, in fact it's almost offensive.

Christ, Buddha, Elvis, Che, what about them?

If I was pissed like Brian I'd say FUCK OFF with this nonsense.

Luckily I'm not, so I'd say, you've taken too much on here mannnnnnnnnnnnnn.

cheers
Kris

I like this very much. Lots of great pictures and you maintain the defeatism throughout. Lines 3 and 4 are very good – a drunken note to self? Che exiled in the loft is to be savoured.

Christ, Buddha, Elvis, Che, what about them?

Well how about, for some happy shoppers, they’re just trendy brands. Nothing more. Faces to be put on mugs, posters, t-shirts, cushion covers – you name it. Isn’t that the point? Or, at least, part of what’s being said here?

frozenly, in line 2, is awkward, I think.

door-stopping the books – poeticism.

Not yesteryear / clothes cupboards nor under-the-stairs office

Not yesteryear and nor should go, I think.

Pissing on, or even near, a decapitated Dunelm Buddha in your own toilet isn’t a self-conscious political statement IMHO. It’s just pissing.

Excellent last line.

Enjoyed. Good one.

I like this one a lot too, probably my favourite of yours that I've seen here.

Some good advise from Oskar there, I'll add to that about the line "sherry and cigarettes we'd leave beside". It seems a bit inverted to me, why not just "we'd leave sherry and cigarettes beside".

And the punctuation and capitals need some attention.

Nice one,
Nash.

Hello Donegal

I think this works pretty well as a poke at icons and the owner of the icons. The problem for me is the title - I can see how that set Kris off down a road because really its not about "considering Buddha" it's about these other things and about the narrator. So for me another title please.

Nit picking - the two remains so closely together at the end jar. Also would it be absurdity of which or absurdity of what.

Oh and I like the tempo in which it is written

Cheers elph

Hi Cris

camus wrote:Alas, you don't deliver on any level, in fact it's almost offensive.

Christ, Buddha, Elvis, Che, what about them?

If I was pissed like Brian I'd say FUCK OFF with this nonsense.

Nash wrote:Christ, Buddha, Elvis, Che, what about them?

Well how about, for some happy shoppers, they’re just trendy brands. Nothing more. Faces to be put on mugs, posters, t-shirts, cushion covers – you name it. Isn’t that the point? Or, at least, part of what’s being said here?

Oskar has saved me from having to explain myself.

Not all poems work for all people and this one does not seemed to have worked for you. Maybe you have taken it personally.... do you dig Buddhism and Che by any chance. Anyhow, thanks for the read.

Oskar

thanks for the sound advice, will you it to good effect.

Nash wrote:Some good advise from Oskar there, I'll add to that about the line "sherry and cigarettes we'd leave beside". It seems a bit inverted to me, why not just "we'd leave sherry and cigarettes beside".

And the punctuation and capitals need some attention.

Yep, will change the inverted line about the sherry and stuff, It seems silly now, not sure why I wrote it in that order.

and yes, as always with my work, the punctuation etc needs much attention.... will work on this too.

Thanks all for your feedback.

Best Regards

Vincent

Elphin wrote:The problem for me is the title - I can see how that set Kris off down a road because really its not about "considering Buddha" it's about these other things and about the narrator. So for me another title please.

Thanks for the input Elphin.

Here is how the title cam about, I was having a piss in the toilet, on the toilet's water tank is the head of Buddha put their by my girlfriend... I looked at it looking at me and started to think about the things we have the house which we buy for cosmetic reasons and not because we believe it what they have to say or what they represent... like Buddha for example, my girl has no real idea about the Buddha, and has not time for Christ either but there he is above our bed... she does not like Elvis either, but likes the look of him in that picture. So that's how the title came about.... I personally like the title, which is not something

Elphin wrote:Nit picking - the two remains so closely together at the end jar. Also would it be absurdity of which or absurdity of what.

I can always say about my work So, for now, I think i will keep it... plus it's sometimes nice to piss people off!!!

I think you might be right there, so thanks, will look into changing this.

Many thanks for the read and advice.

Best Regards

Vincent

Yes, yes, terrible post by me, of no help whatsoever.

I will try and collate my thoughts and get back to you.

Good fun. Those icons deserve what you gave 'em.

One nit: S8, L1: shouldn't that be "escape?" (without the "d")

I think it might be humorous to seat the Buddha on the water tank at the beginning of the poem if you can work it in. As is, the "mantled" calls up the image of a fireplace where the Buddha is, and that doesn't seem to be what you want. (You could be considering the Buddha "mantled" in the living room while pissing in the bathroom, eh?)

I assume you are sliding in the one figure N thinks of value, Che in the attic. A good trick.

I do have one question. Why all the making fun of icons while you glorify the arc of your piss? Hmmmm.

Inky wrote: do have one question. Why all the making fun of icons while you glorify the arc of your piss? Hmmmm.

The icons are hers

this piss is mine.

do you dig Buddhism and Che by any chance

Absolutely. In fact buddhism saved my life, or at least the communal meditation side of it. And Che, well, I have a zippo with him on, so you know, I'm serious about these icons.

There are three sides to this coin. 1) The age old problem of familiarity breeding contempt. 2) The fake people who I believe your poem describes, worshipping these icons for no particular reason other than iconography. 3) The cynical observers who like the fakers, haven't really a clue about these icons, but are happy to attack anyone who may show interest in these inspirational beings.

So yeh I guess I mistook the tone of your poem for No3, when it was perhaps No2 all along...

Hey ho.

cheers
Kris

donegalpirate wrote: The icons are hers
this piss is mine.

A humorous aggrandizer at any rate.

camus wrote:I mistook the tone of your poem for No3, when it was perhaps No2 all along...

But Kris, is that relevant? Do you have to agree with the message of a poem before you can admire the skill of the poet?

Anyway, like nash, it's in my view one of the best from this member that I've seen. Nice sense of irony, good images, a couple of excellent lines.

This sequence

Yesteryear
clothes cupboards, under-the-stairs office

do not escaped the interior design
of your mind.

is a bit of a mess, I'd say, but it can be quite easily un-messed.

Nicely done
peter

Thanks Peter.

I have tried to un-mess the lines you mentioned... I think they are an improvement.

As a result however, the last line now stands on its own, rather than in the couplet... not sure if it puts to much attention on that line... any thoughts...?

Best Regards

Vincent

Hi, Vincent

Like Chris I was entirely misled by the title, but I like to indulge in such deceptions myself as a poet and enjoy being misdirected as a reader.
So that's a thumbs up for the title from me.

The last line
the long glorious arc of my piss.

- is actually quite "Buddhist".
Or if you have no time for religion but are a lover of Science (the new religion) then you can contemplate the
underlying mathematical and biological truths that predict the urine's trajectory and V's unerring aim (I hope).
I've seen Hindu pictures portraying religious figures &/or events where sometimes in an obscure part of the picture you see a glowing turd. (I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions).

Is it
Two years to notice the absurdity
of which she likes to call decor.
or
Two years to notice the absurdity
of what she likes to call decor. ?

Much enjoyed
Geoff

Yes, better. But - for me - not quite there. Perhaps a more, er, conventional use of punctuation might help the reader keep his footing.

Thus:

his million dollar grin at the photo clad fridge.
Even death has its place on the shelf -

each new year’s eve we leave
sherry and cigarettes beside

the sand-stone urn. Cupboards
of yesteryear clothes, the office

under the stairs: nothing escapes
the interior design of your mind.

Yet Che stays, exiled in the dark lands
of an attic, as Buddha remains, observing


Small changes, but big differences. That's poetry for you: symbolic of Life.

cheers
peter