Poetry Forum

Hey, this is the first poem i've posted on here. it's actually a song. what do you think?

Kinky

Smiles I save for suckers
and I’m smilin’ at you now.
What do you think I’m thinking?
‘cause I’m smilin’ at you now.
Backwardize addition
but I’m laughin’ at you now
excess malnutrition
I’m so hungry for you now

You compliment the figure of the moon
Your legs are strumming this narcotic chord
You smile when my singin’s out of tune
you’re happy when I’m not right with the lord

Here’s your plastic angle
and she’s stranded on the ground
Someone clipped her wings
so now she’s stapled to the ground
falsified responses
all begin to come around
you’re still so self-conscious
as you listen to the ground

You compliment the figure of the moon
Your legs are strumming this narcotic chord
You smile when my singin’s out of tune
you’re happy when I’m not right with the lord


Take some time for thinking
turn it up inside your soul
take some time for drinking
turn it up inside your soul
anger gets to ride you
when you get out of control
darkness seems to find you
as you’re swallowing me whole

Good first post. I thought the conclusion is a bit cliched - but i've been massively overexposed to cliches by certain other poets on this forum recently, so i'm probably hypersensitive at the moment. i liked the originality and dark playfulness in this.

thanks.
cliche? i guess you could say it. i'm high/drunk... "drigh" on absinth right now. it's all good. really, i did cliche it on purpose in a few places. some play on words, i play on cliches. but thanks for the comment.

It's good that is.Put me in mind of a Nirvana song..can't think which one now.Not too sure about the chorusy stanza though..'narcotic chords and all that..' Seems a bit sixth form to me...If you were blasted on Absinthe when you wrote this shouldn't it have had a few more Godly references and suchlike?..
Also, for some reason your little pic under your name has a wonderful Japanesey feel to it...(oh no..wot am i talkin about?? sorry I'm blasted on meths.)

yeah I agree with dill, the last three lines seem to lack the creativity of all that comes before it.

Good to see yet another poem that makes good use of rhyme and repetition...I can see the song in it. Well done.

- Caleb

Thanks for the comments. i was blasted on absinth when i posted my reply. when i wrote the song i was stoned. the chorus does indeed lack something, but i've tried a number of times to rectify it and it gets worse every time so i decided to leave it be. right now, i am, strangely, sober and feeling queerly out of touch with reality.