Poetry Forum

lying in the bath
brushing his teeth
walking up the hill
shaving his beard off
seeking enlightenment
flying into a rage sometimes
making fun of my suggestibility
explaining the word cunt to me
sculpting an E.T. mask from clay
writing a screenplay in his pyjamas
washing a teaspoon with his fingers
doing up his maroon dressing gown
singing ‘Maria’ from West Side Story
tape-recording rows with Mum secretly
filming us play Grandmother’s Footsteps
peeling an orange, handing out a segment each
driving the Land Rover, us all tumbled in quilts
eating a whole bar of chocolate in just three bites
holding my hand, little finger hooked around the back
leaving




'concrete' version

lying in the bath
brushing his teeth
walking. up the. hill
shaving .his. beard off
seeking ....enlightenment
flying into a rage sometimes
making fun of my suggestibility
explaining .the word .cunt to me
sculpting .an .E.T. mask .from clay
writing a .screenplay in his. pyjamas
washing a .teaspoon .with .his fingers
doing. up .his .maroon ..dressing. gown
singing.. Maria .from. West. Side ..Story
tape-recording .rows .with .mum, secretly
filming ..us .play. Grandmother’s.. Footsteps
peeling an orange, handing out a segment each
driving .the Land Rover, us all. tumbled in quilts
eating a whole bar of .chocolate in just three bites
holding my hand, little finger hooked around the back
leaving





(Back to original title after trying 'Doing words' which I don't think works so well)

Hi
I liked the old title better.
Ant

Quite an effective word portrait, I think, Mic, made from a judicious and entertaining choice of his idiosyncrasies. If that's the intention, I guess it works, though - personally - I don't find the expression itslef especially inventive or enjoyable. But not all good poems need that, I guess.

Oh, and...

Antcliff wrote:Hi
I liked the old title better.

so did I.

Cheers
peter

Was there an old title? I don't think I remember this one, but I like it. I think the details are excellent, and really well marshalled to a very effective end.

Very good indeed.

Cheers

David

Thanks Ant.
Hi Peter - yup, know what you are saying. I worked less I think, at the language perhaps, thinking more of the build towards the en, the use of the 'ing' words opening each line...

Thanks David! re title, it was called Dad first , and I think I prefer it.

Mic

Enjoyed the material, it's warm and loving... and feels genuine, not sentimental. The title makes a big difference to the reading. Glad you changed it back.

I don't care for the form, would enjoy the flow to be smoother. The -ings are a nice challenge but may be limiting the beauty of the message. My opinion, of course.

A wonderful tribute even with the sadness of the end.

Thank you for this actually, it was a nice read for me today.

Suzanne

Some perfectly observed/recalled memories/images here, many of which feel close enough for the reader to relate to, yet still personal to the author. I found this truly affecting, and each time I read it, I have new-old memories popping up in my head of my dad and the quirky things he did and said.

The images are strong because they are so close to the truth and are not lost to the sometime-blur of the over-cooked word/image.

I really admire this poem.

The form for me is fine, I like how the lines increase in length, acting almost like a crescendo of thought until the heartfelt ending.

Grand stuff.

Best Regards

Vincent

Hi Mic

Loved this, I was directed here following a similar poem I wrote about the loss of my husband. Trying to recall the quirky things he did.

I love the shape and the build up until the single word at the end - increases the impact of it. Definitely think "Dad" is the best title, though it's clear the impact a title can have - it sets the tone for the piece. The "ing" words give the poem rhythm and an internal rhyme feel.

Great poem.

NorwichPoet

Is it more Christmas treeish now? I'm not sure I think that's an improvement.

I think the shape is effective, in light of the last line. Great stuff, Mic.

David wrote:Is it more Christmas treeish now? I'm not sure I think that's an improvement.

Agreed - the new 'form' is too artificial and drowns everything else out, and it does look even more like a Christmas tree!

Mic