Poetry Forum

If we were swifts we’d copulate in air.
Or so I read. I’ve not been there -
you understand - peeking, making notes.
Although I would need guidance
on where to put my feet and knees
and where to grip the lady please.
Still, I can always ask the swifts;
and if they don’t know the whippoorwill.

Well, there's a bird you don't hear of every day. Very clever construction. Found the "peeking, making notes" particularly funny.

Something quite Ogden Nash about this one Ant, good fun.

Great fun, but perhaps you don't need the "You understand", perhaps sneaking, peeking, making notes - We know you couldn't have been up in the air. Perhaps swap knees and feet for the sake of rhythm.

Nash,
Thanks for the read. I'd forgotten all about your grandfather's verse, but now you say it, yes I can see what you mean. Good company old Og.

Bloggsworth/(Ezra),
Thanks for calling by also. Will ponder your helpful suggestions...thank you.

Hat,
Thanks for reading and encouraging words...nice to meet you.

Cheers
Ant

With a start like that I'd expect - at the least - four rhyming words, scattered throughout, and I'm not sure what the whippoorwill (an American bird?) is doing there, but, taking it as it is, I like it.

Cheers

David

Yep thumbs up from me.

Not sure why I like it, but I was smiling when finished.

Never heard of a whippoorwill- but I did think of Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky when I read it.

Nicely done.

Best Regards

Vincent

Thanks David + Vince for read and words.

..I didn't realise that the Whipoorwill was such a lesser known bird..the "lonesome Whipoorwill" is cited at the start of this country classic. (Although living there for years may have coloured my view of what birds would be known).

Bloggsworth wrote:Great fun, but perhaps you don't need the "You understand", perhaps sneaking, peeking, making notes - We know you couldn't have been up in the air. Perhaps swap knees and feet for the sake of rhythm.

I agree with bloggsworth.

This was a pleasant morning read. Thanks.
Suzanne

I agree with David that I feel a little unsatisfied by the rhyme scheme that doesn't quite play out, but also with the general feeling of pleasure upon reading the whole. I'd prefer "mid-air" in L1.

B.

Hello Ant

Since this is the first post of yours I’m reading, I am not yet familiar with your style. Please forgive me if my comments are off the mark.

A typo in L7 ; The “I” is actually a numeral “1”

This poem doesn’t really know what it wants to be. It reads like free form but with two rhymes slipping in. Since there is no metrical pattern to compliment the rhyme it would be better to dump it completely. Hybrids should be avoided unless you really know your business.
May I offer;
“If we were swifts we’d copulate in flight” This would fix the first rhyme and also make the statement more concise (Humans normally copulate in air anyway just in case you hadn’t noticed)
Bloggsworth’s suggestion would take care of the second issue.

The last two lines are a little vague and could be re-arraigned perhaps for example:

“So should the swifts not tell me how
I’d have to ask the whippoorwill.”

TOT

Nice fresh subject that raises some interesting thoughts. Thank you.

Cheers,
Wally

Thanks Brian for reading and suggestions.
Hello Wally, thanks for calling by and reading and your suggestions. Very nice to meet you.

On air - yes I may modify thank you. Flight/mid-air...will ponder.

Scheme/form. Will ponder that as well.

Not sure that there is vagueness in last line though Wally. And the proposed modification, though welcome, loses a little zip surely?...."still" setting up the punchline. Do you not think it reads a little legalistically as well? ("Should the swifts not tell me....and both parties pre-decease" etc, etc). Still, I will look again.

Hope to see again down river Wally and to hear of South Africa.

Cheers Ant.