The Pleasure Gardens

[k-j]

These fields, cut through with linden-shaded walks,
are much frequented by the votaries
of pleasure. A glass dome houses butterflies
and red-eyed frogs and scarlet ibises,
and at its centre stands a corpse-flower,
erect, exuding sweet and morbid musk.
Hot air balloons ascend from here,
bedecked with golden suns and fleurs-de-lis,
and drift away to alien parishes.
Meat pies and beer and oranges are for sale;
the cries of hawkers mingle with the blare
of carousels; off-duty sailors roar
corrupting blandishments at nubile maids,
and lovers whisper in the colonnades.

[Antcliff]

Hi
IMHO both very good+done. It creates an atmosphere suffused with sex (erect, nubile, musk) and is also interesting set linguistically at some indeterminate but older date (maid/blandishments) when going for a stroll through gardens was the thing to do. It has a kind of Yellow Book/Aubrey Beardsley/Decadents 1890s sort of feel (red eyed/morbid/corpse). Strong imagery, dark whimsy. Like the final maids/colonnades rhyme. The earlier here/fleur-de-lis and even on to lien and beer (more internal semi-near-rhyming) is good.

And yes, I had to look up corpse flower.

Cheers,
Ant

[Thoth]

Hello KJ

I really loved this beautiful sketch, surely one of the best forum pieces I've seen posted in years!

Coming to mine was Cooleridge's "Kubla Khan"

"Amorphophallus titanum" "the changing giant phallus' - "the corpse flower -
What a powerful symbol that is and very skilfully used too I may add.

May I offer some very teeny nits to polish this excellent work. Deleting the unneeded words highlighted in red.

These fields, cut through with linden-shaded walks,
are much frequented by the votaries
of pleasure. A glass dome houses butterflies,
and red-eyed frogs and scarlet ibises,
and at its centre stands a corpse-flower,
erect, exuding sweet and morbid musk.
Hot air balloons ascend from here,
bedecked with golden suns and fleurs-de-lis,
and drift away to alien parishes.
Meat pies, and beer and oranges are for sale;
the and cries of hawkers mingle with the blare
of carousels; off-duty sailors roar
corrupting blandishments at nubile maids,
and lovers whisper in the colonnades.

Thanks for sharing,

Wally

[ray miller]

I thought the last 8 lines were terrific. You've almost managed to rhyme parishes with oranges. The whole thing is excellent, really, except for all those commas followed by and. Is this a personal tic? I've not noticed it before. I'd suggest something like this

A glass dome houses butterflies,
red-eyed frogs and scarlet ibises;
at its centre stands a corpse-flower,

Reminded me of something Larkin did, can't remember what it's called.

[David]

Very nice. It almost seems as though it should be called "The Pleasure Gardens at Vauxhall". I wonder whether you've perhaps overdone the orotund old-fangled phrasing, but it's a very enjoyable read. You could easily be slipping away at the end to meet up with Boswell and John Wilkes, to go a-rogering some doxies.

Cheers, my good sir

David

[Ros]

Yes, much fun. You could lose most of the commas and many of the ands, as suggested.

corrupting blandishments at nubile maids,

feels a little over the top, even given the language used.

Now then, David, enough of the rogering. What sort of board do you think this is?

Ros

[k-j]

Ha ha. Laughing at David's rogering.

Surprised this one was so well received.

Yes David I totally used Vauxhall as the template.

Ros you might be right, having the maids be nubile might be a bit too much.

Ray (and others) I suspect all the commas and conjunctions are a personal tic. The problem is I get bound up in the metre. I can't seem to make iambic lines - at least not many of them - without lots of ands and ors and lists.

[Antcliff]

Surprised this one was so well received.

Ros you might be right, having the maids be nubile might be a bit too much.

Well IMHO "Nubile/blandishments" is good...indeed spot on linguistically... if the poem is seen - as I saw it - as being set in some way in the world of the Yellow Book/London 1890s when gardens were the thing. I was serious about that reference. Imagine Oscar Wilde/Aubrey Beardsley wandering around gardens...looking for sin.

One of the best poems of atmosphere that I have seen on site so far...IMHO.

Cheers,
Ant.

[Ros]

Yes, it is very good - very consistent atmosphere. I agree about the looking for sin, but I think there might be a better way to put it than use nubile.

Ros