Poetry Forum

Alternative version

Pews 'ard as oaks en Pastor Paul ud
wheedle en coax yer ter gerrup
en tek owern Lord Jesus
inter yower proud en stubben ‘arts.
Uncle John en the Lindas ud
shut their eyes en try ter rise me
wi’ their prayers but I sat toight
en others stood en they bist saved instead.
After guitars we traipsed ter the ‘ouse
wi’ the table where little David wuz laid.
We’d a corner apiece en uncurled
en stretched ‘is arms en legs –
Faith ‘Ealin’ or Physiotherapy or
summat ter do wi’ sin.
There wuz a knack en a throb that I catched
en dropped each time I gazed past
the crosses 'oong from the Lindas’ necks
all jigglin’ about en bostin'.
Then David guz yampy en spits
en splothers en kicks ‘is puny limbs.
Oi’ll gerrup soon as ‘e does, I thought,
en it’s proven a sound enuff wager.


Original


Pews ‘ard as oaks ‘n’ Pastor Paul’d
wheedle and coax yer ter gerrup
‘n’ tek owern Lord Jesus
inter yower proud ’n’ stubben ‘arts.
Uncle John ‘n’ the Lindas’d
shut their eyes ‘n’ try ter rise me
wi’ their prayers but I sat toight
‘n’ others stood ‘n’ they bist saved instead.
After guitars we traipsed ter the ‘ouse
wi’ the table where little David wuz laid.
We’d a corner apiece ‘n’ uncurled
‘n’ stretched ‘is arms ‘n’ legs –
Faith ‘Ealin’ or Physiotherapy or
summat ter do wi’ sin.
There wuz a knack ‘n’ a throb that I catched
‘n’ dropped each time I gazed past
the crosses 'oong from the Lindas’ necks
all jigglin’ about 'n' bostin'.
Then David guz yampy ‘n’spits
‘n’ splothers ‘n’ kicks ‘is puny limbs.
Oi’ll gerrup soon as ‘e does, I thought,
‘n’ it’s proven a sound enuff wager

Hi Ray,
O yes, will be reading this one closely..but let me just say in advance how profoundly I welcome the start up apostrophe. I am awarding you a Blue Peter badge with no less than three oak leaf clusters for that alone.

'arts

'urricanes 'ardly ever 'appen in 'ampshire.

Ant.

Oh yes, I think this is excellent. I don't think there's a single thing wrong with it, and the ending is terrific.

The voice reminded me of Dennis Potter's schoolboy protagonist in The Singing Detective. Very very good.

Cheers

David

Excellent, Ray

Hung? Don't ya mean 'oong?

It's crying out to be recorded

Geoff

Yes, very good, enjoyed it.

I'm no judge on the expressions of course not knowing area at all. So my only negligible contribution will be to ask about apiece. Would N use that word? I'm not saying they wouldn't. Only asking.
Cheers,
Ant

Every time I read this I like it more.

"Uncle John ‘n’ the Lindas’d
shut their eyes ‘n’ try ter rise me"

was where the voice really took hold for me.

I'm fully in the story after that.

I was glad to find a website (Ow we spake) with a full glossary (I'm a Yank remember). Hard not to get lost in there. I had to look up yampy and bist and bostin'. Pretty cool to verify my impression that all that jigglin about was something in the realm of:

Bost -- broken or burst, past tense Bosted
Boster -- something big or possibly something good
Bostin -- Meaning "very good indeed" eg "We 'ad a bostin time" or "Ers a bostin wench"

...right there in the region of the Lindas' crosses. My initial thought was that it was related to bustin for its double meaning.

This diction is a perfect match for the church and the faith healing scene. I liked that I almost imagined David to be a baby because his limbs are described as puny. There's a dark and dry humor here that I really enjoy.

Cheers,
Wilcken

Spectacular piece Ray, I like it a lot.

I wouldn't change anything as such, but I think that perhaps all those apostrophes are a bit distracting. I realise that they're all correct but it might look better on the page if at least some could go, particularly on the ands ('n'). As a performance piece it obviously doesn't matter (...and I would really love to hear you read this) but I think it could be improved visually.

Nice one,
Nash.

This is excellent, Ray; the voice consistent with a hard-bitten incredulity I associate with Northern England, and Ireland for that matter. I like that while the N views it all with a weathered eye the others belief doesn't come across as demeaning: more well-intentioned and earnest to his? Skepticism. I can equally imagine his reticence at any public emotional exuberance. Superb ending.

I do agree with Nash about the punctuation. Also, "physiotherapy" sounds an odd, too-contemporary note amongst the earthy dialect.

Regards

Well, there's a surprise, all this pretty much undiluted praise. Didn't expect it to go down well at all, really, so thanks very much for that.

David. I have been watching The Singing Detective for the first time. I thought it were very absorbing and some of it has dripped back out again perhaps.

Geoff. You're right about 'oong, I've altered that. I couldn't do the accent justice, Geoff. Plus, I've packed in performing anyhow.

Seth. apiece is a word that's used in those parts. They'd pronounce it differently, though.Something like apace but elongated.

Wilcken.I think yampy and bostin are great words. I read that yampy means silly, daft, but we always understood it to mean mad. Yes, there's meant to be several plays on bostin. Black Country Folk are a weird tribe, to be sure, they do remind me of some of the communities in the Deep South. I ought to explain that the Black Country started about 5 miles from where I grew up but like another country or age.

Nash. I did try cutting down on the apostrophes at one point by using en for and, ud for would. I've posted an alternative but I don't think it works as well.

James. I totally agree about Physiotherapy but can't think what else to do. I'm glad you and David like the ending, wasn't sure about it myself.

I'm not one who can quote the bible without the help of Google, but my thoughts was using some language related to the laying of hands as opposed to physiotherapy? You have all of these other body parts and limbs mentioned and I think it could fit.

2 Timothy 1:6
"For which cause I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee through the laying on of my hands."
or another version: "This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you."

Wilcken

Hello Wilcken and thanks for the suggestion. I've thought on it. I still can't convince myself that I've come up with anything better than what's there already - but I'll come back to it.

ray miller wrote:Hello Wilcken and thanks for the suggestion. I've thought on it. I still can't convince myself that I've come up with anything better than what's there already - but I'll come back to it.

Nope. It's still wonderful. I love it. Sorry to gush, Ray, but that's how it is.

This is great Ray - it took me a few goes before I could read it smoothly, including getting the partly Black Country Mr. N. to read it in accent, but once it's rolling you're away.

I significantly preferred the second version without all the apostrophes and found it much easier to read, but that's just me.

Bostin!

Nicky B.

Ah, that's very nice on ya, David.

Nicky, thanks.Yer man's partly Black Country? Not Dudley Moore? Prefer the original,myself, apostrophes 'n' all. But anyway, the important thing is, I've just had the last 2 winners at Cheltenham, both 20-1 and I'm fuckin' flyin'!

Def not Dudley Moore. He's 6ft 4.

Two at 20-1, not bad. Chosen by colour or form?

6ft 4, Nicky! Must be from Upper Gornal.
Chosen by form, of course, and what a very satisfactory feeling it is.

Excellent stuff.

Henry VIII has a lot to answer for.

Thanks, Owen.
Allroite, ower Bren. Yer mean Pork Scratchins, loike?