Poetry Forum

i stubbed it out
theres nothing to shout about
im a larger lout
with a bad habbit i brag about

breath in my mouth and out my nose
calm down the rage that grows
but either way it shows
i'll break his fucking nose

the burberry boy struts the streets
glaring at the passers he meets
nike, adidas and humming g-unit
he has an ASBO and brags about it

he grew up in the ghetto
daddy's covered in tattoo's
mummy worked days in netto
and nights on the street oh

young offenders and life on the doll
in their own pitty they role
generation parental inspirational
they shout, swear and hit people

looking back in his council flat
wearing his old burberry hat
he remebers the fights he had
he won them, but lost them all

Hi Sam

You're supposed to review at least 1 poem before posting 1 of your own. So far you owe 3 reviews.

If you want to be taken seriously on this forum, you need to sort out your spelling urgently. You can't expect people to spend time reviewing your poetry if you can't be bothered to present it properly.

Cam

daddy's covered in tattoo's
mummy worked days in netto

not sure about 'mummy' and 'daddy', perhaps have the former having a choice tattoo or two, perhaps location/nature of tattoo would be interesting - saw this bloke in Asda with the tattoo 'mum' and 'dad' on his knuckles


mac

I think he may have used the words 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' to portray how imature this person is in the poem.

'mummy' and 'daddy' sounded twee, middle class

a tattoo poem I just read:


http://poetry.tetto.org/read/17940/

At least learn to spell "Burberry" and "dole".

All the cliches are there: ASBO, council flat, Netto, lager lout. Have you thought of sending this to the Daily Mail?

Predictable.

Styleless kids are wack
Get mashed up in the riot
Stepping to me is like smoking crack
- You shouldn't try it -
So back to the drawing board and
Change a word or three
Getting all up on this site like you're thinking you could murder me?
The absurdity
Asbo 1 wears the pants
And little boy they are Burberry!






All said though, I really liked your poem mate, just needs a bit of work innit.

'life on the doll' sounds an interesting proposal to me

mac

It is difficult to follow the drift of the narrator. Apparently, he has been a juvenile delinquent and was for a time an inmate of a correctional institution where he was subjected to harsh treatment. He brags about his smoking and glares at passers by. He attributes his faults to an early life in the ghetto and unsatisfactory parental affections. The creation of rhymes for rhymes? sake appears meaningless and a desperate attempt at literary pretensions. Perhaps the last line stands out as the most appropriate commentary on the whole poem ?He won them, but lost them all?.
- nairways

Seems the first 2 verses should be in quotes, then the social commentary starts. Yeah it *is* cliched but that's the point here, I think.

I rather liked it. Spelling/punct. permitting!

CCV

Stylish Kid in the Riot wrote:i stubbed it out
theres nothing to shout about
im a larger lout
with a bad habbit i brag about

breath in my mouth and out my nose
calm down the rage that grows
but either way it shows
i'll break his fucking nose

the burberry boy struts the streets
glaring at the passers he meets
nike, adidas and humming g-unit
he has an ASBO and brags about it

he grew up in the ghetto
daddy's covered in tattoo's
mummy worked days in netto
and nights on the street oh

young offenders and life on the doll
in their own pitty they role
generation parental inspirational
they shout, swear and hit people

looking back in his council flat
wearing his old burberry hat
he remebers the fights he had
he won them, but lost them all

/

Nair,

What inspired you to dig this puppy up?

-B.

Bombadil wrote:Nair,

What inspired you to dig this puppy up?

-B.

Brilliance, B, Brilliance !

huh.

takes all kinds, I suppose.

Mumbai, eh? cool.