Conceit in 13 lines

[David]

Having given tokens of our regard, we left
her still expecting more. She had had no suitor
before us, and wanted no other. We left her

with a few bright knick-knacks to wear till our return,
which was too long postponed. Now, dulled by neglect,
they gather dust in the places where we touched her.

We have started flirting with her older sisters,
queenly beauties whom we had long thought out of reach,
but now we find strangely approachable. On nights

when the stars jostle for all our fixed attention
but are eclipsed by these local deities,
we see her still. She haunts us with her pale-faced O
lover, come back to me, my bonny lad, my sweet.

[Mic]

Hi David,

Hot off the top-of-my-head press thoughts as follows: I found the title intriguing and clever - especially the way the plain 'telling what it is-ness' of the title works against the idea of a conceit as a 'fanciful concept'.

On first reading I found myself having a sense of it being a riddle poem, and that disorienting feeling these types of poems can produce until the 'what it is' moment happens, and then there is that satisfying clicking into place of the imagery on subsequent readings. It was on the third reading that I realised that this is a landing on the moon poem.

There is something strangely moving about those final two lines.

Liked it.

Mic

(ps Apollo 13....?? is there a link? I don't know much about the moon landing and Neil Armstrong thing.._

[David]

Thanks, Michaela. And you're right - in part, anyway.

But the 13 is not an Apollo thing.

There is something strangely moving about those final two lines.

Good! Thank you.

Cheers

David

[Vincent Turner]

Hi David.

Strange this one, I cant pretend to fully understand what it is about, but find myself liking it all the same.

It has mystery to it but no to much so it alienates the reader.

I did find the double use of "we left her" slightly of putting, was it planned to have it in the first line and third.

I have just seen Mic's comment about it possibly being about the moon- it that is the case, then it certainly makes sense, and is very good,
so much so I would have wanted more, being the moon and all, there is much that can be covered and explored

either way, to me, this is a clever and engaging poem.

best regards

Vincent

[Ros]

Reminds me of that poem I posted a link to when Neil Armstrong died - did that inspire this? Not sure about the older sisters, Mars being the god of war etc, but otherwise enjoyed this a lot.

Ros

[Antcliff]

Hi,
liked it
and like Mic I find that end oddly moving.

Can "which was" be nipped in stanza 2?

Is "queenly" doing much work?

Seth

[Lake]

Hi David,

I was a bit puzzled, too at first. Now, the more I read it, the more sense it makes.
I like the new approach the conceit is revealed and the tender feel it conveys.

Best,
Lake

[ray miller]

A nice conceit. I can't buy into the planets as older sisters, though and I wonder why the moon would adopt the voice of a Northern lass at the end. I found the repetition of "we left" a bit irritating, too. I like the 2nd verse very much but I'd have liked it to end on "touched."
Maybe "beyond us" rather than "out of reach".

[ljordan]

David, I don't think the title contributes much. It sort of marginalizes the poem into some arcane mantra. I've difficulty buying into the "we" as dare-devil explorers, they sound kind of wimpy compared to the "real stuff" guys. Not sure I would have taken the time to 'get it' were it not for the thread. I guess I was looking for something a bit more startling.

larry

[Magpie Jane]

A perfectly enchanting moon-piece, David.

Enjoyed verymuchly. Especially the ending, it's lovely. (A tad over the top? Why not? After all, that's what poetry is for, isn't it?)

I take it the "13" thing refers to the 13th moon, the "blue moon", of the year: http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap120901.html

Jane

[David]

Sorry, did not acknowledge these comments until now. Remiss of me. So, thanks for all of them. Particular ones that I think I should reply to ...

Reminds me of that poem I posted a link to when Neil Armstrong died - did that inspire this?

No! And you're right, they should probably be cousins. Second cousins. Nothing to do with gods, though.

Is "queenly" doing much work?

It is, but it's doing it wrong.

I wonder why the moon would adopt the voice of a Northern lass at the end.

Yes. Crammed a bit of personal history in there.

David, I don't think the title contributes much.

I did worry about the title, Larry. I still do. We are not dare-devil explorers, though. Well, maybe once, a little bit.

I take it the "13" thing refers to the 13th moon, the "blue moon", of the year: http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap120901.html

Yes! At least, I had the idea of 13 lunar months in mind - is that the same thing?

Again, thanks all.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Yes, a thoroughly enjoyable hymn. Hard not to applaud the clever nod in the direction of A13 in s2, very good. I liked the metaphor of s3 too. Indeed, the whole conceit is excellent. Oddly, perhaps, and certainly controversially, I think the weakest part (even though stll very good) is the ending. The expression seems, in the context of the otherwise exact grammatical construction, to be strangely unconventional. Or it may be personal, in that whenever I look at the pale-faced O, it seems to be taunting, rather than haunting.

Very good, whatever.

Peter

[David]

Thanks Peter. Very glad you liked it. Caveats noted!

Cheers

David