A Baudrillard afternoon

[RichardSanders]

I entered the Japanese garden when
the cherry-trees were blooming bright.

Seated on a bench in pinkish light,
I watched the ancient gardener.

With the patience of a rake,
he drew simulacra in the sand.

In each contemplated band,
the grains marched to his will.

When at last, he fell still,
a single pink petal floated by.

Surprisingly it almost made me cry
when it landed in the center swirl.

The artist moved then to a brilliant field,
of white pebbles hugging on a bed of grass.

After ample considered time he placed
an obsidian eye in the left side of the mass.

As he stepped on the arched wooden bridge,
a delicate breeze stirred my hair.

When I looked back again the eye
had gained a pinkish pupil, fair.

Feeding his Koi they made the water ripple,
marching to shore with sunlight on their backs.

When the surface came to rest,
two cherry-leafs sailed abreast.

As I watched the fish swim lazy laps,
I saw one black amongst its peers.

The old man whispered soft his wish;
"Please move gently my delicate friends,
the cherry-trees are watching us."

[Antcliff]

Hi,
I assume this refers to a writer called J Baudrillard? I know nothing about him I'm afraid, so I suspect the main theme here passes me by.

Thought..

"When at last, he fell still,
a single pink petal floated by.

Surprisingly it almost made me cry
when it landed in the center swirl."

I just wonder if something can be added in to provide a bit more context for this urge to cry?

best wishes,
seth.

[Vincent Turner]

Hi.

Some of the language was nice, but in truth I felt I was almost reading a report, it was a tad to much on the "telling" side.

In my opinion, which is usually not much! I would strip the poem down, steer it away from its novel like style which is how it reads to me- to much detail, not enough substance, heart, grit.

I think you could actually get rid of the opening couplet- does it add anything to the poem, other than tell the reader you entered the garden, there are other parts of the poem where this is made clear for us.

Surprisingly it almost made me cry
when it landed in the center swirl

I agree with Seth, at present this does not mean anything to me, is there another way of explaining the reason for such an emotion.

I did enjoy this, the setting of the poem and some of the images, I just think it could bee trimmed a bit, and have a less story like approach

Best Regards

Vincent

[RichardSanders]

Mmm. Ok a tip of the veil then.

Consider the shifting rhyming scheme to represent a countdown.
Think of the cherry-trees as a metaphore for society.
Think of the gardener as a metaphore for human interactions.
Think of the gardener being an artist as a metaphore for preconceptions.
Think of the petals as being the added value of society.
Think of black pebble and black koi as a metaphore for being different versus uniformity.

Does this help to understand the poem.
Of course I do realize the poem apparently already failed but I would very much appreciate input on the extent of its failure.

Thanks.

[Antcliff]

Hi Richard,
well I don't know much about poetry, but I do think that sometimes we can "overtask" a poem...ask it to be "about" things in various ways when no reader can reasonably be expected to think/sense/figure out that it is "about" those things. Do you think that might be happening here?

Best wishes,
Seth

[RichardSanders]

Hi Seth,

Yes, I do think this is the case. Otherwise no explanation would have been required.
The poem I guess is like an abstract painting or sculpture.
Unless you know some of the background of the piece, you can think it beautiful or not but you can't understand what the artist was trying to say.
As I said, it's obvious my attempt at being clever, has made the piece to abstract to be understood and thus, it is a failed attempt.
It might still be an interesting piece for scolars to analyze but as a poem, it fails.

Just so I haven't waisted your time...
I tried to express my view of our current crisis in Europe.
The message I tried to convey is:
Our society is at its apex. And if we do not learn to accept and embrace each-other's differences and start to integrate the worlds societies into one, so we can work together for the benefid of all mankind, our society is going to collapse.
And our clock is running out.

As said. A failed attempt alas.