Poetry Forum

That's wrong for this is right, one said
I'm right because i want to be
I'm wrong because they told me so
It's right because one said, you see
I'm right
I'm wrong
I'm whatever they want me to be
I'm trapped, you see
You're wrong
You're right
Because I want it to be
I'm free
Wrong or right is wrong, you see

this is much better than the rather fragmented and clumsy other poem - i quite liked the rhyme and rhythm. but:

the first line sounds archaic, "for" instead of "because" to fit the meter.

the theme - even in poem this short - is actually quite monotonous, especially because of the repetition.

try showing rather than telling - write about something less dull and you'll hold everyone's attention for longer. you can introduce your theme (enforced subjectivity, being made subject to others) by writing about what eliot calls an "objective correlative" - an objective event/thing/circumstance which corresponds to whatever emotion, thought, feeling etc. you're having.

Thankyou for the advice, Yep i can see now that the first line is rather archaic.

"objective correlative" - an objective event/thing/circumstance which corresponds to whatever emotion, thought, feeling etc. you're having.

Almost like a metaphor? Thankyou, adam

metaphor comes from the greek word meaning "to carry something over" - hence applying language describing one thing to another. objective correlative is more about taking a situation which correlates with an emotion/thought.

e.g.:

metaphor - "a fire burns in my heart"

objective correlative - see e.g. the opening of tithonus by tennyson - "the woods decay, the woods decay and fall": the woods are being literally described, not using metaphor, but correspond with tithonus' sense of the decay of the natural world around him as contrasted with his own immortality.

basically an objective correlative shows an image which reflects the premise of the poem, whereas a metaphor uses the language of one thing to describe another. so in the context of writing, OC means you should show, not tell, what you want to say - e.g. eliot didn't write about the meaningless of modern life explicitly but wrote about it through OC in the wasteland.

hope that helps - a bit vague i'm afraid!

Thanks, I feel like i have a better idea of what OC is, through your description. I'll have a look at some of Eliot's poetry. Thankyou very much for the help, i'm going to keep writing and see what i can come up with. Do most poets use OC ? take care , adam