Poetry Forum

A field brimming with roses
Tenderly blown, a soft breeze
" A rose for every heart " a widow whispered
Petals perturbed and blown
Long ago she was shown
Such a heinous vision
Embedded in her eyelashes
A flickering pain
A death in vain, sharing her name

For years and years
Her house teems with tears
Many a day spent plucking
To no avail
Over-drunk with ale
Wax was her holy grail.

cool,

Some decent lines here, and some pretty good imagery to boot. I have no idea what its about though, and the rhymes that you have are too random to be mistaken for form and too clicheed to be enjoyable...

Cheers,

B.

Thankyou I'm pretty sure the meaning can be found, although maybe i need to make it a little clearer.

Heya,

lines i liked:

"petals perturbed and blown"

"over-drunk with ale,
wax was her holy grail"


lines I didn't like:

"Embedded in her eyelashes
A flickering pain
A death in vain, sharing her name"

"For years and years
Her house teems with tears"


So all in all, 50-50 for me. I think it's about the death of a woman's husband, hence "sharing her name", but some of it seems out of context and ambiguous, e.g. "over-drunk with ale". Who? Her or the husband?

I think it's a good base, but it just didn't quite work for me. Some great imagery, some pretty dire. Don't give up on it, though, it's worth a re-think.

Sorry mate,

al