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The rope swing
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 5:23 am
by Bombadil
Unspoiled nylon
though darkened of age and
smoothed by hands’ oils.
A few taboo thoughts,
seductive suggestions ask:
“Could my neck take it?”
"Let go." Plummet down
to near zero—bluish fish
welcome your warmth.
Hold on a touch too
long—recoiling, reeling, screaming—
breaking back on shore.
Educational
summer camp object lesson.
Face fears or founder.
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 6:47 am
by camus
Ahhhhh a man after my own rope.
I must admit I prefer your more condensed poems, that's all there is to it.
"Educational summer camp object lesson." Would also make for a cumbersome but alluring title.
Nice one.
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:46 am
by pseud
I love this. Can't tell if you're bungee jumping or suspending from a tree.
Face fears or founder or Face fears or flounder?
The last line puzzles me. The rest is nicely balanced between brief and revealing.
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 1:39 pm
by k-j
Alright Keef. I like this too - as I read it it's a summer-camp rope-swing and as someone who grew up seemingly surrounded by rope swings I empathise with the doubt / dread / taboo thoughts as you clutch the nylon for the first time. But where would we be without rope swings, or redrafts for that matter?
S1 - works well. I'd change "of" to "by" but you don't have to.
S2 - love the first line, simple, direct and poetic. Second line could be deleted altogether, moving the colon to the end of the first. Making S2 a two-liner would give it more punch. Third line don't change.
S3 - Lovely. "Plummet" / "bluish", "bluish fish", "near-zero bluish", "welcome" / "warmth" - talk about harmonious.
S4 - nice "ings".
S5 - I like it but the first period ought to be a colon. I like "face fears or founder". Pseud I think he means founder in the general sense of fail, lose out.
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 3:07 pm
by cameron
I think you should use
Haiku more often; they help
You stay 'on-message'.
C
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 4:54 pm
by Bombadil
Perhaps I shall, the
Hakai do renga always
does treat me kindly.
Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 9:15 pm
by pseud
thanks for clearing it up k. I guess I should be looking things up more.
Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 7:42 pm
by Sean Kinsella
KEITH
I quite liked this overall.
Stand-out lines for me....
"A few taboo thoughts,
seductive suggestions ask
could my neck take it?"
and the closing lines...
"Educational
summer camp object lesson
Face fears or founder."
That one hits hard and home.
BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 12:52 am
by Bombadil
Them thar dickshunarys er kinda handy now an then...got one holdin up ma TV raht now.