In sight

[bodkin]

In sight

Breakfast-time, she stands, all pastoral-romantic,
in hospital pyjamas with her cooling coffee mug.
Ann, stuck with an image from her father's book
of human weakness, feels urgency but no way
to fit herself into a scene where patients bounce
sheep-like through the gate to the canteen, no whys
have been defined here--and she is glad of it.

--

Ed regards her from the doorway's queue.
He sees her as salvific, a rescue given human form,
a sum of factors far beyond the norms
he puts up with: dirty spoons, his window
that cannot see the park. It is getting hard
to recall the exact rules--"I" before "E",
never on a Wednesday, only if she smiles?

--

Frances Morten, from the nurse's observer post,
knows most about both these random players
but often sighs at time spent peeling layers
from badly eroded selves--so many files
on shelves, and years within each document.
It's been a while she's been standing here
but she can't remember what she was after.

--

Michael-call-me-Mike came on his cycle,
dumped it in his office by the palm
and now transects the moment of calm
confusion en his route to the shower.
He doesn't do patients himself any more
but is clear on the cost of Doctor Morten
to the penny, and by the hour, or month, or year.

--

With CCTV, Mister Blake, sees all the World
that's fit to see. Bites sandwich, watches watchers
orbit, tiny, in the glass. His job features
hours of these, most detailed observations,
from his station in the security booth--
his male-bonding shell, he is superior,
and smooth, and always "Mister."

--

Through the double-glazing, blindly, eyes concern
themselves with nothing but bread and seeds:
a pigeon's simple needing: food and to breed--
so why has it watched the window since dawn?

Ann believes she is a pawn who slipped the player's hand.
There was a plan she would eat breakfast, but nature,
the mist outside... She'll watch that pigeon for hours.

[ray miller]

Love the idea and much of the execution - all pastoral-romantic in hospital pyjamas - that's great, better without the comma.

the doorway's queue - summat not right about that, but not quite sure what.

nurse's observer post - maybe just Observation Post.
I found that Frances Morten section the least convincing.
And the following section the best and most convincing. I know Mike.

the security booth is his male-bonding shell? Don't follow that.
Not a great ending. I think the last 3 lines are ok, it's the previous 4 that's the problem.

[Antcliff]

Hi,
Liked much. A lot going on here.

Do you need commas after "smooth" and "these" in the Mister Blake section? Dunno.

Like Ray I am not sure about that last section...with the change in form and (to me) much more elusive content. (Not quite getting the "blindly" bit).

Not sure I quite understand this bit..

It's been a while she's been standing here
but she can't remember what she was after.

Seth

[Arian]

Yes, i like the idea, too - a shrewd snapshot of institutionalism, captured with a few concise and observant mini-biographies.

As you probably know, I'm far from a hardline structuralist when it comes to poetry, but I did notice that only s1 and s7 break the l2/3 rhyme scheme. It jarred a bit, I don't know why. Perhaps because it smacks of opportunism, rather than design.

Still, lots to like.

Cheers
peter

[bodkin]

Yes, i like the idea, too - a shrewd snapshot of institutionalism, captured with a few concise and observant mini-biographies.

As you probably know, I'm far from a hardline structuralist when it comes to poetry, but I did notice that only s1 and s7 break the l2/3 rhyme scheme. It jarred a bit, I don't know why. Perhaps because it smacks of opportunism, rather than design.

Still, lots to like.

Cheers
peter

Thanks Peter,

I thought "mug" rhymed with "book" well enough for these purposes... but I will dwell on it.

If you regard (as I did) S7 as merely the second part of S6, then you will see the pattern is still there, I hoped the absence of a section break would show that... The last two S's to me are the same section, but I teased them apart to separate the "about pigeon" part from the "about Ann" part. Maybe I can separate them to a lesser extent, maybe with an ellipsis instead of a question mark after "dawn", hmmm, that might be interesting...

Thanks,

Ian

[bodkin]

Hi,
Liked much. A lot going on here.

Do you need commas after "smooth" and "these" in the Mister Blake section? Dunno.

After "these" I think it changes the meaning slightly, not sure which I prefer...
After "smooth" I need something, but maybe a semicolon, because it is a lurch to rather a different topic. Hmm...

Like Ray I am not sure about that last section...with the change in form and (to me) much more elusive content. (Not quite getting the "blindly" bit).

Not sure I quite understand this bit..

It's been a while she's been standing here
but she can't remember what she was after.

I won't explain (or apologise) but I will consider these sections in a rewrite, and see whether people get it then...

Thanks,

Ian

[bodkin]

Hi Ray,

I take your points, all except for the four lines just before the end. I mean I can see they are not working for you, but I have to have some lines about the pigeon there, otherwise there is nothing for Ann to look at...

Is it the presence of the pigeon at all? Or is it just the way I have said it?

I will look into all you say in a rewrite, not sure when.

Thanks!

Ian

[ray miller]

Through the double-glazing, blindly, eyes concern - I struggle to make any sense of this line and I'm wondering what the point of the pigeon is.

[Arian]

Maybe I can separate them to a lesser extent, maybe with an ellipsis instead of a question mark after "dawn", hmmm, that might be interesting...

Yes, sounds like a good idea - at the moment, they do seem a little too separated.

as a supplementary point, how about just using 'need' instead of the (rather awkward, to my ear) gerund form 'needing'? For me, it would sound less forced, and enhance the nice dawn/pawn, hand/plan internal rhyming, with a bread/seed/need/breed sequence.

Cheers
peter

[David]

That's a very nice first line, but by line 3 I'm wondering whether I should recognise the reference to Ann's father's book, and I'm also wondering - and this problem increases as the poem goes on - what the metrical form is. I'm thinking rough hexameter, but it does seem to vary a lot. I think you might have to be harder on yourself about it. Unless there is no metrical form, but surely there is, or should be?

Rhyming only (so far as I can tell) only lines 2 and 3 of each verse is interestingly eccentric.

Do sheep bounce? Lovely thought.

I like the switches in perspective in each verse. Reminded me of Penny Lane, which can't be bad.

Cheers

David

[bodkin]

Thanks David,

"In Penny Lane there is a patient with a coffee cup..." -- love it!

No, you are not supposed to recognise the book, except as a generic "They **** you up, your mum and dad..." type reference.

I wasn't intending a metrical form, I was considering it looser to allow for slightly different feelings in the different sections.

But now you have put the idea in my head, hexameter would give it a nice slow progression.

I will come back and look into a rewrite, taking everybody's suggestions on-board. It might be a while be a while because I am looking at "numbers station" first, and that's a slow job...

Ian

[Vincent Turner]

Evening.

This is good ,real good. For me it reads distant, a journalistic approach.... is that what you were looking for. It is well observed, but not personal, it is seen from the outside, but does not display experience, as I say is this what you were going for. I cant question mark anything as most of my bottom board is damaged. This is strong, and well observed, but as mentioned, for me appears and reads as an outside piece. If this is a secure unit, which it may not be, then I question the bounce towards the canteen, for I have never seen patients in a unit of this type bounce, maybe shuffle but never bounce.... food is a break from routine, there is rarely a call from hunger, food has no taste, conversation is dry, etc.. Dont get me wrong, this is good , and it definitely evoked some strong memories for mere here, but I would read it as a professional approach as opposed to closer one. Either way it worked for me, in a distant, observing sense.

best regards

V

[bodkin]

Thanks Vincent!

I am not sure about "journalistic" but yes, it is very much a set of individuals observed from outside... because I'm really focussing on the way they are observing each other. So yes, that is very much a part of what I was going for...

I wasn't thinking so much of a secure unit, maybe more some place with a mixture of resident and day patients...

Maybe bounce isn't quite the right word, I was picking-up more on "bounce" as in ricochet, rather than bounce as in three-year-old; more randomness than energy.

There was one other thing I was trying to say, and the slight distance is a part of that, but I don't want to explain it in hope that somebody will mention it unprompted...

I am going to come back, and attempt to tidy/clarify the odd section, plus run a metre-comb over the whole thing and see what happens.

Thanks again,

Ian