Poem

[Rachel]

Something was yellow
At the nape of your neck
In among twigs and branches
And damp fallen leaves.

Stupified, I watched it
Turn and dance at me
Swathed in red and orange, fire
In the post-rain colour of the night.

It was like nothing I knew, a golden
Arrow aimed at me,
Ready to burn right through
My body in the husky night.

We have grown quiet together.

Now I see, tracing the maps of your
Bark, that there is something which
I did not look for in the gnarled and broken
Body of a wet tree in the night.

[figure eight]

I think I've missed the exact analogy here. I can sort of see what it's hinting at but it's not very clear. Could you tell me what you were trying to get across?

I love the line:

We have grown quiet together

It's very simple yet touching.

Figure.

[Rachel]

Last night I looked at the tree outside my house and there was something glowing there, a twig, I don't know. It was so unexpected and it was really beautiful.
It isn't all that clear is it?
Love Rachel

[figure eight]

I think I was just confused by the "nape of you neck" line. I couldn't work out which part of a tree the neck would be. As you talk about fallen leaves I assume you see the trunk of the tree as a neck with the nape at the bottom where the roots are. This is fine but later you talk about the body of the tree which i think confused things. I couldn't understand how you could see the body if the neck reached all the way to the ground.

If it's literally about a tree then that'll be why I couldn't fully make out the analogy. I thought after the "...quiet together" line it must be about another person in some way. Thinking about it now, after being told it is about the tree the line reads differently. I still like it as much, but it has a very different feel to it now.

Thanks for the explaination.

Figure.

P.S. Post rain colour of the night is a nice description too.

[Rachel]

The nape of your neck, for me that is the bit where the tree splits into the branches at the top, and the trunk is the body. Look at that bit of the tree- its shaped like the nape of a neck, you can see it.
Love Rachel

[figure eight]

OK I get it now. Sorry it's still a little early for me. So the "glowing something" was still in the tree not on the ground with the fallen leaves.

Thanks for clearing everything up. By the way, can't remember whether I commented but I really liked "smoke"

Figure.

[Sean Kinsella]

RACHEL

This one improved with successive reading for me. I'm not so struck on the repetition of "post-rain". It works the first time, but not the second.

This however is a lovely piece of imagery

"tracing the maps of your
bark..."

Find a way of re-phrasing the 2nd 'post-rain', and it'll really begin to work.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA

[barrie]

Excellent! - The imagery, besides being visual, brings out the smell of rain on leaves, the smell of Autumn - best time of the year.

[Rachel]

Thanks for your replies everyone.
Sean- I've gone for husky (NOT as in dog!). How do you think that works instead?
Love Rachel

[Sean Kinsella]

RACHEL

Much better.. and it really does improve it.

Well done.

BEST REGARDS
SEAN KINSELLA