Poetry Forum

The urge to take flight

Espresso wasn't tricked by Chardonnay,
the afternoon's conversation forced sleep
into another room, far from my bed. Read a book
describing atom-splitting love beginning
in two unsuspecting people. The characters
set into place- the way a bird feels a tremor
and sits hushed in fear, or a mouse panics,
scurries into a hole soon to be tomb.
The urge to scream tightened my throat,
gave way to a moan- like the earth as it yields
on a fault line, a low rumble of devastation.
Yet I sat turning pages, narrator hindsight-
picking details and laying them on display,
unaware he was unburying you and I.








I felt a scream to stop rise in my throat
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Espresso did another song and dance beneath Chardonnay,
the afternoon's conversation forced sleep into another
room, or atleast somewhere far from my bed. Read a book,
chapter one, about the moment a destructive love began

in two unsuspecting people. Part of me screamed to stop reading,
to cease the pages from turning. Part didn't protest at all,
simply moaned- they way the earth does when it separates
on fault line, sound being a natural response to devastation.

The author wrote about the moment a person senses
their world is about to change, like when birds feel a tremor
and are hushed in anticipation, or mice panic, scurry into holes
soon to become sealed tombs. I sat turning pages, narrator

picking at details in the debris, laying them on display, unaware
he was showing me how profound my love for you had been.








.....

The Chardonnay has not silenced the caffeine. Espresso
and the afternoon's conversation forced sleep into another
room, or atleast somewhere far from my bed. Read a book,
chapter one, about the moment love began between two
unsuspecting people. Part of me screamed to stop reading,
to cease the pages from turning. Part didn't protest at all,
simply moaned- they way the earth does when it separates
on fault line, sound being a natural response to devastation.

The author wrote about the terrifying moment a person senses
their world is about to change, like when birds feel a tremor
and are hushed in anticipation, or mice panic, scurry into holes
soon to become sealed tombs. I read only one chapter, narrator
picking at details in the debris, laying them on display, unaware
he was showing how profound my love for you had been.



.

An interesting piece. I think you can build even more on the hub of the poem and use even more unsettling language and possibly strengthen the metaphorical aspects of the piece. Not totally convinced the line breaks are the most effective, but it does sit well.

All the best

~*Dalena*~

Feels like the moment of stillness before an earthquake ... when animals do behave strangely. Trouble is, you don't really notice it. As in the earthquakes of life ....

Thanks for looking Dalena and dedalus,

I'll reconsider the line breaks, D.
and enjoyed hearing you got the feel of an impending earthquake, d.

Thank you.
Suzanne

Suzanne,

The meat of this is in S2 and S1 (IMHO) takes too long to get going.

I think you would be better off just reading a book/article about earthquakes in the first place, with minimal preamble.

Geoff

Suz,
Hmm. I'm with Geoff on the start. Could it begin at, say, "part of me.."?

Seth

Thanks Geoff and Seth,
I think that's what Dalena was saying too.
Ill work on the edit.


Basically just prose. I think.

Thanks.
Suzanne

Maybe that helps?

Suzanne wrote:
Basically just prose.

Yeah.

B.

Yeah.


Sigh.

Better????

Hi Suzanne,
Like the 'unburying you and I' line very much. Not sure about the 'scream stop rise' line as I seems ungrammatical to me...

The word 'unsuspecting' jolts the rhythm a bit for me also.

However, enjoyed reading this piece and these are minor nits

Marc

Thank you you Marc.
I edited that line, thanks for pointing it out.

The "unsuspecting" I will stick with that one.
Maybe I can read this one in my American accent and the hiccup will go away. Not sure.

Thank you , Mister Marc.

Suzanne

Suz,
Quite a change.
I kinda prefer the first ending....it concludes with the grand realisation about how profound a love was/is. Being "unburied" seems very different....hmm.

seth

Poetry like this is cool, in its way, but just doesn't cut it, to be brutally honest. You can do better. You have to do better!

I like it very much, especially from "I watched it get laid out..."
A suggestion, and probably a very stupid one

Read a book
describing atom-splitting love in two
unsuspecting people. I watched them get laid
out the way a bird feels a tremor

soon to be a tomb - I'd prefer

Still not working completely for me. Grammatically I'm not keen on the missing articles - ( a tomb, a fault-line) and you need to end on me, not I. I'm not really convinced that a book would have the effect of

The urge to scream tightened my throat,
gave way to a moan-

and the language is a bit tired. Devastation at love beginning? Seems a bit pessimistic!

Ros

Seth, yeah, I guess it does change it a bit. I will think about that, not sure it matters... Not sure.

Thanks.


Bren, thanks. I must do better.


Ray, I'm glad you liked it. I see those lines are not right. I think it is "watched" that trips things up. I'll fix it, thanks.

Ros,
i'll slip the articles back in. A book can have such an effect on someone, though, perhaps not everyone, granted.
And it's atom splitting-love, it can't be a good thing- no matter how exciting it seems to have found it. Everyone around gets burned.

I agree that the language is a bit tired. Yep. Agreed.

I think I should write short stories rather than poetry. I've got fictional characters in my head dying to embellish themselves into a poem.

Thanks,
Suzanne