Poetry Forum

Is this supposed to mimick someone half-awake?

hi pseud,

interesting that you got this impression from this piece

it has more to do with making full use of the white page:

why be enslaved to the tyranny of the left margin ???

is life linear ? going from A to B ? - we have models of this in all fields of endeavour, that likes to predict that ..but life is very rarely linear you will find - LOL

so I borrowed from the experimental poets/visual poets ,

words drift lazily across the page, bu tthe poem is not lazy - there are coherent thoughts impressions and reflections that is

visually more information to add and appreciate to the intent of poem hopefully

Arco

Archangel Adrian:

The more I read this the more I adore it. You're definitely at your best when you're writing images, little things, rather than ideas (like that newspaper one). This is wonderfully woozy, kaleidoscopic, delirious. Once again you've indented masterfully, every image heading in the right direction, the sheer curtains sheer, the tail-lights reversing, the spread-out headlights, the flashing neon ads; in fact I love the way the poem is built out of lights. Aunt Irene is better-characterised than every Dan Brown character ever without her saying a word. And the sounds ring softly without intruding: "lights" / "out" / "market" for example and even better, "kleig" / "beams" / "gnome" / "peals". So for me this is the best I've seen of you.

But come on - apostrophes in plurals (pedestrians, moons) are bad, bad, bad. And if it's "hunter's" beam of light (which it is), why isn't it "director's" chair?? No excuses!

kj,

no excuses - i will go to my room
and write out 50 times ..i must not....

thank you my dear reviewer - you are priceless - i have made the edits

Arco

Nah,

I just don't get indents and the like. If anything these type of decorations disguise a poem more than enhance it. Which is in essence quite a whiley trick.

I think if you read this in regular stanza form the effect wouldn't be half so alluring, my point being style over content, or whatever the saying is.

Arco, I just don't get it!

Camus: it's disjointed, innit? Like the speaker's mind that evening. The poem's dancing around like all the different lights; and like thoughts. You're right, it wouldn't be as effective without the indents; that's because the form is part of the poem - the style is part of the substance - which is the case for most good poems and songs I think.

fair enough camus that is ok if you feel that ,

The plodding straight line is so boring man

I think we have been conditioned to left margin madness for yonks !

It is as you say a stylistic approach but check out the 60's visual poets /experimental poets and see their approach to expressionism -perhaps expand your point of view ?


cheers
Arco

"The plodding straight line is so boring man"

Alas I like the plodding line. I enjoy the intensity that can arise from boredom.

Arco my mind is way too expanded, thats why I lose it alot of the time, slightly patronising tone from you there.

I just don't like concrete poetry, its a cop-out, in my opinion of course.

have to be careful in my wording here camus,

patronising was't my intention here - how about " expanding the perspective - a new aspect or looking at words expressed on a white page that is different to the normal straight line reading approach , this is what i meant , going beyond convention thats all

compare to say looking at a painting - is there more than one way to look at this ?


Arco

is there more than one way to look at this ?

Well I'guess I'm not a progressive poet, lol, not into our dreaded future anyway.

Fuck all texters and may their thumbs grow to the size of Hell Boy's.

And may all concrete poets meet canals.

Hey Arco, luv ya.

' I enjoy the intensity that arises from boredom'

Ditto.

camus many people love you too


Arco

Not sure love is the issue here. Its poems in a painters form. Two different and unconnected forms of artistic expression. Art is greater than science, I said that. It touches closer to truth, and to my mind poetry exceeeds all forms of human expression, in its self, wether on the left, right, in the middle or randomly expressed. Your previous poems presentation to some extent endeared me to visual poetry. This one, however didn't. Very disjointed.
Yes, the light theme shone.

hey minstrel,

this is a creative writing workshop I would of thought ,

so you didnt like my approach ? or hated the poem all together ?

its a simple poem expressed visually as well textually to enhance each observation the protagonist has made... I see no harm in that ...don't get me wrong i very much like the traditional structures of poetry, you have only to see tutorials that i post.


Arco

No. Personally, and hate is certainly no part of the issue, I found that your visual technique, in this instance alone, actually detracted and even restricted the flow of the poem. It was staccato, when the theme seemed quite middle of the night.

then minstrel,

see kj's second comment - without giving too much away


arco

Fuck all texters and may their thumbs grow to the size of Hell Boy's.

ah....it appears I've been cursed.

pseud,

you get weak kneed too quickly

best response for cursedness (or cussedness)

is creativity - focus on what you want to explore and what feels right for you


be well
Arco

Arco, kindly pay attention to my icon.

I have no knees!

I think indentations are over-used; often they don't add anything to a left-aligned format. But in this case I thought they contributed to the sense of the poem. Besides, it's hardly radical. I'm surprised it's caused so much fuss.

Minstrel,

Maybe this should be one of the poetry discussion topics but:

Art is greater than science, I said that. It touches closer to truth

Just wondered why you think this. Surely art attempts to capture the fundamental truths of science: the human form, nature, the mind & body's emotional responses.

I know I might have trouble arguing this side of the debate on a poetry forum but wondered what others thought.

Please don't get me wrong I love poetry, but I see it as being similar to mathematics. It's a system we've come up with to represent feelings, moods, etc that's understandable and makes sense to us. It's the same with maths; it's is our own system of rules that we try to impose on nature and science.

Sorry please don't think I'm having a go, that's not what I indented. I just think it's an interesting point you make and probably worthy of further discussion.

This is always a good one: anyone want to talk about it? viewtopic.php?t=1837.

lol, sorry to bring the tone down but:

"that's not what I indented"

Them Goddam indents.