Poetry Forum

LINES 9 AND 13 LIGHTLY TWEAKED

After that hasty exit in the landau -
the unexpected voices in the hall,
the knotted sheets, the Gräfin at the window -

I said Auf Wiedersehen to snowy Lindau,
now grown too warm, despite the chilly nights,
for that was not my first enforced glissando.

So, whistling a debased gavotte en rondeau,
I took the road for Italy, where I have made
myself a pretty little nest, parlando

Italiano like a native - Quando
va da casa il tuo marito? -
and mastering the art of innuendo

as I have seen the worldly-wisest men do.
The amorous musician alternates
between crescend-o and diminuend-
oh.

ORIGINAL

After that hasty exit in the landau -
the unexpected voices in the hall,
the knotted sheets, the Gräfin at the window -

I said Auf Wiedersehen to snowy Lindau,
now grown too warm, despite the chilly nights,
for that was not my first enforced glissando.

So, whistling a debased gavotte en rondeau,
I took the road for Italy, where I have made
myself quite at home, parlando

Italiano like a native - Quando
va da casa il tuo marito? -
and mastering the art of innuendo

as all the worldliest and wisest men do.
The amorous musician alternates
between crescend-o and diminuend-
oh.

Hello David 2 - nice to meet you!

We have another David here, a splendid chap, I think you'll get on well with him.

Nash.

You've omitted the "in" from diminuendo. Other than that it's wonderful.I love the glissando line.
Maybe this line doesn't stretch quite far enough.

myself quite at home, parlando

Are you in hiding?

I enjoyed this. Neatly done, David2, bravo!

Marc

Can say no more than -- well done, confidently written, well structured and amusing.

I would love to offer you constructive criticism but to be truthful --- I have none, it reads as it should I think.

Bravo indeed.

elph

“Style is like the clap. You've either got it or you haven't...and you've got it.” Paul Calf

This is interesting more pleasing than nintendo.


Enjoyed,
Suzanne

Well, of course, I'm envious. Pure David, reaching out towards high art with imperious elegance.

S1 and S2 are fantastic. It's like I'm looking into a playful Northern European painting. The glissando metaphor is inspired. Then you give us the music as your man goes on his journey.

as all the worldliest and wisest men do

Is that line a bit of a mouthful?

Great take-off and landing, with much to admire in the middle.

You've still got it.

Bravo, although what has changed from 1 - 2?

I expect sex and extreme violence done in a high arty style next time out!

Ho ho, mi amigo, me gusta mucho. (No hablo italiano, sado mio)
(I tried looking up "Backdoor Man" in an English-Italian online dictionary, but possibly something was being lost - or added! - in the translation).

What's with the alter ego, bro?

At the risk of overdoing it on all scores - maybe "comes and goes" instead of "alternates"?

Splendido
Geo

Hurrah! I'm glad you all liked it.

twoleftfeet wrote:(I tried looking up "Backdoor Man" in an English-Italian online dictionary, but possibly something was being lost - or added! - in the translation).

That sounds distinctly alarming.

twoleftfeet wrote:What's with the alter ego, bro?

It's a purely numerical thing. With the 10k looming, I decided I didn't want to have that monkey hanging round my neck, so Nicola kindly allowed me to reregister - or, for Whovians, regenerate. My true number of postings therefore, if x is the number that now appears against David2, is x + 9999. Which is truly disconcerting.

Oskar wrote:as all the worldliest and wisest men do

Is that line a bit of a mouthful?

It is. I noticed that at the time. I'd like to think that it's as near as I get to filler in this one.

ray miller wrote:You've omitted the "in" from diminuendo.

Agh! Thanks, Ray. That's me, I fear - growing dimmer.

Cheers all

David

Old chap - I can truthfully say I didn't know it was you. That makes me feel pretty good because my very positive crit was a genuine one and not influenced by knowledge of who had posted.

I always worry on here that we can be overly gentle on "old friends" so glad to say this was an unbiased review.

Power to the new you.

elph

Unlike Elph, I wasn't fooled by the new moniker. The style was the giveaway. And what a style it is. Excellent, as usual.

Not, perhaps, as laden with subtextual significance (unless I've missed something) as some of your work, but a witty and easy read, full of Davidisms. Or David2isms.

I can't think of a non-gratuitous crit, except the one oskar's already made - two superlatives within touching distance of each other are a bit of a gobstopper. Still, a micro-nit if ever there was one.

Very good indeed.

Cheers
peter



Peter

David2 wrote:

twoleftfeet wrote:(I tried looking up "Backdoor Man" in an English-Italian online dictionary, but possibly something was being lost - or added! - in the translation).

That sounds distinctly alarming.

Yep. I think an Italian - on seeing my attempt at translation - would read it as "a male, possibly greek, who prefers to use
the tradesman's entrance".

I thought, who is this David2?, and had a little twinge of envy. It's a joyful, lilting, musical thing. I like the form - is it a traditional form? Or something of your own devising?

Really enjoyed this, and now I know its you, it makes perfect sense. (I'm no less envious though!)

Mic

I agree with comments made by Ray and Oskar about lines 9 and 13. But quibbles aside this is delightful. Excellent how the title sets the tone too. Skillful and musical as ever.

B.

Arian wrote:Unlike Elph, I wasn't fooled by the new moniker. The style was the giveaway.

Yes, I was surprised by Elph's remark. I thought it sounded like me! For better or for worse.

Mic wrote: I like the form - is it a traditional form? Or something of your own devising?

Michaela, I've been reading some David Harsent lately. I don't much like the tone of what he writes - sadly, that seems to be true of lots of currently feted poets, which makes me feel like a very tweedy dinosaur (Tweedosaurus Rex?) - but he is a bit of a virtuoso in rhyming, and this was a form that I think I found there.

I agree that lines 9 and 13 need tweaking. I've had a go at that. (Good to hear from you again, Brian.)

Cheers all

David

I agree with the others. Wouldn't change a thing.

What does "glissando" mean?

"worldly-wisest" is a great invention (is it yours?)

Pseud2

Thanks, Caleb. A glissando is a glide or - even better, in this context - a slide. "A rapid slide through a series of consecutive tones in a scalelike passage."

And Mr. Worldly-Wiseman is a character in Pilgrim's Progress, so I was able to smuggle a bit of Puritan disapproval in there as well.

Cheers

David