Few people know exactly what happened,
she was found lying breathless at the base of the stair.
Her gnarled lips dry and her head slightly flattened
and stuck to the floor by her blood and her hair.
Afternoon sunrays slide through the dust-light
Slant past the doorway across which she lies.
Her fingertips gentle and lost in the carpet,
a fixed point invisible met by her eyes.
The tap in the kitchen patiently dripping
the only thing beating that isn’t alive.
Fills the cup from which she was sipping
Waits for the twist of off to arrive.
The mounts in her mouth, more stones than teeth
wait for the rattle that gristle prevents.
Buses cast shadows and rumble politely
another night dead to the chain of events.
Who has a key to let themselves in
Who will be met by fate in a face
Who will revive the life of Maria
Who will wrap her in Maltese lace.
The stair
Hi Minstrel, a few thoughts on your poem:
Almost unusual these days to tackle a poem in conventional rhythm and regular rhyme. It strikes me that here there’s a danger of the meter being too light, too dancing for the subject. Nevertheless, good for you for tackling it. The first verse gets things off to a good start with a very vivid setting of the scene. I like the first line of the second verse with the sun’s rays ‘sliding’ through the dust.
The dripping tap ‘patiently’ beating is atmospheric, intensifies the stillness and quiet of the woman on the floor. ‘Waits for the twist of off’ is clumsy, though. Sure you can do better.
The thought of buses outside of the house rumbling ‘politely’ by is very appealing.
But we come to the last verse, four lines of questions without a question-mark, all asking who is going to find her etc. According to the first verse, second line ‘she was found’!
You’ll have to alter something to save a potentially good poem.
Last thought: I do hope Maria didn’t become Maltese just to be able rhyme ‘face’ and ‘lace’.
Congrats, Leslie.
Almost unusual these days to tackle a poem in conventional rhythm and regular rhyme. It strikes me that here there’s a danger of the meter being too light, too dancing for the subject. Nevertheless, good for you for tackling it. The first verse gets things off to a good start with a very vivid setting of the scene. I like the first line of the second verse with the sun’s rays ‘sliding’ through the dust.
The dripping tap ‘patiently’ beating is atmospheric, intensifies the stillness and quiet of the woman on the floor. ‘Waits for the twist of off’ is clumsy, though. Sure you can do better.
The thought of buses outside of the house rumbling ‘politely’ by is very appealing.
But we come to the last verse, four lines of questions without a question-mark, all asking who is going to find her etc. According to the first verse, second line ‘she was found’!
You’ll have to alter something to save a potentially good poem.
Last thought: I do hope Maria didn’t become Maltese just to be able rhyme ‘face’ and ‘lace’.
Congrats, Leslie.
Hi Leslie.
Dancing is exactly what I wanted, dont you find the juxtoposition amusing? maybe its just northern working class humour, making the best of a bad situation.
No excuses for that bad line, could not dredge an uncompromising alternative. Any suggestions welcome if you can bare such direct involvement with the scheme. Seriously, would appreciate input.
The questions seemed mute, so didn't mark them......four little curled fingers tapping impatiently at the end of each line. The woman was dead.
I asked who found her, not if.
Maria, if she had ever existed, would never compromise her nationality for the sake of rhyme!
You got the atmosphere that I had. Means a lot. Thankyou.
Dancing is exactly what I wanted, dont you find the juxtoposition amusing? maybe its just northern working class humour, making the best of a bad situation.
No excuses for that bad line, could not dredge an uncompromising alternative. Any suggestions welcome if you can bare such direct involvement with the scheme. Seriously, would appreciate input.
The questions seemed mute, so didn't mark them......four little curled fingers tapping impatiently at the end of each line. The woman was dead.
I asked who found her, not if.
Maria, if she had ever existed, would never compromise her nationality for the sake of rhyme!
You got the atmosphere that I had. Means a lot. Thankyou.
Afraid I still have to disagree with the last verse; it doesn't say 'who found her' - it's 'who has . . .' and 'who will . . .' looking at a future event not the past.
I thought at first that the woman was dead, but the more I read the poem the stronger the suggestion became that she was not - the last rattle had not come, and who will revive the life? North Country humour may be different, but death is the same at both ends of the land.
Leslie.
I thought at first that the woman was dead, but the more I read the poem the stronger the suggestion became that she was not - the last rattle had not come, and who will revive the life? North Country humour may be different, but death is the same at both ends of the land.
Leslie.
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figure eight
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Hey Minstrel,
I liked this poem. The first stanza is quite hard hitting with some unpleasant imagery. The second also has some great stuff.
The third stanza confused me. It's the second line I think. I loved the couplet of..
Apart from the particularly nice rhythm of...
I think for a poem with such strong imagery through out, the final stanza is also weak. I don't like the questions. One final strong image would really round this off well. Did you consider setting the final stanza somewhere else, like a grave, or funeral, maybe even a hospital or ambulance?
I sort of understand the "light and dancing meter" to quote Leslie. It sort of sums up how the elderly in the north deal with these kinds of things, in a very "oh don't worry about me, it's nothing, you look after yourself..." kind of way.
Hope you don't think I've been too negative. I did really like this. I only comment on poems that I like.
Let me know if you disagree with any of this or can explain anything that you think I’ve missed.
I’m looking forward to the next one.
Figure 8.
I liked this poem. The first stanza is quite hard hitting with some unpleasant imagery. The second also has some great stuff.
is particularly effective. I'm not as keen on the switching of the sentence order; the "across which she lies" part seems forced as that’s not how people talk ordinarily.Afternoon sunrays slide through the dust-light
Slant past the doorway...
The third stanza confused me. It's the second line I think. I loved the couplet of..
The second line I wasn't sure as I wouldn't have ever described a dripping tap as beating. I liked the wording of the final line in the stanza but admit I did trip over it the first time I read it through. Maybe that's why Leslie thought it felt clumsy.The tap in the kitchen patiently dripping
Fills the cup from which she was sipping
Apart from the particularly nice rhythm of...
...the fourth stanza didn't really do it for me.Buses cast shadows and rumble politely
I think for a poem with such strong imagery through out, the final stanza is also weak. I don't like the questions. One final strong image would really round this off well. Did you consider setting the final stanza somewhere else, like a grave, or funeral, maybe even a hospital or ambulance?
I sort of understand the "light and dancing meter" to quote Leslie. It sort of sums up how the elderly in the north deal with these kinds of things, in a very "oh don't worry about me, it's nothing, you look after yourself..." kind of way.
Hope you don't think I've been too negative. I did really like this. I only comment on poems that I like.
Let me know if you disagree with any of this or can explain anything that you think I’ve missed.
I’m looking forward to the next one.
Figure 8.
Hello Figure Eight.
Thanks for your comments and observations.
I can see what you mean about last stanza not being as descriptive with imagery as the others. I wouldn,t want to set it in another scene though. I don’t want poem to be about the departmental ceremony or emotional effects of death. Want to keep it in that empty moment between death and discovery.
‘ she was found ‘ because poem is written later, but moves into the time , through the stanza, before she was discovered. Then ‘ who ‘ will kick-start her life/ story (revive her life) into its final short chapter i.e discovery, removal, burial, when, like the tap, she will receive the final twist of off.
‘ The mounts in her mouth, more stones than teeth ‘. Dead peoples teeth are dry, no saliva, and seem superfluous, like stones. ‘ Wait for the rattle that gristle prevents’. Gristle in this case being gums, which will decay leaving the teeth to rattle in the jaw-bone.
Not negative at all. Constructive.
Didn’t think I’d receive any comments to be honest, strict rhyme schemes aren’t really par for the course on this forum. ( not complaining )
Glad you liked it and thanks for taking time to review it.
David.
Thanks for your comments and observations.
I can see what you mean about last stanza not being as descriptive with imagery as the others. I wouldn,t want to set it in another scene though. I don’t want poem to be about the departmental ceremony or emotional effects of death. Want to keep it in that empty moment between death and discovery.
‘ she was found ‘ because poem is written later, but moves into the time , through the stanza, before she was discovered. Then ‘ who ‘ will kick-start her life/ story (revive her life) into its final short chapter i.e discovery, removal, burial, when, like the tap, she will receive the final twist of off.
‘ The mounts in her mouth, more stones than teeth ‘. Dead peoples teeth are dry, no saliva, and seem superfluous, like stones. ‘ Wait for the rattle that gristle prevents’. Gristle in this case being gums, which will decay leaving the teeth to rattle in the jaw-bone.
Not negative at all. Constructive.
Didn’t think I’d receive any comments to be honest, strict rhyme schemes aren’t really par for the course on this forum. ( not complaining )
Glad you liked it and thanks for taking time to review it.
David.