You see your world in black and white, shades or colour you deny
When will your joy and pain unite?
You keep your dreams in your pockets and spare none for those who weep
Tell me when will I see you smile?
You skip along so innocently yet in cords of grief you are coiled
Tell me who will set you free?
Are you really happy? Do you know what it means? Or are you just a lonely queen
Who has forgotten her kingdom’s charm, you refuse to take my hand
Tell me who are you waiting for?
Like the first blossom in spring, so your brilliance once shone from within
Now as a wilting rose you bend under the weight of your own spirit
Who could have done such a thing?
Why do you flinch from my embrace?
Why do tears cascade from your face
Why am I not allowed into your space
How could I have fallen from your grace
No answers you release you keep you motives hidden out of reach
You whisper softly finally, ‘stand a little closer next to me, now see what I see’
Confused I stare right through your soul, and a wasteland I behold
Then in a single tear drop do I see the reflection of the monster that is me.
Monster
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unchained soul
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Hi Skript,
I found this poem quite "telly". eg: "you see your world in black and white, shades or colour you deny", I think it would have been better to show how this person does that.
I can see how carthartic this poem is but I dont think it holds enough interest for the reader with all the questions.
Sorry to be negative. Im sure with a few tweaks here and there it will make a great poem.
Rach
I found this poem quite "telly". eg: "you see your world in black and white, shades or colour you deny", I think it would have been better to show how this person does that.
I can see how carthartic this poem is but I dont think it holds enough interest for the reader with all the questions.
Sorry to be negative. Im sure with a few tweaks here and there it will make a great poem.
Rach
Hi there Skript, a few more thoughts:
‘What a gift our God could gi’e us to see oursel’s as others see us.’
An interesting subject for a poem, also quite challenging. I agree with the previous comments; the poem is worth working on. I sense background influence of the Authorised Version in some of the expression and in the word-order reversals; these give the lines an out-of-date ring and don’t really add anything to the quality. For instance,’yet in cords of grief you are coiled’ isn’t more effective than, ‘You skip along so innocently yet you are coiled in cords of grief.’
There are also: ‘no answers you release’ ‘and a wasteland I behold’ and ‘do I see’, could all be modernised..
The extremely long lines followed by shorter lines works at first but I think the last three lines of the opening stanza need to be rejigged. The question, ‘Are you really happy?’ sounds a bit irrelevant considering what has been said before. And it’s a bit odd to ask a queen about her kindom!
The opening of the second stanza, blossoms in spring and light shining from within is not a very original subject, though it is saved somewhat by the next line. The third line is a bit of a mystery: ‘Who could have done such a thing?’ No outside agent did anything, it was all internal to the subject person.
Third stanza consists of four lines each asking a question. You put a question mark after the first line, then no other punctuation. Either they are four sentences each needing a mark or they could be strung together as one sentence and have a mark at the end.
‘Fallen from grace’ has the sound of the New Testament to it. Fits better in a relationship between man and God than between man and woman.
Last stanza: I think that second line would be better without the word ‘next’, it isn’t needed.
In my opinion ( and all this blather is only my opinion) the last two lines are the best in the poem. I’m impressed by the thoughts of looking through another’s soul and seeing a wasteland ( who cares about Eliot?) and even more impressed with the imagery of seeing one’s reflection in a teardrop.
Well worth polishing this. Make it shine, man.
‘What a gift our God could gi’e us to see oursel’s as others see us.’
An interesting subject for a poem, also quite challenging. I agree with the previous comments; the poem is worth working on. I sense background influence of the Authorised Version in some of the expression and in the word-order reversals; these give the lines an out-of-date ring and don’t really add anything to the quality. For instance,’yet in cords of grief you are coiled’ isn’t more effective than, ‘You skip along so innocently yet you are coiled in cords of grief.’
There are also: ‘no answers you release’ ‘and a wasteland I behold’ and ‘do I see’, could all be modernised..
The extremely long lines followed by shorter lines works at first but I think the last three lines of the opening stanza need to be rejigged. The question, ‘Are you really happy?’ sounds a bit irrelevant considering what has been said before. And it’s a bit odd to ask a queen about her kindom!
The opening of the second stanza, blossoms in spring and light shining from within is not a very original subject, though it is saved somewhat by the next line. The third line is a bit of a mystery: ‘Who could have done such a thing?’ No outside agent did anything, it was all internal to the subject person.
Third stanza consists of four lines each asking a question. You put a question mark after the first line, then no other punctuation. Either they are four sentences each needing a mark or they could be strung together as one sentence and have a mark at the end.
‘Fallen from grace’ has the sound of the New Testament to it. Fits better in a relationship between man and God than between man and woman.
Last stanza: I think that second line would be better without the word ‘next’, it isn’t needed.
In my opinion ( and all this blather is only my opinion) the last two lines are the best in the poem. I’m impressed by the thoughts of looking through another’s soul and seeing a wasteland ( who cares about Eliot?) and even more impressed with the imagery of seeing one’s reflection in a teardrop.
Well worth polishing this. Make it shine, man.