Poetry Forum

They appear as atoms,
Miniscule flea grit
In God’s great blue rinse;
Itching to combust.
Charred chip ends
the fission: then a bursting
of battered air as fastidious
wings guide bullet black heads
toward us. Closer they
swarm, multiplying sharp-eyed
hornets, that flap and hark and
swoop too close at razored
angles and bitter twists, around
our heads for a couple of chips,
tossed in mid air then gulped
down granite lined throats.
Hitchcockian idiocy among the dunes:
We wander seaward a while, sand
softening, silence erupting.

I like the pace of this, the way it builds to a crescendo in the middle, then abates a bit with words like sand, seaward, silence, in the last few lines. There's a good, tight control of language...only bit I wasn't sure of was God's great blue rinse - it seemed out of place with the other lines, for some reason.

It's interesting that the poem largely focuses on description, rather than trying to bring in human parallels, or relate the scene to the speaker's experience. I'm writing a poem about a bird myself at the moment, and am struggling with that aspect - is description alone enough? From reading this, though, I didn't think it was incomplete at all.

Thanks lemur,

The God's blue rinse line and the Hitchcockian idiocy line were my attempts at lightheartedness. After all the poem is about gulls diving for chips. That said perhaps they are awkward and don't suit the tone.

From my point of view I struggle incorporating "human parallels" as such, I find once I delve into emotive poetry I get lost. So I do try and concentrate on description and use that, but that's just me, its a failing that I need to work on, because no I don't think "description alone is enough?"

cheers
Kris

As long as you weren't using gods great blue rinse as an allusion to his hair-do I think its a good line!

Only gripe Ive got is using 'chip' twice. Unusual to see it used at all, better in ' charred chip ends ' bit.

You built this poem up nicely. Well done.

David.

i disagree, i think "a couple of chips" is nice - you can hear northern seaside in that. could you say "for" instead of "to" though? just a thought. the moments of bathos work best for me generally to create this picture too, especially "god's great blue rinse" that's my favourite. somehow i think id rather it didnt end with the people but im not sure why....maybe there could be more of a link between them and the birds?

"Description is revelation" - Mr S Heaney (except when it isn't - Mr C Self).

David,

"As long as you weren't using gods great blue rinse as an allusion to his hair-do"

Guilty as charged I'm afraid. Just pretend I didn't.

Also I think repetition can be justified sometimes, in this case the chips were the instigators for the Gull's explosion, the atom/fission metaphor. The second use of chips was the reality of the situation. MMmmmmmm.

Desi,

"somehow i think id rather it didnt end with the people but im not sure why....maybe there could be more of a link between them and the birds?"

I agree it was rather abrupt, a connection does need to be made.

Cam,

"Description is revelation" I certainly agree, but can it stand alone? Do all poems need a human connection, or can they be appreciated for what they are? As per lemur's original Q.

Thanks all for some useful feedback.

camus,

I agree descriptive work is very good ( like keith's )

this is a departure from your usual style - I think that

to engage the reader "something needs to happen" generally in fictional writing , poetry etc - static description on its own is usually not enough

however in your piece there is an anticipation of something to happen - loved that phrase silence erupting !

well done.... with peppered silica

Arco